Brett asked in the comments what was up with the anti-freeze photos in the Picasa photo album I mentioned in the previous post.

This is what was up with them.

Went to dinner with my sister who’s also pretty shaken up by the news tonight. We were remembering little things about Brooke and I mentioned that she had a cowlick in her bangs and she always wore ribbons in her hair (her mom had this amazingly organized ribbon collection). For some reason the ribbons really got to my sister. “I just can’t believe that little kid is gone.” And then: “But of course she wasn’t a little kid.” And see, now I’m remembering more stuff, like how she had a house full of cats and I was allergic to cats and spending the night, which I did all the time, was a sneezy, itchy affair if I didn’t take allergy medication early enough. She had a German Shepherd named Polo. Also, we drew on pillowcases with magic markers at one of her bday parties and I drew all my pets and their names. I still use that pillowcase as a sleeping bag cover (both the sleeping bag and pillowcase are in California which is why I can’t go camping in case you were thinking of asking me). Another quote from my sister: “She was so little.” (She was one of the shortest kids in class growing up.) Also, there were best friend necklaces. Two of them. I had the “Be Fri” half of the hearts and she had the “St End” part. And then there was this terrible summer camp we went to except she actually liked it and went back the next year. I think maybe I felt a little betrayed by that. Like: how could you like this total hellhole? Since when do we have different opinions?

We did grow apart. She got into 4-H and I got into makeup. We both rode horses for awhile but she was actually really good and jumped and won ribbons (again with the ribbons). She moved away in 7th grade I think. 6th grade? 8th grade? We kept in touch for awhile and then lost contact. We emailed again a couple years ago and I remember thinking we didn’t have that much in common anymore. Except even as I say this I can remember her phone number. I think she was the first person I ever really talked to extensively on the phone. We were Facebook friends and I think Myspace friends. She was tagged in a bunch of pictures after her death and the thing that’s kind of haunting me right now is that I looked at a bunch of pictures of her about a week ago without realizing they were uploaded in memoriam.

I’ve written before about how it’s the little mundane details of a person’s life that are crushing and human. You may have read this before but if not, here’s more on that.

Just wanted to say thanks for all the thoughtful comments. I appreciate it. You guys are great.

So usually I use this space for writing funny lists and being intentionally obnoxious but I found out this morning that my best friend growing up died in a skydiving accident. My first thought was “I will be ok,” which perhaps sounds selfish, except I lost someone close to me ten years ago and it completely upended my life (in certain ways it still has) and so I think the first thought was a reflexive self-preservation sort of reassurance. Like “Don’t worry, it’s not happening all over again.” Except if I remember correctly, which I do, my first thought when anyone close to me dies is “you’re ok, you’re ok, you’re ok” which I’m beginning more and more to think is strictly reflex and I realize I’m now going in thought circles. Like my brain is assessing the damage: you’re still breathing. Also, it’s probably akin to denial. Like “this isn’t happening this isn’t happening this isn’t happening.”

Because the truth is that I don’t really feel ok. Not at all.

And I’m confused too and unsure what to do with grief/mourning/loss of someone who wasn’t a part of your daily life. I mean, one one level, the main level, it’s just fucking sad. She was young and young people shouldn’t die, certainly not in freak accidents like this. And then on another level, the me level, I don’t know what to do with this other than cry, which I’m doing now.

As I'm all class, I have fake Ikea flowers in a vase in my apt. I'm going to take a bold step tonight, since I'm having a couple people over, and cut off the tags.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry