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I just glanced at my calendar and noticed today is Chinese New Year. I feel so embarrassed. It totally crept up on me again! I didn’t even make any Chinese New Year’s resolutions. Should you also be a Chinese New Year deadbeat like me, here are some options:

No more slipping trick fortunes into fortune cookies even though it’s really funny
Less lying to Jade Emperor (evasion is ok)
Party like it’s Year of the Ox!
Don’t party like it’s Year of the Ox!
Party like it’s Year of the Boar!
Quit living in the past.
Buy a pet ox
Buy a pair of oxen so they can play with each other
Make them carry your backpack to school because they are beasts of burden and will feel sort of listless if they aren’t give “work”
(Around the village I’m known as “The Oxen Whisperer”)
Refuse to be stuck in the ass of the dragon costume again no matter how much you get pressured
More lanterns!
Make your own lanterns out of crepe paper and dumpling skins
Hang the edible lanterns around your conversation pit and then pretend you don’t know where that smell is coming from
Build a conversation pit
Just say “shi” to the universe!

Well folks, it’s that time where if you haven’t resolved to do anything next year you’re probably feeling pretty anxious. Fear not, below is a cornucopeaiaeoyia of resolutions which will satisfy all your resolve-related needs. Choose one or a few. Mix and match. Use them to straighten your hair or dress a simple salad!

I resolve to:

Figure out how to spell cornucopia
Figure out how to pronounce oeuvre without sounding like a yak in heat or a pretentious Frenchman
Figure out how to best dress for my figure
Figure out how to dress a bust for an event where people are presenting busts
Dust off those busts of classical composers which are on the piano
Buy a piano and learn to play it
Figure out how to prepare pears so they look less pear-shaped
Quit being so shallow
Prepare pears in a shallow dish
Do something with a sitz bath, something fun!
Sponge bathe your Hummels
Just have fun with it!
Just put it out there!
Just do it!
Be the straw that stirs the drink!
Drink less!
Drink only through a straw
Drink only through a crazy straw!
Make your own crazy straws out of bee spit and whale baline
Donate your time to something important involving animals
Like mastering Buck Hunt!
Pull off a major heist
Pull off a caper
Have a baby in the bathroom at prom but for heaven sakes this time clean up after yourself!!!!!!
If you sprinkle when you have a baby in the public restroom please be neat and wipe the seat, you know?!?!?!?!
Read more historical fiction
Organize thimble collection and sell any you don’t love
Fill your pockets only with things you use or love, like old records, vintage furniture and persimmons
Paint your thumb green and then build a hot house
Paint your thumb hot and then build a greenhouse
Build a pillow fort and have your mail forwarded to it
Buy a paper shredder and start using it to shred important documents, like books, keys and passport
Take the stairs instead of the elevator
If there’s no elevator in your house refuse to take the stairs like some kind of commoner
Only eat donut holes, not donuts
Only eat corn nuts, not corn on the cob
Only eat candy corn but pretend you think it’s real corn
Refer to corn as “maize”

Thought so. I’m here to help. Also, to offer somewhat inedible meringues.

I resolve to:

Save money
Save coupons
Save the good towels for guests
Save my pride
Save face
Save a horse, ride a cowboy

Buy short
Buy long
Buy a loom and learn to weave
Buy a boat and learn to sail
Buy fancy stationary and revive the art of letter-writing
Buy a hermit crab
Buy a clue (here’s a quarter)

Drink only the finest Scotch
Drink only diet soda
Drink deeply from life’s rich bouquet
Drink deeply from life’s rich tapestry
Drink deeply from a garden hose
Buy a garden hose
Replace the word “drink” with “quaff” and don a cravat

Cancel cable and just download porn
Cancel porn and just watch Mad Men
Cancel both cable and internet connection and watch informercials

Name a goldfish Jesus
Name a goldfish Henry
Name your goldfish crackers and then freak out when people eat them

Learn a new language
Learn a dead language
Learn to speak English more better

Replace college-ruled paper with wide-ruled paper
Replace wide-ruled paper with college-ruled paper
Replace loose-leaf paper with actual printer paper you cheap ass

Put your junk in bonds
Put your bonds in junk
Put your money where your mouth is
Put your mouth where your money is (unless you’re a plumber)

Talk more about couches!
Talk less about couches!
Talk less in general
Talk less, listen more
Listen more to the sound of your own voice where “your” means “my”

Sleep like a baby
Sleep with the fishes
Sleep like a baby fish
Sleep with the baby fishes (shhhh! they’re sleeping)
Name all your sea monkeys
Teach your sea monkeys to do tricks like play tiny sea cymbals

Move your cheese
Move your ass
Hit it and quit it
Take a load off
Try not to sell any senate seats if you’re from Chicago

Dance like no one’s looking
Dance like a maniac maniac on the floor
Take up tap dancing AKA “the headache dance”
Buy a pair of toe shoes even though you aren’t at that point yet in your ballet lessons and don’t let those bitches at Capezio get you down (theoretically speaking)
wear a tutu
wear a threethree
wear a sixsixsix (Satan’s tutu)