The Daily Rosen, Thursday, May 21 2009 (Wherein I descend stairs and talk to my dad) from Alison Rosen on Vimeo.
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So for now I’m calling it The Daily Rosen however that’s just a title I slapped on the video before asking you guys for suggestions. In other words: keep the suggestions coming!
Attention folks: I think I might try to do a vlog every day for a little while to see what happens. If I were smart I’d just do a vlog every day and not announce it ahead of time since there’s a very real chance that I will get abducted by a roving pack of feral goldendoodles and won’t ever get around to this daily vlog thing since I’ll be living by my wits and won’t have a pot to piss in or two pennies to rub together and I’ll have to use my cunning and my resemblance to a goldendoodle to get by. I hardly look like a goldendoodle either, which I don’t mean in a way like: hey, look at me, I’m too beautiful to be half poodle, I just mean my hair is neither golden nor doodley.
So yeah, it’s potentially going to get a lot more me-filled around these parts. Just thought you should know and celebrate accordingly.
Last night I went to the Best Week Ever tweet up and before you even shake your head, it was fun and it was about Twitter and Best Week Ever so just shut it, okay? I took some photos and uploaded to twitpic but I wanted to post them here, too. Above is a photo of the drinks they were serving.
And then here’s me wearing a name tag because everyone was wearing name tags and I’m a follower.
OMG! A follower! I just made a twitter joke and I didn’t even mean to! Kind of hate myself right now!
And then here’s Pat Kiernan of NY1 around whom I kind of fawned because he’s a NY institution.
And then after the tweet up we went to Crocodile Lounge where I got in touch with my skeeball roots. I’ve kind of lost my skeeball skills I’m sad to say but I think I could get them back if I worked at it.
And now I have to go wash this TV makeup off my face because I’m getting that uncomfortable TV Makeup Is Eating My Face feeling. I’m sure I have more to tell you but why rush into everything right now, you know?
Hey you guys. Don’t be scared by the new design. I’m still the same old gal except now my name is Debra and I enjoy putting together fruit baskets. Not eating them, cuz I’m watching my carbs, but designing them. Edible bouquets, I call them. Sometimes other gals will ring me up, you know, on the old telly and I’ll be like MARGE it’s for you because I always assume when someone’s buzzing us on the horn that it’s gonna be for MARGE because she’s popular and spells her name in all caps. MARGE I say, yelling at the top of my lungs, PICK UP THE PHONE. She never does though because she died four years ago. Bet you didn’t see that coming. Frankly I didn’t either. I thought she was still in the other room painting her toenails and being a royal pain in the ass with the way she’s always talking about Italy.
Anyway, so Ma Bell is just blowing up and no one’s answering. Who could that be giving us a jingle jangle? Who’s buzzing? What the hell was I talking about? Dammit I forget. Oh yes, sometimes ladies will give me the old honkaroo wondering if I can design a randy fruit basket for a bachelorette party and that is where I draw the line. No funny stuff with bananas. That’s not the kind of business I run.
But none of that was what I was going to say and none of that is my imitation of me. My imitation of me is as follows. Oh and by the way this is my imitation of me while working on the new design for the blog with Andrew Mager who is awesome:
Hey so do you think we could try this photo instead?
Wait, what about this one?
Hm, I thought I would like that one but what about this one?
Hm, what do you think? Let’s try this one.
Don’t hate me but could we try this one?
I don’t know what I want to see there, can you make a collage? Of all of them? But not that one? How about this one?
Wait, what about this one?
GOD DAMMIT WHERE IS THAT DUCKLING PHOTO? This is all MARGE’S fault.
Oh, you haven’t gotten up to pee all day and your butt just fell asleep? Ok, how about one more quick thing? How about just this photo?
And by that what I mean to say is that if you’re working with me you get to see a lot of photos of me and that is truly its own reward.
1. Eat an appropriate amount of Doritos
2. Hang out with your Jewish friends
3. Not buy Visine
4. Remember what you were about to say
5. Not make surreptitious calls to Argentina
6. What’s hackysack?
7. Not clean up bongwater
8. Not cut into a delicious swasticake
9. Ok I give up, these are all just going to be “not” things now
10. Not speak in German
11. I mean really, you’d think I would be able to turn them around so they could be actions
12. Not goosestep
13. Not say “this soap smells funny and feels weird”
14. Not run out of corn nuts
15. I mean, this is hardly funny anymore. It’s just… predictable
16. Assemble without a lookout, not in a bunker
17. I hate myself
18. Not watch Discovery Channel
I’ll be performing at We’re Nice People: A Night of Doucheless Comedy on May 13 at the Parkside Lounge in NYC. I’ll be swilling vinegar and water and talking about my Hummer.
Are you plagued by compliments? Are compliments ruining your life? Has anyone told you how fabulous you look today? Come to our offices and let us study the effects of around-the-clock compliments while also serving you your beverage of choice and letting you play with a puppy! You will be generously compensated for your time because you are important and also: beautiful!
Do you love The Facts of Life? Would you rather watch The Facts of Life than not watch The Facts of Life? We want to talk to you! Come to our research center and watch Facts of Life while we fan you with palm fronds and let you relieve yourself on a golden latrine. Free Fresca!
Do you long to frolic with fuzzy ducklings and then take naps? Come to our offices and play with ducks and then let us compliment you and style your hair and then take a nap on the comfortable bed of your choice.
Do you wish to fall asleep in the arms of an attractive witty man who raises ducklings and has an extensive library of Facts of Life? We want to study you! Research subjects will tire themselves out playing with ducklings and watching Facts of Life and then will take naps in the arms of attractive witty men who smell good.
Are you tired of cleaning your apartment and looking after yourself even though you’re an adult? Let us send you a personal assistant to do all that stuff you don’t feel like doing! Then we’ll study the effects of this by having you fill out a questionnaire made out of carbohydrates.
Do you wish every morning was Christmas? For one year we will recreate Christmas morning! You just show up and open gifts! Plus ducklings and diet soda! Egg nog on request.
Back when I worked at the OC Weekly we’d do a joke issue on April Fools. One year we put a fake band, The Pocket Clowns, on the cover. I wrote a follow up piece the next year. This is that story. Some of the humor is local and time-specific but some of it holds, I think:
http://www.ocweekly.com/2000-04-06/music/send-in-the-clowns/
Save the date rape
All of a sudden infant death syndrome
Out of the blue balls
Studying for the big final solution
Have mercy killing
You’re golden showers
Not my cup of tea bagging
Moby Dick Head
Who… handled shellfish?
What… is that scratching post doing over there?
Where… did all these old, dusty clothes come from?
When… did I do a bump of pollen?
Why… does this pudding taste like peanuts and ragweed?