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The Vegemite Sandwich dance

By on February 12, 2009 in anna david, video, vlogs

A couple things

1) It had been a really long day
2) Note the way I captured/framed my hair and a tiny little sliver of my face in an entirely new way.
3) TV makeup doing weird things on my skin. As I said to Anna hours before we filmed this “I’m going to leave it on until I’m convinced a layer of my skin is burning off.”
4) I mean, not that it burns your skin at all. Just that at a certain point I want it OFF.
5) And yet I’m pretty girly.
6) It’s very windy in NYC in case you’re wondering.

GO TO Anna’s blog to see the video, won’t you?

And while you’re there, how about leaving some comments? Anna loves comments! If she could make a blanket out of comments she would, except maybe not because her apartment is pretty hot. But you know.

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Calling all nerds: Can you help Anna figure out how to hook up her DVD player?

By on February 12, 2009 in anna david, romance, video, vlogs

So last night Anna and I tried to hook up her DVD player but we couldn’t figure it out because it’s challenging and exists in multiple dimensions such as “things we don’t know” and also “plugs and that plug into stuff.” It was very vexing! So we’re turning to you, hoping one of you can help Anna out. Can you? Watch below for scintillating footage of patch bays which is a term I know from watching my friend record music and which is probably not the correct term but aren’t you impressed I even know it and also invigorating discussions of the way I pronounce certain words. Also, not loving my makeup here. Or my face, for that matter.

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Anna and I discuss that evil 25 random Facebook things

By on February 12, 2009 in anna david, Facebook, video, vlogs

Curious what the 25 Random Things we’re talking about is? Here’s is mine:

1. I don’t like to wake up on a zero or a five so I set my alarm for weird numbers. I justify this as quirky not neurotic because if I HAD to get up on a zero or five I totally could, so long as I spun around three times to the left while yelling “quark.”

2. Ok, so the spinning around and yelling quark part is made up, but the rest is true. Also, I consider myself a terrible liar. Truly.

3. When I was six I wanted to be a therapist.

4. I hate going to Kinko’s.

5. Facts of Life is my favorite show. I pride myself on having seen every episode. I enjoy Facts of Life trivia. I realize you’re very attracted to me right now.

6. I’m actually pretty shy deep down and can be easily intimidated in social situations. With a camera in my face and a microphone in my hand though, I’m a real extroverted asshole.

7. Does the above sound cliche? I’d rather not be cliche. Also, I’d rather not be invisible so if you recognize me I encourage you to make a big scene. Carry streamers just in case.

8. I went to Pomona College and majored in English. I miss those years. All five of them. (Not really!)

9. I have a younger sister and two older half brothers.

10. After college I played guitar a punk band.

11. I overthink everything. In fact, my California friends dubbed the process of overthinking “Rosenating.” Anyone can Rosenate though. I invite you to join in.

12. I have a magic 8 ball on my desk and like to ask it all sorts of questions however I won’t ask it anything morbid because I’m sort of superstitious even though deep down I don’t believe in any of that.

13. Unrelated, I was raised Quaker.

14. I value humor and self-awareness.

15. I hate the smell of white vinegar.

16. I love the smell of laundry detergent and dryer sheets.

17. I have naturally curly hair which is naturally black. I straighten it but I don’t dye it. I used to lighten it. I’m not goth.

18. I moved to New York without a job, shortly after 9/11. Most people thought what I was doing was nuts. I was afraid if I didn’t do it I’d blink and be old and still living in Orange County, CA, always wondering what would have happened if I’d had the balls to go to NYC.

19. That said, I miss CA and all my friends who are there and whenever I go back I feel kinda nostalgic for everything I left.

20. I very seldom worry about being both “funny” and “a woman” although maybe I should? I guess deep down I believe that everything will work out. Unless it totally doesn’t.

21. I’m not a shitty drummer. I’m kind of a shitty guitar player.

22. There are certain things which make me laugh and which will always make me laugh but which make no one else laugh. My jokes are not one of them though (they’re universally regarded as brilliant and hilarious.)

23. In order of cuteness: babies then puppies then ducklings

24. Perhaps it would behoove me to care more about not making a fool of myself.

25. I don’t enjoy karaoke or scrabble nearly as much as people assume I would.

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This was somewhat undelightful

By on February 10, 2009 in Uncategorized

Person I know: Just ran into [a guy I know but haven’t seen in awhile]. I didn’t know you had a spat!

Me: Huh? I didn’t know that either!

Person I know: He said you were [word meaning unkind].

So, there you go. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go fret over this for the next 12 hours.

Not really, I’m doing Strategy Room at noon tomorrow so I have to get up early to start strategizing. Also, I’m a total cold hearted bitch who doesn’t care anyway.

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How it's going to work on my sustainable farm

By on February 10, 2009 in comedy

When I grow up and earn untold millions of dollars I will use my vast wealth to hire someone whose entire job will be to make sure my TV doesn’t sit idle while some shitty show comes on. Apparently I’m too busy to handle this responsibility all by my lonesome, because quite frequently I’ll find myself in some other end of the apartment thinking “Why the fuck is that on and more importantly why has it been on for 20 minutes?” Hence: the hire.

But I won’t just be doing it because I hate Wheel of Fortune. I’ll be doing it as a way to stimulate the economy. If I can give some poor lost wayward soul a job, a salary and a place to sleep at night then it will be as if I’m giving something back. Granted I won’t be offering a place to sleep and I won’t be paying this person in actual money, but my heart’s in the right place.

Vegetables. Tubers, peppers, root vegetables. I’m thinking I’ll pay him or her in yams or bell peppers depending on how the crops come up that year.

Oh, did I not mention I’ll be running my own sustainable farm? Sometimes I neglect to mention it because I find it makes for better conversation when I refer to it as if you already knew and then ask if I neglected to mention it. Silly me!

Because I’ll be so busy getting my photo snapped for the money I’ll be appearing on, I won’t actually have time to manage the person I hire to manage the television and for that reason I’ll be hiring someone to manage that person. And then, because you can never be too safe, I’ll be hiring another person to micromanage the manager of the TV manager. Should that prove insufficient, I’ll add another person to the team. “So great to have you on our team!” I’ll say with a big smile before slamming myself in my office and never exchanging another word with him except for the occasional dissatisfied grunt. You really can’t coddle people, you know? It’s a very tough lesson I learned but I’m glad I learned it.

“You can coddle eggs and you can crack people, but you can’t crack coddled eggs,” my governess used to say to me in between chapters of The Trumpet of the Swan. I figured it was the alcohol talking, but I think I’m beginning to see her words in a new light.

I should probably tell you that I won’t be doing any of the actual farming myself either as I’ll be too busy training my lipizzaner stallions. I’m be farming out the farming —pun intended— to a team of interns. They’ll be unpaid but will receive college credit. Naturally I’ll have to hire someone else though to pat them down when they go on break and at the end of the day because so help me, if I find that any of those ungrateful bastards have helped themselves to a five finger potato discount, well, there’s going to be hell to pay.

I know it sounds harsh but it’s just that I’ve learned that it pays to be distrustful. In fact, that’s what I’ll be paying my team for.

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Confessions of a Shoporexic

By on February 9, 2009 in comedy, shopping

I’m not a big shopper. I know it goes against my chromosomal makeup however I’m just not. There are plenty of other things I can do to make myself feel feminine, such as talk about people behind their backs and scream when I see spiders. Also, I make my own potpourri.

I like to make this directly after douching and before taking Advil for cramps

In fact, there’s only been one time in my whole life that I’ve gone shopping with the express purpose of lifting my spirits and that was in college when I found out one of my friends had spent the night in a sleeping bag with a guy I had a crush on. “That’s great, I have to go,” I sniffled into the phone before jumping into my sensible Honda and driving to the world’s worst mall. “Who needs them!” I thought as I passed The Athlete’s Foot, which is a great name for a store that sells fungus but a terrible one for a store that doesn’t.

Doesn’t sell fungus. Incidentally, don’t ever blithely google “athlete’s foot” looking for an image of the store because you’ll get this instead. WARNING: disgusting ahead.

“Not me!” I announced as I passed a kiosks selling sunglasses, hair extensions and all manner of ergonomic miscellany. But the images of camping and betrayal hit me hard as I wended my way past Spencers For Gifts, Auntie Em’s Pretzels and Hot Topic. Was there love amongst the canteens? Furtive fleece-on-fleece frottage? Hot pine tree sex? How I loathed that tent of ill-repute!

If this tent’s a-rockin‘…

Eventually I made my way to the Gap and bought, I think, a black pea coat with goldtone buttons. Did it make me feel better? Sort of, until months later a friend asked if she could borrow it for a couple minutes to go outside at a party and I begrudgingly agreed, thinking what could possibly happen to a coat in two minutes?

I’ll tell you what can happen: Barf can happen. Not a lot. Just a fist sized puddle on the lapel. Repeated attempts at spot cleaning didn’t really get out the smell so I did what anyone would do, sprayed the fuck out of that spot with gross perfume and then went to class. I’m sure I smelled like a perfumey barf factory, but, um, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, I’m not a big shopper, I’m not often given to impulse purchases and even bulk discounts leave me cold. For example, though I buy toilet paper, as a courtesy to my guests since what use would I have for such a prosaic and crude household item, I always just buy four rolls instead of the gigantic 24 pack, which is surely more economical.

Seemed like I needed another photo here and I got tired of finding ones that correlate.

Also, when I used to smoke, way back in the 1950s when everyone smoked and they didn’t know yet that it was bad for you, I never ever bought cartons. I mean, I think once I did and as punishment I made sure to spend the money I saved on hard alcohol, which I also bought in bulk. As I sat there, one foot on my pony keg, four cigarettes in my mouth, I began to feel empty. Rich, but empty. Surely there was more to life than sausage? (I also bought an economy pack of breakfast links.) I dabbed at a tear with an adult diaper, which was on sale in a jumbo sized carton and then downed a fistful of sweet relish. I glanced at my compass, it was still pointing due north, and I pulled a pen from my pack of 12 and jotted a little note to myself on one of my 35 neon colored post it notepads. Then I taped the notes to my shoe tree with scotch tape, because I was now the proud owner of 12 rolls, well, 11 if you count the one I ate earlier, dipped in seafood salad. I was lonely and lost. Not literally, since I had three Thomas Bros Guides and mapping software for a PC, plus a desk reference set with collector’s globe, but just more in a spiritual sense.

Which brings me to today and CVS and their one dollar bargains. I am powerless to resist! The other day I bought this!

And then I bought this!

And then today I bought this!


I have no intention of dusting with the duster or watching this movie, or dusting with the duckling or watching the duck watch the movie, even though I know its lush cinematography will spring to life in super high def VHS format.


Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is multi-colored drawer organizers in an array of party colors? YOU WILL BE MINE!

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