Please stop biting me. Thank you.
Author Archive | Alison Rosen
Today's TONYblog 1 Thing
Fujiya & Miyagi
Good afternoon, my precious fiddlehead ferns. After yesterday’s excoriating indictment of my desk at my very own hands I decided to spend some time today cleaning it. And don’t think the fact that you could care less is lost on me, because I feel it. I’m just carrying on anyway because I’m my own copilot, you know?
Now then. It’s come to my attention that not only is it Friday, which is weird since it hardly feels like a Friday, but that you need some hot plans. Why don’t you head on down to the South Street Seaport, Pier 17, say, around 7pm, for Fujiya & Miyagi, whom you may remember from March, when we tried to send you to see them but it just wasn’t happening. Tonight it’s happening. And then go here for some hot bear-on-bear action.
Today's TONYblog 1 Thing
This is not my desk.
Salutations, my little zucchini flowers. My desk is closing in on me but that’s really nothing you should concern yourself with, seeing as my inability to keep my workspace neat and orderly is between me and the fire hazard. Okay, what the fuck is going on? Everyone around me is whispering! I’m getting paranoid. Good thing they can’t get to me behind this extra sturdy desk fortification. If only I had rearview mirrors on my computer. And a seatbelt for my computer chair. I already wear a helmet, but that’s just good sense. And good fashion. And court ordered.
So I suppose you’re waiting around for today’s hot plans and I’m not one to disappoint. Why don’t you take yourself to Equal, That Is, to the Real Itself. And then why don’t you watch Ethan and my 1 Thing vlog. It’s vlogtastic and vlogpendous and vlogriffic and vlogderful and we talk about the art show I just recommended!
Today's TONYblog 1 Thing
“I see a troll doll or Fraggle Rock, and I’m scared,” said one of the revelers, after gobbling a bunch of acid.
Aloha, my tropical coconuts—tomorrow is the day when people explode all kinds of loud crap in the air as a stream of urine gently runs down my leg. Actually, that’s not quite true. I’m okay with the big fireworks spectaculars—not to be confused with the terror spectaculars of which we’ve been warned. I find them disagreeably loud but I’ll admit they’re pretty. It’s the firecrackers that bad teenage boys who ride skateboards like to light that freak me out. Are those legal here? I don’t even know, I just know that I don’t like them!
But all that is tomorrow. For tonight you’ll be headed to Dick Swizzle’s Sudden Death Game Show because the name Dick Swizzle cracks me up and you like things that crack me up.
Today's TONYblog 1 Thing
Culture jam
Greetings, my little string beans. I had a particularly disgusting weekend as I was the victim of a pernicious new wave of street crime. Little shits on bikes spit loogies at me! I suffered a ride-by phlegming! Allow me to recount for you: So there I was, walking unawares down Avenue B. It was around 9:40pm. I heard the sound of bikes to my left and I also heard the sound of phlegm collection which is that dry-to-wet kind of throat clearing, coughing up sound which is not unlike when your hard drive is doing something loud and you realize there’s something wrong with your computer. I greeted this sound with slight trepidation and a bit of nausea, as I have a real visceral reaction to street loogies glistening on the sidewalk like so much throat snot. Actually, it’s not just visceral, it’s intellectual too, (more…)
Red Eye clip
From Tuesday’s show, along with an image because your clamoring is deafening. And embarrassing!
Jury Duty, Day Two
Greetings, my little Sno-Kones. Yesterday I’d whipped up a frothy blog post, but I couldn’t post it because our website was being revamped, and so now you’ll have to willingly suspend your disbelief, because I’m posting this from inside the confines of Time Out, seeing as I wasn’t ever picked for a jury, but I wrote it from inside the jury factory. All righty then:
Well, I’m back, my little legal eagles. Not back to the blog, though that’s true, but back to 100 Centre Street where I’m currently sitting in the hall because the jury room is full and the jury lunch room is full and this building is like a giant monster that burps jurors into hall and then swallows them again. That was disgusting. This morning there was a lengthy roll call and everyone said “here” except one person said “right here” and one said “that’s me.” No one said “present” or “yo.” I thought of asserting my funky uniqueness by answering in an unorthodox fashion, but decided against it. Actually, I didn’t really ever consider it, I just amused myself with various scenarios because that’s what one does while fulfilling her civic duty. (Duty! Hahahahahahahahahaha.)
Incidentally, I think my brain is atrophying, but on the upside I’ve made a friend: the court employee who walks up and down the hall. We exchanged heartfelt greetings today, but then later when I went to the bathroom, I only gave him a half smile, because I just didn’t feel like getting too chummy, you know? Then I overthought that for a good ten minutes. I figure the rest of my morning looks like finishing up this post, going to the bathroom a few more times because I really enjoy the liquid soap (it’s delicious!) and then maybe standing in front of the vending machines and zoning out. Then I’ll probably throw a book at myself, take a few oaths, send myself up to Attica, liberally toss about the term “prison bitch” and then plead out.
UPDATE: Court employee and I had a heartfelt good-bye when I was released, and we made plans to see each other again in six years. I kind of miss him already.
Red Eye tonight
THIS JUST IN: Should you find yourself near a television set at say 2am Eastern or 11pm Pacific tonight do tune in to Red Eye on the Fox News Channel because I’ll be on it and I’ll be talking about stuff so important you’ll kick yourself forever plus infinity if you miss it. You may now return to googling yourself. Thank you.
Not making any "duty" jokes is killing me
Is one allowed to blog from jury duty? They didn’t give us any instruction on the matter, so I’ll assume it’s okay until I’m told otherwise. So here I am, Day One. I just sent an e-mail to my podmates updating them about the excitement nonpareil (that’s excitement made out of chocolate and rolled in those hard little white balls) that was this morning when it dawned on me that perhaps you, the judiciary-minded readership, would like to also be in the loop. And so you shall! Here is the e-mail, lovingly reprinted for your punitive ease. Am I just throwing legal-sounding terms around? You bet your fiduciary I am! Now recuse this legislation and make it gubernatorial, prosecution!
Here is the e-mail:
Hi! I’m at jury duty. I watched a filmstrip about the judicial process and learned that in olden times they used to stick a person’s hand in boiling water and if it healed, they were innocent. I think this is one of the suggested methods. Now I’m sitting in cramped room near a watercooler, so I have to move out of the way when anyone tries to get by. I had a plum seat earlier but I accidentally forfeited it when I went to the bathroom. Apparently, leaving my pen and copy of Time Out didn’t adequately mark it.
Now, I think the most interesting thing here is to note that even out of the office I’m toting the magazine around, as if I myself am an extension of the brand, though Learning Annex has yet to realize this. But really it’s because I was paid a personal visit by Adam Feldman yesterday, who took umbrage with my suggestion that cryptic crosswords were anything other than pure jouissance. Naturally he didn’t present it to me this way; instead he gave me a cryptic-crossword lesson and then offered to go through each clue with me. It certainly seems to have paid off though, because after staring at the puzzle for about an hour this morning I think I figured out exactly one clue. What was I saying? I don’t know, I’m very distracted by the actions of the people around me. Perhaps I’ll get into it in a later post.
more 1 Things from the TONYblog
Cryptic!
Yesterday I told you that tonight your 1 Thing was going to be a wine festival and I’d be a no-good liar if I changed my mind, now wouldn’t I? But then again in yesterday’s post I told you I was a horrendous liar, so I’d be a liar if I kept my word. I’m like a logic puzzle! If I had a twin who was standing in front of a door and behind one of us was the door to freedom and behind the other, Bob Barker, which would you choose, provided you were allowed to ask only one question but knowing that I only wear pants on days starting with T and my twin only wears pants on days starting with S and she has six hatboxes and only four hats, one of which has to be returned to Marta by 3pm on Sunday?
If you enjoyed that, you’re a masochist.
Wait, no, what I meant to say is that if you like games you’ll love our Games issue (available online tomorrow). I tried to do some of the puzzles last night before getting frustrated by the cryptic crossword, which is the caviar of crosswords I’ve been told, which is why I recommend putting it in the fridge for about four hours and then eating it with a dab of sour cream.