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Author Archive | Alison Rosen

101 Things To Do In A Sh*tty Economy, 1-11

By on February 28, 2009 in comedy, lists

Bad finances got you down? Try one of the following penny-pinching solutions.

1. Never can get the last bits of lipstick out of your near empty tubes? Don’t fret, pet. Wait until you’ve got a bunch (at least 5) and then head to your nearest MAC store where you can use them to beat the cashier until she hands over all the money in the register.

2. Weather is your friend. Capture light wintry mix in a bowl. Add dirt from your garden (No garden? Scrape the bottom of your shoe!) and serve at your next cocktail party!

3. Don’t throw out those last pieces of soap. Put them in a pot, boil them down and make soup!

4. Shave your head. The money you save on shampoo alone will be enough to buy food for your egg-laying chicken. (see #5)

5. Buy an egg-laying chicken. The money you save on eggs alone will be more than enough to pay for a wig. (see #4)

6. Egg-laying chicken turned out to be a rooster? Look on the bright side. Now you’ll never miss another sunrise. Nor will any of your neighbors!

7. OK so it looks like you’ll be needing a lawyer as your neighbors weren’t able to look on the bright side. Whip up a bowl of your best soap soup and offer to trade services. (Soap soup in exchange for legal representation.)

8. So you got evicted. Grab your rooster and hit the road. Think of it as an adventure! Fuck conformity, hobo chic style!

9. Instead of spending your hard earned money at a laundromat, wash clothes in shower (just get in shower fully clothed) and then dry them in the microwave. Make sure there’s no metal in your clothing. Consider a browning sleeve if you like your shirts crispy.

10. Old cook’s secret: In a pinch, eye makeup remover can double for olive oil in your recipes.

11. Baking a cake but unsure whether the oven is the right temperature and can’t afford an accurate thermometer? Stick hand in oven. When skin is light and flaky, cake is done.

[do I even need to say that you shouldn’t actually try any of these at home and this list is just a joke?]

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a couple green room shots

By on February 27, 2009 in photos, photos from TV, Red Eye


“We look like bobble head dolls,” said Josh. Well, maybe he actually only said he did but I do too here. I didn’t realize I had the bobble head filter on. Also, this is the same green room as Geraldo uses. Did I mention I was on Geraldo? A bunch of times? (Not on the show a bunch of times, but mention it a bunch of times?). Why just tonight when Patty Ann Browne asked what I did for the Oscars, I said: “Geraldo!” Then I puffed up in a self-important fashion while Greg made an off-color joke. Also of note is the way this green room’s walls are actually green. How cliché.

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This just in: I'm on Red Eye tonight

By on February 27, 2009 in Uncategorized

Sorry to send you guys on a crazy roller coaster ride here but I am indeed on Red Eye tonight so cancel the plans you made when I told you yesterday that I wasn’t on Red Eye. I mean, they were just last minute plans to escape the incredible pain and loss of not being able to see me on the show anyway, right?

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Think you know me? Take the quiz

By on February 26, 2009 in quiz

What kind of person writes a quiz about themselves? This kind of person. Now, to the questions, shall we?

1. I typically refer to my eyes a certain way. That way is:

a) dancing brown eyes flecked with gold
b) chocolate brown
c) shit brown
d) hazel

2. If you were to meet me in the city of my birth you’d head to:

a) Costa Mesa, CA
b) Corona del Mar, CA
c) Oakland, CA
d) San Diego, CA

3) True or False: I ate a jar of caperberries tonight.

4) I’m quite proud of a certain ability of mine. Which is it?

a) I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue
b) I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my hands
c) I can raise each eyebrow separately
d) I can speak fluent Mandarin

5) I have:

a) one younger sister and two older brothers
b) one older sister and two older brothers
c) two younger sisters and one older brother
d) I’m an only child

6) I’m more a:

a) cat person
b) dog person

7) When it comes to the stars, I’m:

a) a Taurus
b) a Pisces
c) a Feces
d) an Aries

8) I played a sport as a child. Name that sport!

a) softball
b) soccer
c) field hockey
d) tennis

9) All my guy friends are named:

a) Bob
b) Mike
c) Steve
d) Kevin

10) I majored in:

a) Psychology
b) English
c) History
d) double major: Art history and Women’s Studies

11) I intensely dislike a certain smell. That malodorous wallop is packed by:

a) cilantro
b) pine-sol
c) white vinegar
d) sawdust

12) My hair is:

a) awesome
b) naturally black and curly
c) naturally straight and brown
d) extensions

Okay now I’m tired so I’m cutting this quiz short but I feel this is likely the beginning of even more quizzes. Yay!

Answers:

1. a, 2. c, 3. T, 4. c, 5. a, 6. b, 7. a, 8. d, 9. b, 10. b, 11. c, 12. a and b

Also, don’t you hate when quiz answers are all smushed together like in the above? I do too. This quiz is very beta.

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For those who are wondering

By on February 26, 2009 in Uncategorized

Another topic which came up in the comments:

I’m not on Red Eye tomorrow, though I’ll be appearing the following week. This kind of thing is just a scheduling thing and not at all what I was referring to when I said on Twitter earlier that I got kicked in the professional nuts. You know, smacked in the professional groin. Hit in the professional nads. Punched in the professional baby makers.

That last one was kind of gross.

What was I referring to?

A polite rejection form letter which made me feel like I’M SORRY, COME AGAIN? Are you sure this isn’t some kind of mistake?

Because, see, you know those writers who have writing rooms plastered with rejection letters? I’m not one of them. I don’t have a writing room for one and for two, everyone who reads my stuff loves it. I got into the college of my choice early admission. I’m a very successful and lovable person. Glass ceiling? I simply pushed on it and it opened. Love and relationships? They all go swimmingly. My hair? FRIZZ FREE. Once I cooked a three minute egg in two minutes. At some point the above diverged from reality but what I’m saying is I’ve been exceedingly lucky in the professional rejection department in that I haven’t experienced too much of it. I’m not going to say I haven’t experienced any, because of course I have especially in the last few years, ok also and when I first moved to New York, but for the most part I reserve rejection for people I’m dating.

So today’s rejection was swift and painful, and unexpected due to my own very generous opinion of my work.

That’s ok though, because it was just the fuck you I needed.

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My affection for you

By on February 26, 2009 in Uncategorized

OK so it was brought up in the comments that you guys professed your love for me and then I turned around and called you my “internet bunions” which must have felt like being slapped with a thousand tiny gloves and also, it should be pointed out, “internet bunions” was suggested by Ted who has strong feelings about how we all should be addressed. I was happy to go on calling you corn nuts and enchiladas and various other snack food items.

But, you see, I think you guys heard me wrong. What I really called you was my “internet bunnies.” Not sticking? Then perhaps what you heard was?

internet buddies
internet bundt cakes
internet buddyroos
internet buns (?)

I could go on. Except I actually can’t think of anything else. So in this case, I can’t go on.

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Endangered words and creepy girls

By on February 26, 2009 in anna david, definitions, freelancing makes you weird, words

Gawker put up this post about endangered words and the scary thing is that I frequently use most of the words people are worried about losing and/or saying should be brought back. Why, just the other day I remarked to a friend, “Zounds! I’m headed to a hootenanny where I shall squeeze my guts with a stick! Then I shall tweet about any terrific frippery I encounter after said gut squeezing.” Which begs the question: Am I that person out there in the linguistic forest chained to a big tree? Because no one cares about that person. I mean, you don’t want them to get chopped down because that’s gross, but in general it’s like, “you should have thought about that before chaining yourself to a tree.” It also begs the question, does anyone chain themselves to trees or is that just a plot device from Family Ties?

It also begs the question if my references are anachronistic in the extreme so pretend instead of Family Ties I’d said One Tree Hill.

The other day Anna and I were talking and I told her a story where I’d worried I’d come off as a creepy goober and she stopped me and said nothing I could have done would be worse than having used the word goober. “But I like goober!” I weedled asthmatically. It was attractive. She relented a bit, perhaps I am more in touch with slang zeitgeist was the thinking, however I’ve since embargoed goober.

Goober, goober, goober, goober, goober, goober, goober, goober, goober, goober, goober, goober…

Oops, embargo repealed!

So, want to hear the story where I was worried I came off as a creepy goober? I think you do!

I had potential plans to hang out with someone I don’t know well however we’re both incredibly famous and exceedingly wonderful. He invited me to a thing and I couldn’t go to the thing so then maybe we were going to meet up the following day. He texted, “I’ll touch base with you tomorrow.” I quickly typed into my phone: “Not if I touch your base first.” And, here is the thing, I was sitting there staring at my own text thinking, “Don’t send this, it’s sending a message you aren’t intending to send.” And then I watched myself hit send, knowing this was quite possibly going to make things weird, because ultimately I was more in love with my dumb wordplay than anything else. Hence the question which I discussed with The 404, can girls be creepy?

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