Well try this: http://www.ijoke.tv/video/&v=122426569296
I just logged into my ijoke page for the first time in awhile and there was a message which I’d assumed was spam but it totally wasn’t, it was this link. So thanks, guy who sent this to me.
This again
I see the above photo and I’m back to wanting a white couch. (photo found here http://designholeonline.com)
I think I’m just going to have to replace my bed with a couch so I can have two couches in my apartment, one grey and one white, and I’ll sleep in the pantry with my broken hair dryer.
I guess I don’t really have a pantry come to think of it. Crap, I should probably get one of those too.
I did not make toast
I did not make toast. I know this because I don’t have a toaster. I don’t even have bread. Yes, I could have made imaginary toast with imaginary bread in the over or broiler or on the stove, but I didn’t, because that’s not the kind of thing I would do. And yet it smells strongly of toast in here, and not just any toast but burnt toast, and it’s coming from my hair dryer which I just used to blow hot toast air all over my head. I smell like a bakery accident.
So why don’t I just replace my hair dryer? Are you kidding? The thing cost like 8 million dollars. It’s made from baby otters and white truffles. It has tourmaline in it which is so fancy it’s not even a real chemical and it does something with ions that probably doesn’t hold up to real science either. I think it might run on nuclear energy.
So then why don’t I consult the warranty? Are you crazy? Are you hearing anything I’m saying? I don’t even have bread in my apartment. Why would I possibly still have the warranty? Obviously I slathered peanut butter on it and ate it ages ago.
Bio channel whatnot
So I got an email from Bill Schulz’s brother Alfred saying he saw me in a commercial for an upcoming Adam Sandler Biography on the Biography channel. This makes me think this Biography will be airing soon, as that’s how commercials tend to work. For example, that commercial about Zyrtec with that woman who says “You know that song, Time in a Bottle? Well I got it…” and then it you think it’s going to be a commercial about hair dye or something which makes much more sense than allergy medication? I mean, I take Allegra on occasion and I’ve never been like “Holy fuck! What will I do with these extra three hours that I used to devote to sneezing?” Well that commercial means Zyrtec will air soon.
Ok, that was forced and not that funny. Can we go back to how I always want that commercial to be about hair dye because if it covered gray at least it would make sense that it gives you “time in a bottle”? But allergy medicine? I just don’t get it.
Anyway, that wasn’t the point. The point is that I taped Bios for Adam Sandler, Shannon Doherty, Mr. T, The Wahlbergs and one more. Who was it? Hm. Dammit I forget. Maybe if I pop some antihistamines I can go back in time and find out.
Ok, back to the commercial. If your bottle of Zyrtec contained a digital watch tucked into the bottle? That would be time in a bottle. Or if it had a sprig of thyme, even that I could allow. Plus, I bet Zyrtec is in a blister pack anyway, which is a disgusting name.
So keep your eyes peeled for those Biographies. I have no idea how they’re going to chyron me (that’s that little thingerdoodle with the words that says your name and where you’re from.) I don’t recall them asking me. It could be an exciting surprise.
Screen caps from M&J, courtesy of Activity Pit
I've made a bold decision
I’ve made a bold decision and I’m not even drunk. I’m going to forgo some of the TV makeup tomorrow. I mean, I’ve always felt any makeup at all on this dewy young face of mine is gilding the lily, in fact I used to so frequently refer to it like that that when I would duck into the bathroom at Time Out New York before going on TV my coworker Ethan would say, “Are you gilding the lily?”
I mean, I’m still going to apply the individual fake eyelashes to the outer corners of my lids and I’m still going to pinch my cheeks for a rosy glow. And yes, I’m still going to burn a cork over the spit and then rub the soot around my eyes to make them stand out more and I’ll probably crush up some bugs and rub them on my lips and soak onions in a bowl overnight and then make soup but I’m not going to use the TV foundation, so if I appear to be a freckly mess, that’s why.
Not that I really have that many freckles though. In fact my complexion is somewhere between perfect and flawless, but who knows what could happen on the walk from the train to the paltalk office. For all we know I could sprout freckles. Can you say for sure that it won’t happen? I didn’t think so.
I'm on Diana Falzone's Paltalk show tomorrow at 11AM
Yay!
I need to write a book
I just do. I am too delightful and I know too many words to not have my delightfullness represented in an author photo and my words tucked between dust covers. I don’t even need my words to be alphabetical. Or real!
But really, I am tired of going to Barnes & Noble and seeing all these books by all these people and not seeing any by me.
At the same time, I hate paper in general and yesterday I got this crazy papercut when I opened up an envelope containing fabric swatches and then I had to go hunting around my apartment for bandaids and it took forever to find one. That’s what paper will do to you. It will cut you. In fact, if I drew cartoons for the New Yorker I would show an envelope saying to a woman who is about to open it, “I’ll cut you, bitch.” The envelope would be somehow made to look like it’s in prison by the way. It would be a tough menacing envelope.
But anyway, what should I write about? I need something fun and easy that doesn’t involve that much time or energy or hard work. You know, like a book I could write in the shower.
I’m joking. Kind of!
But really. Ideas? I mean, I could collect all my funny essays and some blog posts, that would be a damn good book, but it seems like a new idea would be better. I should probably clear that path to my door so more publishers can beat a path to it. Maybe I should also get a doormat that says “Welcome, publishers!”