Author Archive | Alison Rosen

Fox & Friends & syrup

By Alison Rosen on July 24, 2008 in TV, weird food

If you’re like me then you love seeing me on TV. Good news: I’ll be back on Fox & Friends this Sunday doing the Fast Forward segment. It’ll probably be at 9:45am but that could change so please check my blog every hour on the hour if not more frequently and ask all your friends to do the same.

In other news, I’ve become a fan of this:

It’s very low-calorie somewhat artificial tasting weird consistency maple syrup. I like to pour a blob of it in a cup and then stir in a packet of Splenda and then put it in the freezer and make a little syrup puck which tastes sort of like maple and sort of like a hockey puck.

I think like a meteorologist

By Alison Rosen on July 23, 2008 in Red Eye

At least, that’s the conclusion I drew after Rick Reichmuth and I almost made each other’s points repeatedly on Red Eye tonight. You may not be able to tell because we each switched gears upon hearing the other one make the point we were about to make, but that’s what was going on behind the scenes. It was uncanny. Also, there was a lot of rain.

Good news, I'm a hypochondriac

By Alison Rosen on July 23, 2008 in Uncategorized

So get this! Ol‘ numero 30 (I had it wrong, it was 30 not 29) is fine! Ship shape! A-okay! The dentist who was 112 but very nice blew cold air on it and banged it with an instrument and even x-rayed it and everything’s going gangbusters for that little molar. Apparently he thinks it was just tooth sensitivity! JUST TOOTH SENSITIVITY! He even felt my glands and listened to my jaw with a stethoscope. He also complimented my bite a few times and I thought he was nearly going to jump out of his chair with delight when I mentioned retainers in passing. Did I bring them, he wanted to know. Regrettably I didn’t, I had to tell him, and at the time I was like “yeah, how silly of me not to have brought my retainers!” however now that I’m back home and away from shelves of plaster teeth moldings and more diplomas and awards and honors than you can imagine, including an autographed picture from Frank Sinatra and some shots of the Pope (he’s a very decorated dentist. Perhaps he invented retainers), it’s occurring to me that I never would have thought to bring them. In fact, the last time I took them anywhere was when I first got them and left them (in their case) in the car of this guy I had a crush on which made me want to die. Sadly, that wouldn’t be the most embarrassing item I’d leave behind.

On my way to the dentist

By Alison Rosen on July 23, 2008 in Uncategorized

I'm on my way the the dentist and hoping he's not going to suggest doing anything that's going to make me look like a chipmunk on TV tonight. For example, if he suggests stuffing my cheeks with acorns I will ask if it's vitally important to do that this morning or if I can come back another day and do it. Then I will stamp my tail and burrow. Or whatever it is chipmunks do. Look cute and eat nuts?
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Will Ferrell and I are tooth buddies

By Alison Rosen on July 22, 2008 in llamas, will ferrell

Tomorrow morning I’m going to a dentist for the first time in New York. Now I know what you’re thinking, that that’s hard to believe since I’ve lived here for over six years, but you see, while I’ve lived here for six years, my teeth only got here a year ago. Also, usually I just go to the dentist in California who also happens to be the dentist Will Ferrell trusts with his teeth (I just couldn’t bring myself to refer to them as his chompers, pearly whites, or ‘grill’.) I’ve never actually seen Will Ferrell or his brother, who I’m told also goes there as well as their mom, however I always ask how he’s doing or if he’s been in lately and they always tell me that he hasn’t but his mom or brother has and he’s doing well and very rich. That’s pretty much all I ever hear about him, just how really rich he is. Then the dentist comes in (up to this point I’ve been chatting with the hygienist), asks me if I’m still in school and I say I’ve been out of school for eleven years and how’re my gums? At the end they let me look at my teeth in a tooth shaped mirror and give me a free toothbrush with the name and address of the dentist embossed on the side. Does Will Ferrell also brush his teeth with this kind of cheapo personalized toothbrush? Don’t be silly! He brushes his teeth with a golden toothbrush made of mermaid hair. Sometimes while I’m there I ask to use the bathroom and they give me a key attached to a giant toothbrush! I mean we’re talking freakishly large. Do plastic surgeons attach keys to breast implants?

So anyway, I have a toothache in twenty nine. Lower right twenty nine. That’s tooth talk for one of the ones on the bottom. Sensitivity to cold? Check. Sensitivity to sweet, hot, loud noises, motion, a tiny gnome pounding my tooth with a small hammer? Not yet but I imagine it could happen. And so twenty nine and his friends and I will be repairing to a new dentist tomorrow. I’m reminded of the episode of Sesame Street where a llama went to the dentist which is really preposterous when you think about it. Although that would totally make tomorrow worth it if there were llamas in the waiting room with me.

Update: I'm on Red Eye tomorrow (Wednesday night/Thurs morning)

By Alison Rosen on July 22, 2008 in Red Eye

Remember how I was going to be on Red Eye on Friday and you were all like “I can’t wait that long,” well now you don’t have to! Hooray! Woohoo! Yippee! More similar words!

Dick Wolf's oeuvre

By Alison Rosen on July 22, 2008 in things I’ve learned from watching TV

When I look back on my life and think that there are so many things I could have been doing in my thirties such as having kids and, um, scrapbooking, I suspect the following post will serve as a piquant example of how I frittered away my time. Now I’m wondering if an example can be piquant. If it were an example of salsa, certainly, however what if it’s an example of time frittering? A spicy, bold example?

But as I was saying: Am I the only one who vastly prefers Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit to the regular Law and Order or God forbid that Vincent D’Onofrio version which I can’t stomach at all but is always playing on Jet Blue flights. I mean is there a channel that exclusively airs the Vincent D’Onofio Law and Order because I think Jet Blue subscribes to that satellite service. And then there’s Law and Order: Trial by Jury which don’t even get me started on because I haven’t seen it. But basically if it doesn’t involve Olivia shuddering over live victims and befriending children in a way which I know is supposed to strike us as compassionate but often comes off as creepy, and Stabler needing get a hold of yourself, Elliott, I don’t want to watch it. Goddamnit what is the name of that other one? The forensics one? I need to fly cross country so I can find out.

Apartments

By Alison Rosen on July 22, 2008 in Uncategorized

Is it wrong to want to rule out an apartment just because it's a walk-up? The irony is that I'm typing this while at the gym, on the stairclimber. Not really. I'm on the bike. And perhaps if I had to cycle to my apartment I wouldn't be so quick to say no, but the idea of having to climb a number of flights to get home bothers me. What if someone is chasing me and my legs get all noodley/rubbery and I can't push myself any further and I'm carrying sixteen bags of groceries, two cans of hairspray, emergency television makeup, three books, a drink and a lawnchair and I slip? That would never happen as I would never carry a lawn chair. But this is reason five million and twelve why looking for an apartment when it's hot and summertime is stupid. Maybe I wouldn't mind stairs in the winter. Anyone? Weigh in please.
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