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Author Archive | Alison Rosen
I feel like I'm in a dream
because there is a thread over on The Activity Pit called “Alison Rosen’s hair” and it’s not entirely flattering—what’s up with the way it poofs out unnaturally—did I overdo it with the hairspray? Is it dry?—and I can’t quite explain why this intense follicular scrutiny makes me feel like I’m in a dream but it does. I think because I’ve joked so much about being obsessed with my hair that to be confronted with the way others are splitting hairs over it (get it? nothing to get here, move along) is strangely gratifying/disturbing.
But see, I feel I shouldn’t comment in the thread itself, yet if I don’t comment I’ll simply die! So here goes:
Yes, I wear a wig and extensions. In fact, under my long black hair is a blond pageboy. Under that is a mousy brown choirboy. My head is like a series of Russian nesting dolls.
The poofing you’re noticing is a result of teasing. Before I go on air the hairstylist shouts taunts at my head. “Is that your hair or did your neck throw up?” is my favorite.
Teasing or back-combing is how “anchor hair” is achieved. Not that I sit in the chair and request anchor hair, however I’ve noticed that I definitely prefer my hair with some poof in it. Otherwise it’s too flat, which is just no good on TV. In real life though, it’s pretty flat.
I don’t dye my hair. It’s naturally black. Truthfully. Don’t make me rip out a hair and show you the root because I so will. As proof I submit my mom and my sister, both of whom also have black hair.
I do straighten my hair though.
I guess that’s really all I have to say at this time.
Words
Note: please excuse my spelling errors. There's only one dictionary at the gym and someone's on it.
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At the gym; reality tv
I’m at the gym not taking an abdominal class because yesterday I decided to get on some machine and do a few crunches and then the gym asked me to stop because I was doing it so well the other gym patrons were getting discouraged. “Save it!” I said, holding up a sculpted arm. “Story of my life.” It actually is, and the first line is, “Call me sculpted arm.” Catchy, right? It’s been ripped off left and right, which is also the story of my life. That one starts, “It was the best of arms, it was the worst of arms.” Around that time Hemingway came out with Farewell to Arms, which I took as a personal affront, so I went into witness protection. Ernie was always doing stuff like that, and I realize that now, but at the time I was really trying to be safe. Anyway, that’s why I’m not in that class, but damn you, that’s not what I was planning on talking about today! You’re just too distracting, you know that? When I look into your eyes I see myself. Very tiny in your pupils. There I am! Waving! Wait hold still I think I have something in my eye. Sorry, am I making you uncomfortable? I can almost make it out.
So I’ve put up with a lot of shark jumping from Keeping Up With The Kardashians and I’ve loved them all the same, refusing to see the obvious contrivances, because such is my love. But last night they just pushed me too far with the completely impossible to believe calendar mix up. For the uninitiated, which is probably all of you, I will briefly recap:
For her boyfriend’s bday, Kim Kardahsian decides to make a sexy calendar exclusively for him and she even gets her butt sucked by a vacuum in advance so her cellulite will be lint free. Then she has this photo shoot and her boyfriend actually shows up and is made slightly uncomfortable by the sexy factor but Kim tells us when he realizes it’s for his eyes only it’ll be okay, nevermind the fact that she posed in Playboy and there was a sex tape. So the big thing is that he can’t know it’s a surprise for him—he has to think it’s a magazine photo shoot. So then Kim is somewhere off screen and a package arrives at smooch, the children’s clothing store that the girls run. Because you’d obviously send your racy photos to a children’s clothing store. So then Kim’s mom Kris ‘where’s my nose’ Jenner, wife of Bruce ‘I don’t know, but I can’t find mine either’ Jenner opens the package addressed to Kim because she’s her manager. Might I say that is a really poor system? Upon seeing the racy calender, Kris thinks that obviously this is some project of Kim’s that she forgot about and she doesn’t want Kim to think she dropped the ball as a manager so she gets the thing published and puts it in four stores in Calabasas because she is a publishing magnate and that’s how it works. Mind you, all this happens in the time it takes freakishly small Kourtenay and or-is- she-freakishly-large Khloe to have a few drinks and realize Bruce is inspirational. They had some drinks at a sports museum in orange county and I have no idea where this place is, but that’s a side note.
So then Kim freaks out when she realizes her calendar is at the Stop & Go or wherever it is and also at the newstand and she has to buy up all the copies paying full price each and the guy selling doesn’t even seem to realize that the girl buying up all the calendars being followed by cameras is the same girl in the calendar. That is some good acting. Everyone else’s though was terrible.
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This just in: I'll be on Hannity & Colmes tonight
9:30pm Eastern time tonight on FNC!
At the gym; menopause
Greeting my little fuzzy dice. I'm here at the gym thinking that I've been able to bear children for twenty years now and I would have made a damn good mother at thirteen so just save it if that's what you were thinking. I was very mature for my age. I'd already read almost all the Sweet Valley High books and some of the Sweet Valley University ones. I couldn't even get into the Sweet Valley junior high ones, that's how mature I was. So but if you think about it, I could already be a grandmother. And thanks a lot for calling me today, kids. I swear, you give them life and what's your thanks? A macaroni wreath and a bookmark that says number one grandma? Actually, I'm so young at heart I told the girls that I don't feel like a grandmother yet so just call me Bertie. I feel like a Bertie.
Anyway, on this, my birthday, I've been thinking that it may be time to reinvent myself. I mean, not the actual me, I'm perfect as is, but the way I am referred to on tv because no matter what they label me as it just doesn't seem right. I'm a writer for magazines but I think that suggests something slightly other than what I provide on tv. Comedian is really closest to what I do on red eye, but I don't perform standup. Hrm. Anyway, which do you think sounds best (but I'm thinking for other shows, not red eye where I don't think it matters at this point since everyone knows me)
Writer and pop culture expert
Writer and pop culture and political analyst who is also funny
Tiny dancer
Smooth criminal
Blogger and tv commentator who also is a journalist
Of course I'm joking about most of these sadly. Am I giving up on this blog post? I am. I am sweaty and have no follow through. Maybe it's menopause. Oh goody!
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a thought I had about raccoons
If you were a raccoon who also happened to be a raconteur, it would be tough to come up with anything pithy to call yourself. Perhaps this is why raccoons make such boring company.
At the gym; Red Eye party report
Greetings my little tortillas, I’m back on the bike after half an hour on the elliptical machine where I didn’t blog for all the reasons I listed yesterday. So it occurs to me that I’m overdue for giving you the exhaustive run down of Wednedsay’s Red Eye party which someone here asked for. Of course I will deliver this, however my hands are sweating something fierce and my little blackberry is sliding all around. It’s almost as if I’m getting ready to hold my own hand for the very first time.
Anyway, the party was held at a sleek downtown boite. I almost couldn’t find it because I was looking for a chic dowtown loft and well, I had my boites and lofts confused as one will do. Anyway, the guest list was quite exclusive as you can imagine. I was numbers one to twenty of the three hundred and I spotted myself in a number of situations running the gamut from surprising to dowright indecent! I was a veritable who’s who of the television elite. Also, I was shorter but even more beautiful in person. Blind item alert! Blind item after the jump!
[Whee!] (I just jumped)
Blind item! (I’ll wait while you cover your eyes) okay, what known canoodler was seen canoodling with a canoodle while canoodlers canoodled? Allegedly?
Send in your best guesses! In other news I overheard myself talking in hushed tones excitedly about things. The drinks were flowing which made the names bolder. My middle initial may have made out with my last name! Quelle gumption!
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Clips from Red Eye on May 1
The editing in this video isn’t amazing. I’ll have to bring that up to my videographer whose name is Alison Rosen but clearly it’s some other Alison Rosen, not this one, because this one is far too busy being important. (Also, yes, Greg had something on his face. It was makeup from a joke about Red Eye now broadcasting in HD.)
Thoughts I have while working at home during the day
If my window is open and I hear someone in another apartment across the way sneezing, should I lean my head out and yell “bless you”?