As some of you may or may not know, there is an animal—at least I’m assuming it’s an animal, I suppose it could be an extremely uncouth tiny human—whose been squeezing under a fairly imposing iron gate and using the area in front of my front door as a toilet. This has happened thrice, this morning being the most recent incident. At first I thought it must be a dog but then I saw a black cat in the backyard. I broke a mirror and threw the shards over my left shoulder to offset the bad luck! Then I opened and closed an umbrella six times in my apartment and said an incantation. I’m now wondering if maybe it’s raccoon excrement because everyone knows cats don’t just relieve themselves out in the open. Oh and I threw the welcome mat which the animal had compromised away in an attempt to get rid of whatever smell is attracting the beast so today the animal just left a little gift right in the area where the mat used to be. It was a set of nautical themed coasters. Thoughtful, but doesn’t exactly make up for the shit.