Blog | Alison Rosen

Vaseline terrine

By Alison Rosen on March 14, 2009 in Uncategorized

In general, I’m in favor of calorie counts being posted on menus (as they are in NYC in most chain establishments) however last night the whole enterprise bit me on the ass as I found myself in a truly embarrassing restaurant in Times Square poring over a menu and realizing the only thing I could order that I wouldn’t feel terrible about the next day would be the chef’s vegetables for 60 calories. How am I feeling today? Terrible.

Here is the thing: I find it hard to believe that small steaming terrine of oil with a couple soggy green beans in it was only 60 calories. I also find it hard to believe those were vegetables or that this restaurant had a chef. If it did I take issue with his vegetables. If anything, it almost seemed I’d pissed him off by ordering this item. When I bit down I tasted anger. Anger and regret and canola oil. Probably not even canola oil. What’s a cheaper oil? Vaseline? I think these vegetables were served in a terrine of Vaseline. A Vaseline terrine.

So then upon realizing this wasn’t going to do the trick of putting anything into my stomach since I hadn’t eaten all day, I asked for a side of bread. Glistening soggy bread sticks were delivered sans calorie count. But as a professional dieter, I know lard when I see it (on my ass or on a bread stick). I had to then attempt to peel each bread stick to uncover the virgin center, untouched by oil or man. Then I’d dip the small bread pellet in the sauce, which actually had a vegetable floating in it. A green pepper sliver. It all comes back to green peppers, doesn’t it?

I feel I had something else to say? Did I?

Pastrami, camera angles and Dustin's middle name

By Alison Rosen on March 14, 2009 in dustin, video, vlogs

I decided to upload this one in HD which means it’s a different size and I can see it’s already going to wreak havoc on the blog. Much like those ads are. Did I mention there are ads? Click that crap, you know, if you want.

Another note to my blog readers

By Alison Rosen on March 13, 2009 in Uncategorized

You guys, I’m so sorry for not blogging with the frequency you’ve come to expect from me. I’m ass high in video editing right now and also tonight I’m going to see Will Ferrell on Broadway which makes two events in two nights so you can imagine how wiped out I am! Just kidding. Or am I?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Also, I believe I had other stuff to say. Oh yeah, I’m working on my forthcoming McSweeney’s thingamaroo so when I have funny thoughts I now siphon them off to that column instead of instantly post them here which I know is a bummer. Except instead of siphoning them off and actually writing them, I just siphon them off into the corner of my brain where I put ideas and also old shoes and love letters and quarters. If it looks like my head is tilting to the right it’s because I need to take my brain to CoinStar.

Incidentally I’ve never actually used a CoinStar but my friends who were in a band called the Rome Apples wrote a song about CoinStar.

But I also have some things to say here that I just haven’t had time to say yet.

Oh! Also, new one up on Alison and Wendy.

Also, I love you guys.

This is awesome

By Alison Rosen on March 12, 2009 in Uncategorized

I watched Heathers about a million times when I was a youngster and even wrote a paper about it in college so this news is pretty exciting.

In other less exciting news, where is Dustin? How are we supposed to vlog plus go to Throwing Muses when we’re only going to have time for Throwing Muses? Eh, that’s ok. My face feels red anyway (I’ve discussed this Rudolph syndrome with you, yes? Yes.)

On smelling like peppers

By Alison Rosen on March 12, 2009 in caterpillars in my vegetables, celery, comedy

Earlier today I took a shower because I’m a go-getter and as soon as the water hit my skin, which is nubile and supple, by the way, everything began smelling intensely of bell peppers and my fear —that I’ve been walking around smelling like a pepper—was confirmed. “This is as I feared!” I yelled into the drain, as the heady and intoxicating elixir slid off my skin like so many burritos.

As I sit here typing this, smelling not of peppers but of the vacuum left behind when one’s peppery perfume is robbed of them by a cold blast of ruthless water, I feel naked. I also feel like I have a headache. I do in fact have a headache, probably because I have my hair in rollers atop my head and the weight of the rollers is putting strain on my already overburdened brain.

But rollers aren’t very heavy, you are likely thinking.

But see, I’m not using rollers, I’m using turnips.

Bet you thought I was going to say I was using peppers? You don’t know me at all!

So how am I cooking these stinky fruits? And they are fruits technically according to wikipedia. If you’re imagining that I’m preparing some kind of fancy thing with rice and beef and tomatoes and egg and bread crumbs and sesame seeds and basil and brown sugar and marjoram and margarine and sunflower seeds and figs and dates and oysters and tomato juice and stewed prunes and avocados and abogados (Spanish lawyers) and albodingas (Spanish soup) and elbows (elbows) and elbow macaroni and Terrytown, Pennsylvania (it just seemed to fit there) and Dracula (because Terrytown made me think of Transylvania) and lightbulbs (because Transylvania made me think of Sylvania) and the New York dolls (because Sylvania made me think of Sylvain Sylvain) and Patty Hearst (I’m no longer going to say what’s making me think of what and you see if you can figure it out) and NewsCorp and uh oh, nothing else is coming to me.

Anyway, you’re wrong so just hold it right there, Charley.

In fact, I just cut up the peppers and get rid of the seeds (I like to plant them in a trash can) and then microwave them. If what you’re looking for is soft, mushy peppers that will stay on your skin for weeks, that’s what you’ll get. Then I eat them with ketchup, have sex with a blood relative and call it a night.

Why didn't I think of this?

By Alison Rosen on March 12, 2009 in Uncategorized

Fuck You, Penguin

Sneezes that sound like primetime

By Alison Rosen on March 12, 2009 in Uncategorized

Does something bloom at about 10pm in NYC because this is the second night in a row my allergies are acting up at night. And by 10pm I guess I mean what feels like 9pm. In fact when I sneeze it’s really a nine o’clock type sneeze. It sounds like the theme song to Grey’s Anatomy, not Perfect Practice, if you know what I’m saying which I doubt you do. It also sounds like Frasier which I’m pretty sure was on at 9pm at some point. Maybe?

So why am I writing about my 9pm-but-it-was-really-10pm sneezes at three-in-the-morning- which-is-really-two-in-the-morning? Because my friend Scott who is a super duper computer guru helped me with some stuff and took control of my screen and said “Are you sick?” (we were ichatting with audio which I didn’t realize was a viable option because I’m still living in the past of one hour ago) and I explained that no, I’m just experiencing the kind of allergies one has when cats spontaneously bloom at 10pm. Cats and dust apparently. And those dander bushes, too. But the computer stuff took awhile. And then I wasted time doing I’m not even sure what.

So I’m tired is what I’m saying. And stuffed up.

Adorable Tobey shots

By Alison Rosen on March 11, 2009 in dogs, photos, Tobey

My mom just sent these to me. In other news I cooked bell peppers tonight and now my whole apartment smells really bell peppery. Ok fine, I actually also cooked them the night before and the night before. I’m not one for variety. For example, I was hoping all my clothes, like every last garment would smell like a bell pepper and I’m pretty sure I got my wish.