Archive | Uncategorized

Ok so my friend the NYC Donut Reporter who also goes by Duane Reade and also by Mike Boyle posted a much funnier and more descriptive assessment of yesterday’s Chili thing than mine and I dare say he paid better attention than I did because I learned quite a bit of stuff from reading his blog. Stuff that presumably I heard yesterday as well. And I know what happened. See, a few minutes in I decided I should update my twitter. Then I tried to think of something clever. Then I decided that I would pretend I didn’t realize that this was a lunch for the country of Chili and instead thought it was about chili, you know, the meaty or not crock pot thing with beans. So then I tried to figure out how to best convey that. Then we left.

Very emotional night. I haven’t seen this many tears since…. the last election.

http://activitypit.ning.com/profiles/blogs/thoughts-about-myself-on-this

I hated everything at Laz-y-boy! Hooray!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Are you a complete douche? Let the world know with this:

http://www.eaccess-estore.com/store/catalog.asp?item=2096

Cab Driver: So are you married, miss?
Me: Nope
Cab Driver: Really? I would have thought you be married with two kids.
Me: Yeah
Cab Driver: I’m surprised. You’re top chef. You know? Top chef. You ain’t all beat up.

After making the below post I burned my tongue! ON THE TEA!

Also, I’m all ready to upload the clips from Mike and Juliet this morning but YouTube is fixing something on the site and you can’t upload right now. They just better be back up and running soon or else I’ll be forced to take more photos of myself with inanimate objects.

A friend of mine from college is involved in this web site where the world can cast its vote for president. It’s so Hands Across America, Bob Geldof, Benetton ad, you know? But also very cool.

…not in this place (Australia), but in this photo.

I saw this photo on Desire to Inspire, which I found through some other site through some other site which had something or other to do with couches. “Oh, you’re being all neurotic about it,” said my friend matter-of-factly last night when I explained how I go from store to store and back again, sitting and resitting, but not getting anywhere. I’m bottoming out, people. I’m more confused than when I began. Do I want a couch or a womb? I began tearing up on a Bayside Swivel Glider ($999) at Crate & Barrel tonight. And by tearing up I mean crying. I realize I’ve never been less attractive to you than right now. That’s why I’m moving to Australia.

Now that I’ve been NY’s Funniest Reporter for a whole week, you are likely wondering how my life has changed. Well for one thing, I now sleep on a queen size whoopie cushion and whenever I knock at someone’s door, they say “who’s there??” expectantly and then seem kind of disappointed when it’s just me. I won’t get into the frenzy that results from my crossing the road and all the questions about my motivation in doing so. The laugh track that follows me around took a little time to get used to, especially since it seems to activate at the strangest times, like when I’m not even trying to be funny. Banana peels appear underfoot out of nowhere and all my sunglasses have fake noses attached to them. Similarly my hats have been replaced by arrows and last night I got sick and puked rubber vomit.