It’s as if Santa blew Christmas chunks all over a garden design center. But festive!
I love Christmas and the only thing I love more than Christmas is nothing. I’m happy to report that I just had my first fullblown holidaygasm of the season while standing in the kitchen thinking about Muppet Christmas Carol and cracking eggs into a bowl so I could make meringues which seems like a holidayish activity though I do it year round. Granted holidaygasm is a pretty crude term for what I mean—that visceral fluttering childlike excitement that comes from contemplating the impending season. I used to have the same feeling when I’d see the spinning “Special” letters on TV back in the old days when the world was simpler and I didn’t have this deadline hanging over me.
Oh, did I not mention? Yes, I have a deadline looming which means that everything I’m doing short of actually working on said project is both procrasturbatory (note: I didn’t invent this term) and beside the point. A quick inventory of the things I’ve done today which are beside the point? Wait, no! I will not! I will not spend time making a list when I could instead tell you that before repairing to the kitchen to think about Christmas I got up from my computer with a strange feeling of writerly satisfaction as if I’d actually accomplished something and yet I knew I hadn’t. And then I realized it’s because I was proud of a tweet. It’s upsetting on many levels.
But back to Christmas, I was standing there feeling overwhelmed and all woe is me ish and then I started thinking about how from here to New Year’s is pretty awesome and filled with twinkling lights and carols and holiday cookies with sparkling bits of colored sugar on them and holiday parties with eggnog and going to California and seeing my California friends and going to the mall where it’s all holidayish and everyone is pissed and angry and the lines are insanely long and you can’t find parking. I love that!
January soon begins to suck though because not only is it another 12 months till Christmas again but some kind of mischievous Christmas elves snuck into your closet while you were sleeping and replaced your jeans with ones that look identical—even down to that frosting stain—but are actually a couple sizes smaller. I’m probably going to have to start putting a lock on my closet. And then maybe I’ll even put my clothes in my closet instead of crumpled in a heap on an array of available surfaces. Sometimes I like to fling a garment so it creates something I refer to as a “clothing bridge” in that part of the item is on my bed and part of it is resting on a nearby table. It’s not a beginner move but I’ve been at this for a long time.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ok, back to work.
[A word about what I’m wearing: Sometimes I like to put on everything I get for Xmas as I get it, hence the necklace with tags. Also, I like to tie bows around my head as I’m opening. Also, I’m not wearing any makeup in these photos, and how!]
HOW I TAKE COUGH SYRUP
1) First I pour it in a spoon.
2) Next, I swallow it.
3) Then I freak out.
If you like festive seasonal crap then I am duty bound to tell you that now is the time of year that Celestial Seasonings puts out their special holiday themed teas. There’s Gingerbread Spice, Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride, Last Year’s Fruit Cake, Cranberry Frostbite and Fuck, Where’d I Put The Wrapping Paper. I may have made up those last three but the first two exist and I’m telling you, they are whimsy in a cup. Need more proof? I offer the following good cheer filled picture essay.
is not the word I’d use to describe the roof alarm which has been alarming since I got home a little while ago. When I first walked into my apartment I thought “hey, it’s not so loud in here,” but it’s slowly become louder and louder over the sound of me not wanting to hear it.