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sort of musty, with magnetic photo pages

Why oh why is there no service where you can call up your DVR box and tell it what to record? Because I’m at the hotel where my parents are staying (Tobey is curled up near the TV) and they don’t get the Food Network here and Next Food Network Star is on tonight and I CANNOT MISS IT! And yet, I must. My sister is sitting near me using her boyfriend’s computer (we’re IMing eachother) and it smells like an old photo album. Okay, we’re not actually IMing eachother. We’re both doing work, except right now I’m lamenting the TV show which does not technically fall under the umbrella of “doing work.” But back to the fragrant computer. First of all, she claims it’s not the computer which smells like old photo albums but she is wrong wrong wrong because once she opened that thing I got a strong whiff of the seventies which is what I associate that smell with, since inside the particular stinky albums I’m thinking of are photos from the seventies.

Now about the TV show which it seems I’m going to be missing. Is anyone else watching this show? I’m in love with it. It often makes me cry, which is kind of embarrassing. I mean not an embarrassing kind of blubbering pee from my eyes type of weeping, more just a moistening at the corners. I think maybe once my nose ran. It’s just that these peoples sad dreams are laid bare and for the most part they’re all likable and trying hard and there aren’t any villains. Crap, now I must go help my sister with an issue pertaining to her old photo album. Just know that whatever I was about to say was going to be brilliant.

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If I drew cartoons for the New Yorker

If I drew cartoons for The New Yorker and I was doing one around the time MAD magazine launched (or in its heyday) I would do one of a mouse made to look like ALfred E. Newman and it would say “What, me scurry?” If this also happened to coincide with a particularly bad rodent problem in the city, that would be ideal.

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Freelancing Makes You Weird

Freelancing makes you weird but it also makes you forgetful! Do people who work in offices actually work tomorrow? I can’t remember! What if I need to go to the post office? I don’t, but just saying what if I did? Or what if I needed to visit my money at the bank like in Mary Poppins? What if I need to do some offshore drilling? (before you judge, it’s a great workout!)

And by the way, “Freelancing Makes You Weird,” is the title of my new imaginary one-woman show. I think I’ll have a parrot in this show. I’m not quite sure why yet, but it just feels right. Don’t make me explain my artistic choices.

Okay fine, I’m not quite sure what I’m referring to in Mary Poppins either. Don’t they go to the bank at the end? Shortly before flying a kite?

Next you’ll tell me we can’t even fly kites tomorrow. This is most certainly not what our forefathers wanted.

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Breaking Joe Francis update!

I just got an email from my high school friend Trevor (of the doublequarce, nince, dince) and he read this and says:

I don’t remember him at all. According to Wikipedia, he was born in
1973 making him older than us. Also according to wikipedia:

Francis grew up in Laguna Beach, California, USA.[3] […]

Francis attended and was expelled from Our Lady Queen of Angels
Catholic School among others.[2] He graduated from the University of
Southern California in 1995 with a degree in Business Administration.
He also completed USC’s Entrepreneur Program.[4]

This makes me doubt the veracity of your memory. In any case, say hi
to your parents!

Now apparently Joe was only in our Spanish class (which had a mix of grades and also I was advanced in Spanish) for a little while and then he transferred to Laguna so it’s possible everyone’s right. I think probably I just wasn’t in that particular Spanish class.

Note: I kind of can’t believe I’m spending this much time figuring this out when a) I really don’t care b) I have other things I should be doing and c) there are other more interesting people that went to that high school if I’m really going to waste time talking about high school d) I mean, I should take a shower, that’s how much there are other things I should be doing e) the guy who wrote You, Me and Dupree went to CDM I just found out f) also, Lars from Metallica g) and McG who produced The OC and a bunch of other stuff h) do you think it’s weird that I still have to say the alphabet in my head sometimes to figure out what comes next? i) you do? thanks for the support! j) maybe I should just have a rule like I always take a shower right when I get up k) except that doesn’t factor in going to the gym l) freelancing makes you weird! m) Swingtown is on tonight. I’m pretty excited n) but not as excited as I’d be if it were Sunday and Next Food Network Star was on! o) it’s my favorite.

Guess I have no choice but to do Jello shots and put on calypso music. (That’s how you summon Joe Francis.)

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Girls Gone Senile

You know when you’re trying really hard to remember something and you know it’s in there somewhere but you just can’t retrieve it? You do? Well I don’t, because I have a perfect memory and excellent skin.

Except apparently I went to high school with Joe Francis! I mean, I remember lifting my shirt up all the time, but I don’t remember any cameras. I just remember the principal seeming displeased.

But I saw a high school friend today and we were reminiscing about Spanish class and right there, plopped into the middle of the trip down memory lane was a story about Joe Francis being kinda douchy (okay fine—way more than kinda, I’m just being diplomatic) and getting picked on by the other kids who, admittedly, were nasty little shits, except he kind of brought it on himself so much that you didn’t even feel a tad sorry for him. Not a tad!

What’s more, apparently he looked just like he does now and went by the same name, which rules out the idea that the reason I can’t remember this is because he was a 250 pound kid who had thick glasses and went by JoJo Francesco or something.

Clearly I’ve been roofied.

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I don't care who my milk loves

But how come when the milk is straight they just call it milk but when this is going on


…well, I think you see my point. Look, I don’t care who my milk loves. It came from a cow and it’s beautiful.

Also, there is no such thing as half-and-half.

But really, this comes from Un-American English, a blog which charts “what the rest of the world means when English comes out of their mouths.” I don’t know who writes it, though I have a suspicion.

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I kind of love radio

I mean, not that I would ever give up being on TV–it wouldn’t be fair to keep the light that is my achingly beautiful face under a bushel–but it’s good to know that if I ever get mauled by a bear or even just suffer really bad acne, I would be pretty content to while away the hours on the airwaves as I did tonight on DeVore & Diana on Maxim Sirius Radio. Well, I whiled away one hour, but it was a special hour. For you, I mean.


I told Diana Falzone‘s cohost John DeVore that I’m in love with the “Five Signs” lists he wrote for Stuff magazine. They still crack me up like nothing else. Well, maybe not like nothing else, but I think they’re hilarious.

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Catch me on Sirius radio tonight

I’ll be on the DeVore & Diana show on Maxim Sirius Radio (channel 108) tonight in the 9pm hour. What’s that you say? You don’t have Sirius? (I briefly debated posting a picture right here of forgotten Australian comedian R. U. Sirious to indicate my state of incredulity but decided against it.) You can sign up for a three day trial.

Wait a minute. I just did some research on R.U. Sirious and that’s not who I mean. R.U. did a bunch of stuff including apparently edited Axcess magazine which I used to write for. I mean Yahoo Serious! For a second I thought I’d invented this carrot toppy person out of thin air which would be both impressive and alarming. But he exists. Look, here he is playing violin in a bucket!


Anyway, tune in tonight. And check out Diana Falzone’s cool viral video, linked to by Comedy Central.

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