Dustin has a car and we’re going to dinner. Because of said vehicle, we’re going to attempt going somewhere, in his words, “far-flung.”
Dustin: Ok, so we’re looking for seafood, somewhere out of the way that you can’t get to by subway.
Me: Yes. We’re looking for inconvenient seafood.
Tomorrow I’m doing a brand new episode of Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend even though I was tempted not to do one, but I can’t deprive you of me. It’s just not fair. Because it’s so late in the day I’m not sending out Facebook invites yet again because they won’t get there in time. Instead I’ll be knocking on each of your doors individually later on today and I’ll be expecting you to invite me in for a light snack. Nothing fancy, just make sure it’s something you would serve royalty. There’s a chance I may need to use your bathroom so please see to it that you’ve cleaned it top to bottom and inside and out and put out the finest hand-milled French soap. And when I say hand-milled I expect you to mill it yourself. If you don’t know how, this is no time to learn. Just call your local neighborhood miller and find out if they do soap, in addition to whatever millers do. Anyone? I know I read the Miller’s Tale in college in my Chaucer class but that information has long ago been replaced with other stuff. What kind of stuff? Let’s discuss that over caviar when I drop in for an informal formal visit.
In other news, it’s hot but not TOO hot in New York so you can breathe a sigh of relief if you were wondering how I was coping. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer cold weather, but it’s not so hot that I want to die.
Actually, come to think of it, sleeping in this weather is kind of difficult, which is why I look so sleepy and also AM so sleepy.
How sleepy am I? Very. You would definitely not want me driving your heavy machinery unless it happened to be air conditioned and then we could talk.
Anyway, I have a lot of things to say but I can’t say them because of the Marvin gag order but just you wait, internet, because a flood of stuff is all bottled up in here.
That sounded kind of menacing, didn’t it? I didn’t mean it to.
In fact right now I feel kind of estranged from words, which are my favorite things in the world right up there with ducklings and puppies, and it’s a fairly shitty feeling and it’s contributing to this amorphous directionless blob feeling I’m having.
I have half a mind to just delete this entire post but I have another half a mind to not and then another half a mind which is just thinking about TV shows. It’s a wonder I can fit into hats.
In addition to being estranged from words apparently I’m also estranged from jokes.
Imagine if you are in a war suddenly and it suddenly gives your life shape and meaning, especially if maybe before the war you were struggling a bit in your chosen profession and wondering if it wasn’t time to shake things up but not knowing exactly how. So just when you were considering a massive shakeup along comes a crisis which happens to be a war and so you ship off and you’re dealing with war stuff every single day from the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep, which is not enough by the way, and you know this war is going to change your life but a little bit you’re aware that there’s maybe something opportunistic in the way you’re throwing yourself into your new war duties because you needed something to throw yourself into. At the same time it’s a blessing you were able to ship off at that moment, because the war effort wouldn’t have been the same without you. So then let’s say that particular battle is dying down and you’re debating whether to stay on for the rest of the war, or to return home, where things are less dramatic and poignant and ratcheted up. But see, if you return home the war will still be waged across the country and you feel wrong not being there. But you’re also aware there’s a very good chance you’ll join the war and put the rest of your life on hold which would be a mistake even if it’s easy.
Not that any of this is easy.
In the midst of writing the above I lost track of all the metaphors. I guess what I’m trying to say is hard shit is happening across the country and I feel weird being here and I feel weird being there. I just feel weird. And also sleepy.
The end.
So I’m back in New York after six intense weeks of Marvin care and I have so many things to say it’s making it hard for me to say anything. This is a hazard when you’re a blogger who is known for sharing the details of your life. Also when you’re known for being achingly beautiful. I’m telling you, spending nights in the hospital did my complexion no favors. And that delicious hospital cafeteria food went straight to my hips. I think I should make a list of things I need to tell you:
1) I trust you’re all coming to see me Thursday in News Distillery at the 92Y. Here’s a story about Faith Salie that mentions it if you want more info which you probably do because you’re so like that.
2) I’m really proud of the ARIYNBF shows I put on in CA and I’m glad I did that even though at times it was hard.
3) Perhaps you’re reading this and you’re new to me and you’re wondering what I’m talking about.
4) Soon I will be able to speak about it, I think, but for now I have to be all vague and elliptical but here’s what you can know: one of my family members whom I’ve named “Marvin” was just diagnosed with something no one wants and so I’ve been helping out.
5) Not crabs, though no one wants them.
6) Or Jordan almonds.
7) Before the Mad Men premiere I kept wanting to write a list of “Mad Men inspired drinking games by someone who doesn’t watch Mad Men and doesn’t understand drinking games.” That person isn’t me, of course, since I watch Mad Men and love to drink till I puke.
8) It would be a persona. A device. A trope, if you will.
9) You won’t.
10) By the way, I don’t actually love to drink till I puke. In fact I seldom drink these days which is all part of the way I don’t have fun and am letting life pass me by.
11) woe = me
12) I’m actually tired of the Goldenrod Footbridge. Can you believe it?
13) In the past going home to CA was taking a break however a few days before I returned to New York it was suggested to me that I should return if for no other reason than I clearly needed a break and needed to get strong again before coming back to CA. This idea that New York is now the place I go when I need a break is doing all sorts of funky things in my head.
14) Specifically it’s doing the electric slide.
15) “A Marvin being sick marks the true end of childhood,” said a therapist.
16) Or maybe she said, “A Marvin being sick truly marks the end of childhood.”
17) Well, you get the point.
17.5) Not MY therapist! What use would I have for therapy? My brain is perfection and my emotions are a thing of beauty and my thoughts conform to the Platonic ideal of thoughts and my feelings are so appropriate you only WISH you had my feelings.
18) It’s hot in New York. I kind of hate that.
19) True Blood is now my favorite distraction and I’m sad I’m all caught up.
20) Also? I’ve been cheating on Splenda with Truvia. Just a little though.
21) I miss Tobey.
22) Congrats to Natali Del Conte on the birth of her baby boy!
23) Thank you all for the encouraging words you’ve sent my way.
Here’s Jenna Kim Jones and I looking effortlessly cool on a recent show
Tonight’s show is going to be a big happening. A real don’t-miss-this kinda rocking good time. The kind of thing that your friends will be talking about long after it’s over and if you miss out you will feel like a real dipshit. Do you want to feel like that? I don’t think so. Did you know that once my mom and dad and sister went to Vienna without me and they still talk about it, sometimes forgetting that I wasn’t there? Assholes, I tell you.
Anyway, I didn’t send out the regular Facebook invite thing because I suck and I’m fine with that. On tonight’s show, writer/comedian/Daily Show staffer Jenna Kim Jones, whom you know from her appearances on my show in New York will be on the show because she’s in California as well and how cool is that that we’re both here? Exactly. Also on the show? Paul Layton who over the years has been referred to as “cute Paul” behind his back. I like to throw it in his face. He plays guitar and sings and I’m not quite sure the exact style of his upcoming EP. When I last heard him he was playing some glammy poppy kind of awesome stuff. You love that.
I can’t get this one out of my head.
Not only does he play a song on this short excerpt from my show but he also shows off some mad kazoo skillz and agrees to keep playing songs on my show till he drops dead. I appreciate that level of commitment. In other news I’m making a ton of little videos from this episode. My blog is so Matt Costa-y right now.
On Part 2 of the last hour of the episode of ARIYNBF featuring Matt Costa we looked through his box and he let me manhandle all his junk which was only fair because he manhandled the fan phone call numbers in Part 1. I mean really, it’s like the guy never pulled numbers out of a tea kettle before! Also he played more songs including ones which may have names like: “It’s a Sin,” “Whiskey and Wine,” “Good Old Black Magic,” “Miracle Drug.”
Matt Costa appeared on the last episode of ARIYNBF and it was awesome and he was early and he played a zillion songs and was delightful and at one point he even played the piano and I dragged the camera over the the piano and then he and Yami and I sat on the piano bench and shared tales of I don’t even know what and I kept joking that I was going to make him play till he dropped dead and he kept saying he didn’t mind and then after the show my dad and he jammed a little on trumpet and guitar which made me wish I was still streaming and then afterwards I went to find the episode and lo and behold only the last hour recorded. Did I cry? No, I’m not some marshmallow, however I think tears would have been in order. I’m still fairly bereft. Is that the right word? Part of this whole being-in-CA-because-of-anonymous-Marvin-situation involves me forgetting words which is a shame since I’m a word person. I’m also a True Blood person now. If you should see me in the next few days I will probably want to talk about the show. Boy that Maryanne. What a bitch! (I just watched season 2).
Anyway, in this first part of the last hour of the show Matt plays some songs and then there’s the fan phone call. What songs, you ask? I’m in the process of getting the names. Here are some working titles, and by that I mean titles I’ve given the songs while waiting for the real ones: “Save Me,” “This Train (UPDATE: It’s called OPHELIA).” You should probably watch it:
Matt Costa will be playing live on the next episode of Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend which, due to scheduling, will happen in the original time slot of Wednesday at 7pm PT/10pm ET (July 14) as opposed to the new time slot of Sunday, whenever PT/3 hours later ET. In honor of Matt gracing my show with his presence I decided to post an outdated photo of him sitting in the street. I did not take this photo, as I would never endanger my subjects in such a fashion. Should it so happen that the photographer took pains to create a traffic blockade I stand corrected.
If you don’t know who Matt is, you should totally fix that situation before Wednesday because it’s a pretty big deal that he’s on my show. For him, that is. He’s pinching himself. I’m kind of inured to big stars, being one myself.
(But really, I’m very excited he’s going to be playing on my show. Very very very excited!)
In other news, there’s other news but I’m too tired right now to go into any of it. Thank you all for the messages of support though. I appreciate it.