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I would approach pensive people and say, “Puggle for your thoughts?”

And did you get any pictures? They said there weren’t going to be any photos allowed which I figured was just as well since my chest was looking kinda blotchy and my non-TV makeup likely wasn’t doing me any favors under those harsher than I expected lights but then there were a zillion flashbulbs happening during the Q&A and I kind of wished I’d gotten a photo with Ross Schwimmer. So if you got some, let me know.

As for how the whole thingamajigiepoo went, it was fun. DSchwim kinda took the reins himself at certain points, leaving me there to fiddle with the microphone and fidget in my seat and strike that fine balance between voicing the jokes going through my head and holding them in—it was about HIM after all—but so much of performing/hosting, and especially TV which this wasn’t so just bear with me while I let this pour out of my head—is about taking control of situations and being the most dominant/dynamic force in the viewfinder and so I quickly realized that the control was being wrested from me and had to then quickly calculate whether to try to get it back. I didn’t, because it wasn’t my TV show, it was just a live Q&A I was asked to moderate and I was providing a service.

My sister thinks it would have looked really bad if I’d grabbed the controls. I think there are people who can do it so effortlessly and instantly that you don’t even really notice.

But still, I think it was a fun time.

I’ll be moderating a live Q&A with David Schwimmer at the Apple Store in Soho at 6:30pm on Tuesday, March 18. We’ll be talking about the movie he directed, Run, Fatboy, Run, and then giving out free iPods.*

*Note: no free iPods.

But come on down anyway!

I’m sitting next to a cup of urine. There are lots of cops here. And yet, this ER is like neither gray’s anatomy nor law and order SVU. I took a break and went to a store called PUPPIES! I looked around but I wasn’t hungry. I’m engaged in an unspoken war with my sister’s boyfriend over the one seat here. I’m winning right now seeing as my ass is being gently cradled by a vinyl cushion and his is left to graze the cheapo curtain separating us from the scary scary woman in the next bed over. Yeah that’s right, non-blood relative! I can outsit you so don’t get any fancy ideas. MY chair. MY sister. MY perch near the neglected cup of urine.
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My sister, while they’re drawing blood and starting an IV to give her medication in case she feels nauseous: ‘I don’t feel nauseous.’

Me, sitting in a chair watching them draw her blood: ‘I do!’
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I should have brought a book to this waiting area where it looks like I’ll be spending my saturday. Instead I brought my blackberry and… Let’s check the contents of my pocket, shall we? A receipt, a bandaid, eleven dollars and 48 cents, two packets of equal, two earplugs, a banana and a myna bird.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, but the truth is that I just prefer equal to splenda. I find it to be a bit sweeter and it has less of a chemical aftertaste. As for the myna bird, I’m not going to lie, it’s somewhat annoying to have to watch what I say all the time for fear of it being parroted back to me. At the same time it’s been hugely illuminating to listen to the profound things that come out of his beak, which are obviously things he picked up from me. In bird years, he’s probably about 65. Just a really old soul. And so funny. Sometimes he does this thing where he just looks at me and stands still and I’m like, ‘yep, he’s got my number!’ This one time he ate a grape and, well, you just should have seen it. Also, he’s kept me from making what would have turned out to be a couple massively unwise real estate investments. I’m not going to lie though, he also told me to sell short when I should have hung on. I was mad, but I wrote out my feelings to him in a letter and I think he really got what I was saying. I felt heard, which is so important.

Actually, he and I have really gotten into it because he thinks it’s rude when I read when he’s right there so maybe it’s better I don’t have a book. Still, I wish he’d understand that it’s not personal, I just need some time with my thoughts and it doesn’t mean my feelings about him have changed.

Uh oh, it appears he’s eaten an earplug. Say that again? I can’t hear you! Use words! Enunciate please.

Well this is really frustrating. He does it just to annoy me.

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a timely and newsy debate topic. Any ideas?

Also… I guess I actually don’t have anything more to say. I never don’t have more to say. Which is to say, I always have more to say. Say, that’s weird. Okay then.

Wrong, you’ll be at the Apple Store in Soho where I’ll be moderating a live Q&A with David Schwimmer who you may know as Ross but who also directed Run Fatboy Run which is coming out next week. We’ll show clips and then talk about them. I’ll take questions from the audience. Michael Ian Black wrote the screenplay but he won’t be there as he’s in Vancouver apparently. God, just say you don’t want to go, don’t pretend to be in Canada I thought to myself as I dashed off an email that said “oh! have fun in Vancouver!”

Anyway, see you there unless you don’t live here in which case you should probably just do whatever you were planning on doing.

It turns red every evening between 5pm and 7pm. I’m not even kidding. Like blushing, but concentrated in my nose and cheeks. 5pm is also when I start drinking gin out of a paper bag under my desk. Do you think it’s a coincidence? I’m kidding about the drinking. Anyway, I pointed out the puffy redness to the Red Eye makeup lady and she said “you have a tan from California!” and I said “I don’t actually! My face just turns red sometimes!” I should have gone with the tan thing. Anyway, I bring this up because I’m in full Rudolph mode right now. If you saw me and you were in a car, you would slam on the brakes.

ever suspect those Snapple “real facts” are total bullshit?

To wit: real fact #124 “Seals sleep only one and a half minutes at a time.”

Really? I once napped with a seal and excuse me, but I think I would have noticed if he was up every 90 seconds.