Ironically, my first thought upon receiving the new five dollar bill with its eggplant hued frippery was, “Is this counterfeit?”
Branding potential
I thought it might be time to update some trusty old saws. Where others see conventional wisdom, I see branding potential:
Don’t tread on me… unless you’re wearing this season’s stylish loafers from Payless.
A stitch in time saves nine… but wouldn’t you rather save ten or even twenty, while supplies last?
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. And the tomatoes growing on that tree must be protected with Spectracide Tomato and Vegetable Insect Spray.
Look before you leap… into high blood pressure with Heart Smart Spray Margarine.
Hope is the thing with feathers… but dust mites are those things with microscopic teeth that gnaw at your pillows and sheets while you and your family are sleeping.
I want one of these (warning: Joel Stein ahead)
I remember running into people in the elevator of the building that houses the Time Out NEw York offices and they recognized me from TV and were surprised that I actually had to work real office hours, as if all I did to earn the small bucks was wake up early and go on TV. They were savvy.
What I'm doing when I'm not on Red Eye
People have been asking me when I’m going to be on Red Eye next—the answer is April 15—which then begs the question of what I’ll be doing until then.
I cannot lie to you: I’ve decided to have some work done.
I’m getting my teeth dyed sun yellow, because yellow is a happy color and who doesn’t like the sun? I wish I could say I’m stopping with my sun yellow teeth but the thing is that getting work done is addictive and empowering and I’ve been living with this face and body for 32, I mean 24 years. I’m ready to really embrace my true self by changing everything.
I’m not rushing into it though. I’ve been slowly but surely clipping pictures from magazines of the features I’d most like to have. I plan on taking these pictures with me to the doctor and asking him to attach them to my face. I’m picturing something that will be like a cross between a mosaic and papier mache, which is pronounced paper muhshay despite how it’s spelled.
As for my body, I’m going to need a new one to match my exciting new face, so I’ve decided to have implants the size of chicken cutlets—okay fine, they’re just chicken cutlets—glued to my problem areas. I’ve requested they be glued with honey mustard, because that really makes the most sense, but I’m not sure that’s feasible at this time. It’s a crude science, despite how advanced it is. While I’m there I’ll probably have some junk injected into my junk and then I imagine the doctor will draw all over me with magic marker. I’ve requested he draw a landscape scene—preferably a cityscape or a beach scene. Something bucolic. Nothing too gritty. I get enough realism watching the news, thank you very much!!!!!!! (Am I right????????????)
And I’m toying with the idea of getting my stomach stapled—to my socks. I’m just super into the idea of internal organs as outerwear.
What about concerns?
I just walked past a guy who was saying “no worries” so many times in the course of his conversation I wanted to stop him and ask if there were any worries.
Hot Seat with David Schwimmer
Click on the image to read it. Or click here.
But wait, after you read that you’re probably going to want to look at those photos of me interviewing him at the Apple Store. Do I know you, or do I know you? Look at me, deep-linking!
Adorable Tobey, less adorable green cabinets
Saget bio
The Bob Saget Biography Channel Bio that I was interviewed for aired. I know this because I received a nice note about it from someone who saw it and then found me on MySpace, which is how I find out that most of the Biography Channel Bios that I was interviewed for are airing. I added a couple air times to the upcoming TV appearance sidebar on the side of this page. I haven’t seen it yet, so I don’t remember what I said, nor what I wore. Something brilliant, surely. (Something brilliant being what I said. I imagine what I wore was a sweater. I would never use “brilliant” to describe clothes, anyway, unless I was in Britain taking the piss and chatting up mates on my mobile.)
Need more Bob? Or more me? Or more me on Bob? Here’s my Hot Seat interview with Bob Saget.
The interview that won't die
Wendy sent me this. Looks like I’m falling down on my own self-googling or else I surely would have found it myself!
I feel sad for the bats
In New York, white nose syndrome means something else.