Author Archive | Alison Rosen

even when you clean it still looks dirty. To wit: I just cleaned my whole bathroom and now it looks ready to be cleaned. This is the second apartment I’ve had this problem in. Guess I should probably start just using the toilet like everyone else.

Disgusting! That is totally disgusting and I can’t believe I would even joke about it. Well, actually I can, but you can’t.

But see that’s the thing with these charming old apartments. They have years of charming old grime stuck in all the corners. If you remove it your walls might literally crumble and you’ll be living in the middle of a quaint pre-war rubble heap. The stories this grime could tell!

Also, I miss dishwashers and garbage disposals and I think my neighbors are getting tired of me peeling my carrots out the window.

Fine, I don’t really do that. The last carrot I peeled was months ago in California anyway, not that what I do or don’t do with vegetables is really germane to the discussion of bathrooms.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is if you watch me on Red Eye tonight, please note the way my bathroom is very clean.

In the city, that is. You may begin rejoicing. Unless you’re on the west coast in which case you may commence hand-wringing, tear-shedding and heavens-railing-at. A friend recently told me that I’d become more LA ever since I moved to New York, by which he meant that I sucked because I didn’t get in touch with him when I was in California. Hm.

I’m on Red Eye tomorrow so don’t forget to cancel all your plans so you can watch it.

Greetings blog readers. Sorry I've been a little MIA it's just that every time I think of you I picture you reading another blog and I thought I could get past it but I can't. Wait, I need to dry heave for a couple minutes and then I need to whimper, sniffle and then violently chop lettuce while wiping my tears on my apron. You break my heart sometimes, you know that? You really do. I'm just glad we never had those half human half blog babies we dreamed about.

Anyway, I just walked down to the water. If I had a camera on my phone I could show you how beautiful it was but since I don't I'll have to use words to paint the picture. here goes:

The water was blue and shiny not unlike my eyes if instead of dancing brown eyes flecked with gold I had eyes that were blue and shiny like the water. The sand was sandy. I don't know this firsthand since I stayed on the sidewalk overlooking the beach, but in my experience sand is sandy and also sometimes it sticks to you. then you go to wash it off and then you take another step and whatever grains of errant sand are on the street cling to your just cleaned and still wet feet. I kind of hate that because I am fastidious in all areas of my life except the way I keep my apartment and the way I live.

While at the water I took a few deep cleansing breaths, thought about what it all meant while getting my head together and then I called a party line because I wanted to talk to attractive singles in my area. Okay, that's not true, but remember those? No? Neither do I.

Also, I think you should know that I'm walking around with my phone in one pocket and my ipod in the other and I think it makes me look a bit like a duck. The fact that I'm quacking every few feet and just laid an egg is beside the point.

I guess that's all for now.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Please spend your memorial day with me at 11:30pm on E!

You’re probably wondering how I feel about the fact that Friday’s episode is airing Monday. At first I was disappointed at having to reschedule the viewing party I’d planned in sixteen different cities across the states. I was going to jump out of a cake in all of them at the same time, which is harder than it sounds, but upon reflection I must admit that I appreciate the two extra days of anonymity this will afford me. I mean, I’m used to living a life that’s slightly better than everyone else’s in the entire world, and I’m used to treatment that’s maybe a hair more professional than say, what you might receive, but at the end of the day I’m still a normal, if extraordinary, person and I have mixed feelings about that changing as it certainly will any minute now.

I’m in California, sipping a pina colada on the beach while my assistant fans me with a palm frond. Seriously, Esmarelda, must you fan so vigorously? Your fervent fanning nearly knocked the pineapple wedge out of my drink! Yes, it’s speared on tiny little sword most likely found next to a tiny little treasure chest—the purloined bounty of rogue pygmy pirates who met some unforeseen and possibly grizzly fate at the hands of something bigger than they were—judging from the size of their weaponry, and its most curious color (translucent yellow, in this case, but these tiny swords have also been found in red, light blue and white. also green), I’d say these pirates could be overtaken by any sort of fist sized fish. A hearty clam could also pose a threat. Anyway, a lot of history in this garnish, so I beseech you to fan with care.

Okay fine, I’m sitting at my parents’ kitchen table. I’m not drinking a pina colada and no one is fanning me. I’m not hot though, so I don’t really need to be fanned. I wouldn’t mind a light breeze.

I haven’t seen it yet but my profile of Evan Handler ran in yesterday’s Page Six Magazine. If you have access to the issue, please read it and let me know what I said. Just kidding, I remember what I said. Anyway, Evan Handler played/plays Harry, Charlotte’s husband, in Sex and the City, lest you are like, “wait, why do I know that name?” And here’s a tidbit/ factoid that didn’t make it into the story (because I didn’t put it in there) : When we went to take our seats at Hugo’s I asked him where he wanted to sit and he chose a seat in front of a bookshelf that had geodes displayed in it. “Ah, you’re keeping your back to the geodes! Very smart,” I said, because sometimes I say things like that. “What?” he asked. I repeated. “Oh! I thought you said I was keeping my back to the jew,” he explained. “Nope. Geodes, geodes,” I said like someone with geological tourettes. They were magnificent geodes, by the way. Sparkly and devout.

I was looking at this photo of Barbara Walters this morning thinking the flower thing on her lapel looks awfully familiar. Then I realized where I’ve seen it. On my computer! It looks just like the puff of smoke icon on a Mac which shows up when you remove an icon from the dock.

Okay, that wasn’t even funny. It’s like I’m not even trying!