My show very clearly needs opening titles/credits or whatever they’re called so this is something I made in iMovie earlier. I’m not happy with it, but I suppose it’s a start since I’ve never attempted to do this. If any of you are good at this stuff and want to try your hand, be my guest!
Author Archive | Alison Rosen
Tired of your boring box?
Check it out you guys. Thanks to something called SmokeStixx, you can now personalize/conceal your cigarette boxes so that instead of saying to the world, “Hi, I smoke!” you’re saying, “Hi, I smoke… and like tiaras.”
Or champagne:
Or something manly like a flaming skull! Scary!
But see, while I can’t condone smoking but I can condone stickers. In fact I condoned stickers as president of a sticker club when I was a child. We met in a cardboard box in my backyard. I’m not even making this up. But back to the subject at hand, do you think I want the world to know when I have my period?
I would festoon that shit with unicorns and then grab the box, clutch my stomach and whine loudly about my cramps and how men all suck. Then I’d start crying. No one would be the wiser!
Or what about this?
Like I want to broadcast to the world that I’m eating cheese? Like I want to put my cheese on shout? Excuse me, but a lady never tells.
Similarly, I would recommend personalizing your butter.
Why not disguise it as margarine? Wouldn’t that be a real hoot and a half? It would. So you see, it’s only your imagination that will limit your use of this product, so long as what you’re imagining fits in a small box. In fact—and this just occurred to me—you could disguise a rape kit as a cigarette box. Seriously you guys, I should be in R&D.
The Daily Alison (Bacon jam, hold the pants… with guest Joel Stein)
A few things: After this interview Joel Stein got in touch to say that with hindsight he would have changed his answer to apple butter. “The correct answer is mustard!” I yelled into the phone, even though he’d emailed me. Sometimes I do not know how to get through to that man. Also, here’s the article he mentioned where he took the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Test.
Oh and I think I said that he used to write for TIME but he very clearly still does write for TIME. I don’t know what to say for myself.
And lastly, if I were a wiz at audio editing I think I could have punched up the audio when he was talking to make for a more enjoyable listening experience however I’m not an audio editing wiz, nor even a video editing wiz. My expertise is limited to being delightful and having great hair. It’s a shame. If you happen to be one of the aforementioned wizzes though, do get in touch.
The Daily Alison (A note about why you'll see today's show tomorrow)
The Poo
As some of you may or may not know, there is an animal—at least I’m assuming it’s an animal, I suppose it could be an extremely uncouth tiny human—whose been squeezing under a fairly imposing iron gate and using the area in front of my front door as a toilet. This has happened thrice, this morning being the most recent incident. At first I thought it must be a dog but then I saw a black cat in the backyard. I broke a mirror and threw the shards over my left shoulder to offset the bad luck! Then I opened and closed an umbrella six times in my apartment and said an incantation. I’m now wondering if maybe it’s raccoon excrement because everyone knows cats don’t just relieve themselves out in the open. Oh and I threw the welcome mat which the animal had compromised away in an attempt to get rid of whatever smell is attracting the beast so today the animal just left a little gift right in the area where the mat used to be. It was a set of nautical themed coasters. Thoughtful, but doesn’t exactly make up for the shit.
The Daily Alison (Dating! Blog stalking! Sports! with guest Kelli Zink)
A deep thought about Mad Men
Have you ever seen those studies where a bunch of words are on a page but they’re missing the vowels or missing every third letter or missing all the letter inside the word or something but still it’s pretty easy to make out the meaning and the whole thing is to illustrate that we only need bits of information and our brains will fill in the rest?
I was thinking about this last night while watching Mad Men. I’m admittedly a latecomer to the show, but if I had to describe it in a word it’s elliptical. And then I started to think that I should try to describe all TV shows in one word and I should start a one-word review web site and then I realized that I’ll probably never do this and I’d rather spend time developing my brilliant cologne that comes in a cell phone shaped bottle called ConeXXXion idea. Don’t steal that idea, folks, unless you want to be a billionaire!
Anyway, most of the time while watching Mad Men I go back and forth between “huh?” and “what?” and yet I’m hooked. Probably more so than if I understood what I was watching.
And it’s probably silly not to mention Lost in this post however I’m silly, you guys!
(Joel Stein wrote a tweet that said “I am still watching Mad Men, but I am no longer understanding Mad Men”) which is what made me remember all this today. Although perhaps he meant it in a less literal sense. Hm.
About that show I did in Canada and a note about stand up
Here I am, totally unaware someone is taking a photo
It’s called Switch and it premieres tomorrow on TVTropolis at 9:30pm. I did six episodes and I’m not sure the order they’re airing them so I’m not sure if I’m in tomorrow’s episode. Here are more photos from the set.
Oh and a note about the Oct. 4 stand up gig at this year’s Funniest Reporter show. I thought it was at Gotham Comedy Club but it’s at Comic Strip Live. Write it on your hand!
The Daily Alison (Short and possibly sick)
Trader Joe's leaves me holding the bag
Ho, ho! Get it? Get my clever headline? It’s not that clever. Anyway.
Why is it that these taste better than eggs I make myself? Is it because they’re “hard cooked,” which sounds elegant and mysterious and kind of British as opposed to hard boiled which just sounds mundane? Is it because, if this bag of hard cooked eggs could speak it would say, “Hey asshole, you can make me at home for a fraction of the cost. That is, if you can bear the struggle of turning on a stove and peeling some shells. Now put me back in the boot of your car, mate.” Maybe.
But see, they have a rubbery texture that I actually like that I can’t achieve when I boil eggs at home. Plus boiling eggs on a stove leads to a farty smelling kitchen versus limiting the fart smell to a bag. They should really include that in their advertising.