Am I ruining the mystery?

I’ve decided that from now on when I do TV I’m going to post about the behind-the-scenes experience because television is magical and all sorts of important and exciting stuff happens which you may or may not be aware of and I’d like to build a bridge between you, the viewer, and me, an emissary of the enchanted land of television. Actually I don’t want to build a bridge between us, I want to be the bridge that connects you to TV. It’s a good thing that I’m not making any bridge jokes because that would be tasteless. I’m just saying more that television is an organ and you’re a pedunculated cyst and I’m the stem. That’s disgusting! Truly, I just made myself sick. For YOU.

So today I set the regular three alarms for 4:48am, 4:58am and 5:11am. Because I’m neurotic. I woke up on the intended second alarm (the first is so I can hit snooze and the last is just a safety precaution because if I were to sleep that late I’d be screwed). I got to the studio, drank a small cup of coffee and noted once again the dichotomy between makeup and hair people, who are generally exceedingly calm and soothing, and morning TV personalities, who are somewhat antic. I’m somewhere in between, but I like to make sure the first few words I speak aren’t on air because I want to eradicate any sleepy conversational clunkiness. For this reason if anyone asks me any questions before I go on air and I struggle to answer I take this as a slightly foreboding sign, especially when the questions are “hey, what’s going on” and “how are you?”
Then then hair and makeup people told me I was perfect exactly as I am and that if they were to touch me it would be gilding the lily and also unfair to everyone else so I said okay and was brought out to the set. Actually, that didn’t happen. Please read critically.

The segment went well. Michael and I wondered aloud what Yo-yo-ers should be called and then when we were talking about Home Movie Day he said that the footage we were looking at was Thomas Edison but I thought he said Thomas Jefferson which really didn’t make sense.

After the segment I drank another cup of coffee but I think the milk had turned or maybe the coffee had but anyway I quietly excused myself to throw it away in Conan’s trash can. I mean, not his personally, but the one across the hall by the entrance to his studio. I’m not sure why I did this since there were trash cans in the green room.

Then I sat around for awhile and then I changed into my walking home from TV clothes and walked home except for the part where I got lazy and took a cab.