Author Archive | Alison Rosen

I’m in California, sipping a pina colada on the beach while my assistant fans me with a palm frond. Seriously, Esmarelda, must you fan so vigorously? Your fervent fanning nearly knocked the pineapple wedge out of my drink! Yes, it’s speared on tiny little sword most likely found next to a tiny little treasure chest—the purloined bounty of rogue pygmy pirates who met some unforeseen and possibly grizzly fate at the hands of something bigger than they were—judging from the size of their weaponry, and its most curious color (translucent yellow, in this case, but these tiny swords have also been found in red, light blue and white. also green), I’d say these pirates could be overtaken by any sort of fist sized fish. A hearty clam could also pose a threat. Anyway, a lot of history in this garnish, so I beseech you to fan with care.

Okay fine, I’m sitting at my parents’ kitchen table. I’m not drinking a pina colada and no one is fanning me. I’m not hot though, so I don’t really need to be fanned. I wouldn’t mind a light breeze.

I haven’t seen it yet but my profile of Evan Handler ran in yesterday’s Page Six Magazine. If you have access to the issue, please read it and let me know what I said. Just kidding, I remember what I said. Anyway, Evan Handler played/plays Harry, Charlotte’s husband, in Sex and the City, lest you are like, “wait, why do I know that name?” And here’s a tidbit/ factoid that didn’t make it into the story (because I didn’t put it in there) : When we went to take our seats at Hugo’s I asked him where he wanted to sit and he chose a seat in front of a bookshelf that had geodes displayed in it. “Ah, you’re keeping your back to the geodes! Very smart,” I said, because sometimes I say things like that. “What?” he asked. I repeated. “Oh! I thought you said I was keeping my back to the jew,” he explained. “Nope. Geodes, geodes,” I said like someone with geological tourettes. They were magnificent geodes, by the way. Sparkly and devout.

I was looking at this photo of Barbara Walters this morning thinking the flower thing on her lapel looks awfully familiar. Then I realized where I’ve seen it. On my computer! It looks just like the puff of smoke icon on a Mac which shows up when you remove an icon from the dock.

Okay, that wasn’t even funny. It’s like I’m not even trying!

I've decided to take my life in my hamds and blog from the elliptical machine. Not only is it probably inteerfering with my workoit but its also intefering with my ability to type om this small keypad. This sentence took m$e thiryt miniutes. Not realluy. Okay, I give up. Score one for the startrac. I hate you vile machine.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

So I go to get ice the other day and I can’t help but notice this strange little ice protuberance extending straight up from one of the ice cubes. It defies physics, or my I-didn’t-actually-take-physics-I-took-chemistry sense of physics. Speaking of taking chemistry though, or just math in general, last night someone joked that they “changed pi” and I actually said “they did?!?!” A hearty laugh was had at my expense and I didn’t have the energy to explain that of course I didn’t really think pi had changed, I just thought maybe some sort of official decision was made about where to cut pi off. That doesn’t really make sense though. But then Avogadro’s number came up and an old college friend whom I hadn’t seen in awhile said that it was 6.02 times ten to the negative twenty fourth and I said that actually it was negative twenty third. None of us went home and had sex that night. Incidentally, I used to fight all trappings of nerdiness when I was younger and yet as an adult I enjoy brief bouts of nerdistry. But while we all remembered once knowing about Avogadro’s number, none of us really remembered what a mole was exactly.

But back to the ice. Isn’t it weird?

I turned the horny cube on its side to try to better capture it. It didn’t work so well but you can sort of make it out.

Earlier we* were making preparations for an upcoming TV thing and I was asked if I’m going to show up to the taping camera ready or if I’ll need hair and makeup. I said that I was born camera ready but that I would need hair and makeup.

Then I saw the call sheet and it said “Full Hair/Makeup” so I think I will take advantage of this opportunity to request a perm and also that they make me look like a cat.

*By the way, I’m not lapsing into the royal we. There was actually another human being involved in this. His name is Ned and he’s invisible. He lives a pencil box on my desk and comes out when I am lonely, scared, or need a pencil.

If you don’t even have a pot to piss in then couldn’t you just use a restroom?

And let’s say all you have is a pot to piss in, wouldn’t it be better to still use the bathroom and save this pot for other things like making soup out of tin cans and newspapers, provided you could find those?

Unless “pot” in this case means toilet, like you don’t even have a toilet to piss in, in which case I would suggest using a Le Creuset 2 3/4 qt. soup pot. They come in an array of colors and according to the web site, “each pot is shaped to promote the natural circulation of the ingredients while simmering, so soups and stews cook evenly.” Imagine what it would do for your urine.

Also, you could toss your hay-pennies into this pot.