I mentioned a cheap digital watch I use to time things in the last post. Here it is. Still accidentally set to wake me up at three am until the day I die.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Archive | April, 2009
Speaking of dogs, dawgs
While rifling through my nightstand drawer just now I smelled something which suddenly reminded me of the way Woofie, my first dog, used to smell. It’s sort of disturbing that a Woofie odor wafted out of my nightstand but it made me happy nonetheless.
In other news I’m home from doing Red Eye and I’m good but kind of strangely banged up feeling due to aforementioned armpit trauma plus a headache plus I cut my head on a spoon (it’s a long story, one I talked about on Red Eye. Ok fine it’s a short ridiculous story) and also I ate some eggplant and apparently I’m allergic to eggplant or something else in the dish because the inside of my mouth sat up and said howdy if by that you mean got all inflamed. So yeah, I’ve been better. On the upside, I’ve taken the makeup off which is always a pain in the heinie. Heiney? Hiney?
Also I have this cheap digital watch here on my desk that I was using to time my stand up set and somehow in the course of figuring out how to use the stopwatch feature I’ve set the alarm and I can’t figure out how to turn it off. I’m thinking I might take a hammer to it. Or put it in the freezer. Or just yell at it.
I'm on Red Eye tonight; dogs
Remember how I was going to be on tomorrow night? Well I’m on tonight! Yay!
Also: I’m closer and closer to actually getting a puppy if by closer and closer you mean still kind of far away but seriously thinking about it. What kind should I get? Let’s all weigh in because not only will it be helpful and fun, but who doesn’t like talking about dogs? Assholes, that’s who!
Anyway, I’m looking for a small dog (under 10 lbs) that isn’t a jerk and has a working knowledge of social media. Some experience with video editing a plus but not a requirement. Preferably this dog will have four legs and a face. I’m not averse to poodles. I’m just not, though I’m averse to giving them silly haircuts. I like puppies. I’m not looking exclusively for a purebred and I’d like to get a dog from a shelter so I can feel good about myself however I’m beginning to suspect that the cute little puppies get adopted in two seconds flat, meaning the dogs that I would want are going to have no problem getting adopted, and it’s the hulking pitbulls with ads like “adopt this sweet little girl!” that sit in the shelter for awhile and the whole thing just makes me sad and makes me think of that commercial where Sarah Mclachlan sings and they show dogs making puppy dog eyes and I always change the channel quickly because it makes me sad and reminds me of the time I stupidly watched a video of dogs being euthanized because I was writing an article on pets and anyway, I’m still haunted by it and try not to think about it. All that being said, I don’t want to adopt sweet little 85 lb Sadie whose owner surrendered her (“we don’t know why, she couldn’t be sweeter! she’s a rambunctious bundle of energy looking for a forever home with lots of discipline, love and no children or other pets.”)
What was I saying? Oh yeah, I don’t know. Dogs, puppies, Red Eye.
Oh and I think my pithy bon mots are in the current issue of Life & Style in the Slip-ups section. I haven’t seen it yet though.
Brooklyn, fruit, fish and fetishes. And Leonard Nimoy.
The second installment of my McSweeney's column!
I thought it wasn’t going to run for a couple weeks but look, here it is! Yay for me!
http://mcsweeneys.net/links/yourmoney/7column2.html
In other news I performed stand up twice this week in preparation for an upcoming audition. Am I innocent and naive and bumbling and lovable? Or am I knowing and sarcastic? This seems to be what I’m trying to determine. I have jokes which skew both ways and I’m worried the knowing ones are undermining the innocent bumbling ones. Hm. But aside from that it’s been pretty fun. And honestly, quite easy. Unless that makes me sound not grizzled and tortured enough in which case it’s been super painful and arduous. Grizzled? Huh?
Clinical trials and research studies I'd like to be a part of
Are you plagued by compliments? Are compliments ruining your life? Has anyone told you how fabulous you look today? Come to our offices and let us study the effects of around-the-clock compliments while also serving you your beverage of choice and letting you play with a puppy! You will be generously compensated for your time because you are important and also: beautiful!
Do you love The Facts of Life? Would you rather watch The Facts of Life than not watch The Facts of Life? We want to talk to you! Come to our research center and watch Facts of Life while we fan you with palm fronds and let you relieve yourself on a golden latrine. Free Fresca!
Do you long to frolic with fuzzy ducklings and then take naps? Come to our offices and play with ducks and then let us compliment you and style your hair and then take a nap on the comfortable bed of your choice.
Do you wish to fall asleep in the arms of an attractive witty man who raises ducklings and has an extensive library of Facts of Life? We want to study you! Research subjects will tire themselves out playing with ducklings and watching Facts of Life and then will take naps in the arms of attractive witty men who smell good.
Are you tired of cleaning your apartment and looking after yourself even though you’re an adult? Let us send you a personal assistant to do all that stuff you don’t feel like doing! Then we’ll study the effects of this by having you fill out a questionnaire made out of carbohydrates.
Do you wish every morning was Christmas? For one year we will recreate Christmas morning! You just show up and open gifts! Plus ducklings and diet soda! Egg nog on request.
wind and picnics and other stuff
1. Wondering about the wisdom of posting videos where I’m clearly not looking or sounding my best. To what degree am I letting it all hang out? Hm. Anyway, to anyone wondering: I am okay!
2. It’s windy as hell out there!
3. Do everyone’s hands stop working when they’re cold or is this just some special situation I’m encountering? A lady’s gotta text, you know, and I may as well have had paws instead of lady hands earlier.
4. Which would be fitting as I’m pretty sure this was happening.
5. A friend of mine has a habit of sending elliptical text messages and I think I’m supposed to then ask questions to get the details of the cryptic text. Usually they are embedded in other texts. I should add that I care about this person and like him and mean no disrespect by saying all this so when he reads this, sorry, but it must be said! Anyway, here is an example and this is fictionalized:
“Have to do some work today. In other news: I think I like romantic picnics.”
Now, as a friend and curious person I feel like I’m supposed to be like “did you go on a picnic? picnics? no way! with whom did you picnic? hm????” And then it’s like, look at me! All nosy with my picnic questions. And yet if I just don’t acknowledge the picnic statement then it’s like I’m purposefully not engaging. So I think I found a solution and I’m very tempted to send the following:
“I hear you about the work! Unrelated: I think I like buttsex.”
Alas, I didn’t really send this because I don’t have the 400 texts it would take to untangle it in me. But it would be funny if I had!
Q&A vlog
kinda blurry and sort of depressing!
If I drew cartoons for the New Yorker
If I drew cartoons for the New Yorker I’d draw one of someone saying that lately they’re having trouble getting out of bed in the morning but then the image would be someone in bed and there would be some actual physical impediment preventing them from getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe there would be a tiger sitting on them? I can’t figure out what it would be exactly but it would be very clever and also whimsical.
I think I won’t be sharing this one on Red Eye. It’s TOO GOOD. And by that I mean, not good enough.
Note: Click here for all the “If I drew cartoons” posts should you be wanting more background on all this.
New Red Eye dates and an adjustment to the 404 date
direct your eyes to the lower right, won’t you?