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Care to hear about my weird dream?

Care to hear about my weird dream? I think you would. So I get into an elevator on my way to a job interview/going away party for a magazine. This guy Marc, who is someone I know in real life, is in the elevator and his pants are around his ankles and he’s smirking at me, but not in a menacing creepy way, more like he’s making fun of me. At that point I notice that it feels kind of breezy and I look down and my pants are also around my ankles. I make some hasty remark and pull that shit up. Then we get out and the editor in chief of the magazine walks by me and says hi and then the editor in chief, another version of the same woman but this one is pregnant walks by and gives me the cold shoulder. I stand there wondering who that first version was. Then a bunch of people are clustered around a room which, in the dream, is this woman Sid’s (again this person exists in real life) room and the walls are gold and the furniture is white. This will be my office or something, or it’ll be a lot of people’s offices, hence we’re all looking at it. I’m noticing the way Sid has mounted shelves going up the walls. I comment that it looks like a childhood bedroom. That’s all I remember although I know there was much more to the dream.

It probably means I’m going to win the lottery, right?

Also, I think I’ve mentioned on here that a literary agent once told me that people’s dreams are only interesting to them. Clearly she hadn’t heard any of my dreams because I bet you can’t put this blog down! I bet you are rapt. I bet you are slack jawed and drooling, waiting for what comes next. I bet you are putty in my hands. I bet you are wrapped around my finger. I bet you are googling dream meanings right now. I bet you are swarthy yet smell like rain. You don’t? Ok, never mind.

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Potential comment of the week

Because this is making me giggle to no end (thus proving Dustin’s point), I’m nominating this comment for comment of the week but the actual decision will be made at a later date. If you guys want to nominate certain comments, go for it.

Says Ted:

“Q: Why did the fart cross the road?

A: It was stuck in the chicken’s pants.

Not sure if that will be as funny tomorrow!”

Um, I’m pretty sure it will be!

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Vaseline terrine

In general, I’m in favor of calorie counts being posted on menus (as they are in NYC in most chain establishments) however last night the whole enterprise bit me on the ass as I found myself in a truly embarrassing restaurant in Times Square poring over a menu and realizing the only thing I could order that I wouldn’t feel terrible about the next day would be the chef’s vegetables for 60 calories. How am I feeling today? Terrible.

Here is the thing: I find it hard to believe that small steaming terrine of oil with a couple soggy green beans in it was only 60 calories. I also find it hard to believe those were vegetables or that this restaurant had a chef. If it did I take issue with his vegetables. If anything, it almost seemed I’d pissed him off by ordering this item. When I bit down I tasted anger. Anger and regret and canola oil. Probably not even canola oil. What’s a cheaper oil? Vaseline? I think these vegetables were served in a terrine of Vaseline. A Vaseline terrine.

So then upon realizing this wasn’t going to do the trick of putting anything into my stomach since I hadn’t eaten all day, I asked for a side of bread. Glistening soggy bread sticks were delivered sans calorie count. But as a professional dieter, I know lard when I see it (on my ass or on a bread stick). I had to then attempt to peel each bread stick to uncover the virgin center, untouched by oil or man. Then I’d dip the small bread pellet in the sauce, which actually had a vegetable floating in it. A green pepper sliver. It all comes back to green peppers, doesn’t it?

I feel I had something else to say? Did I?

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Another note to my blog readers

You guys, I’m so sorry for not blogging with the frequency you’ve come to expect from me. I’m ass high in video editing right now and also tonight I’m going to see Will Ferrell on Broadway which makes two events in two nights so you can imagine how wiped out I am! Just kidding. Or am I?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Also, I believe I had other stuff to say. Oh yeah, I’m working on my forthcoming McSweeney’s thingamaroo so when I have funny thoughts I now siphon them off to that column instead of instantly post them here which I know is a bummer. Except instead of siphoning them off and actually writing them, I just siphon them off into the corner of my brain where I put ideas and also old shoes and love letters and quarters. If it looks like my head is tilting to the right it’s because I need to take my brain to CoinStar.

Incidentally I’ve never actually used a CoinStar but my friends who were in a band called the Rome Apples wrote a song about CoinStar.

But I also have some things to say here that I just haven’t had time to say yet.

Oh! Also, new one up on Alison and Wendy.

Also, I love you guys.

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This is awesome

I watched Heathers about a million times when I was a youngster and even wrote a paper about it in college so this news is pretty exciting.

In other less exciting news, where is Dustin? How are we supposed to vlog plus go to Throwing Muses when we’re only going to have time for Throwing Muses? Eh, that’s ok. My face feels red anyway (I’ve discussed this Rudolph syndrome with you, yes? Yes.)

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On smelling like peppers

Earlier today I took a shower because I’m a go-getter and as soon as the water hit my skin, which is nubile and supple, by the way, everything began smelling intensely of bell peppers and my fear —that I’ve been walking around smelling like a pepper—was confirmed. “This is as I feared!” I yelled into the drain, as the heady and intoxicating elixir slid off my skin like so many burritos.

As I sit here typing this, smelling not of peppers but of the vacuum left behind when one’s peppery perfume is robbed of them by a cold blast of ruthless water, I feel naked. I also feel like I have a headache. I do in fact have a headache, probably because I have my hair in rollers atop my head and the weight of the rollers is putting strain on my already overburdened brain.

But rollers aren’t very heavy, you are likely thinking.

But see, I’m not using rollers, I’m using turnips.

Bet you thought I was going to say I was using peppers? You don’t know me at all!

So how am I cooking these stinky fruits? And they are fruits technically according to wikipedia. If you’re imagining that I’m preparing some kind of fancy thing with rice and beef and tomatoes and egg and bread crumbs and sesame seeds and basil and brown sugar and marjoram and margarine and sunflower seeds and figs and dates and oysters and tomato juice and stewed prunes and avocados and abogados (Spanish lawyers) and albodingas (Spanish soup) and elbows (elbows) and elbow macaroni and Terrytown, Pennsylvania (it just seemed to fit there) and Dracula (because Terrytown made me think of Transylvania) and lightbulbs (because Transylvania made me think of Sylvania) and the New York dolls (because Sylvania made me think of Sylvain Sylvain) and Patty Hearst (I’m no longer going to say what’s making me think of what and you see if you can figure it out) and NewsCorp and uh oh, nothing else is coming to me.

Anyway, you’re wrong so just hold it right there, Charley.

In fact, I just cut up the peppers and get rid of the seeds (I like to plant them in a trash can) and then microwave them. If what you’re looking for is soft, mushy peppers that will stay on your skin for weeks, that’s what you’ll get. Then I eat them with ketchup, have sex with a blood relative and call it a night.

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