Happy New Year everyone! Today is January 1st but my calendar still says December because my sister who is a lawyer didn’t take the time to make Tobey calendars for all of us this year. What a bitch, right? I guess she put work ahead of crafts or something. Fuck that noise, I say. I’m starting the year on a positive note and I can’t be brought down by these kind of maneuvers designed specifically to ruin my chances at happiness because that’s exactly what it is. Oh, you might think it was just a lack of time or lack of planning but no, I think she deliberately set out to make ME have a bad 2010 by purposefully not making ME a Tobey calendar. God, I have have a mind to never speak to her again. That’s how positive my attitude is starting January 1. I mean, I think it’s January 1 but I can’t be sure because, well, the calendar thing.
But anyway, it’s come to my attention that not all of you have resolutions and a man or woman without a new year’s resolution is like a dog without a 2010 calendar. Did I mention that I’m staring at December?
So if you don’t have a resolution, and really, why would you because you only had a year to think of one, here are some good general ones.
a) Keep on keeping on
b) Do it!
c) Just put it out there
d) Say Yes to the universe
e) Say Maybe to the universe
f) Say no to carbs
g) Say please and thank you
h) Charge money for sex
i) Put a portion of the proceeds you are charging for sex into an I.R.A. account
k) Sing a song
l) Dance as if no one’s watching
m) Hide in a tree and watch someone dance
n) I can see you; you’re doing it all wrong
o) Hips! Throw your hips into it!
p) There is a bird giving me the evil eye
q) Not to be confused with the eagle eye, which you could be forgiven for thinking, given these circumstances
r) The circumstances, for those who’ve lost track, are that I am in a tree which happens to have wifi and I’m watching you dance like no one’s looking, which is ironic since I’m right here, and also there is a bird staring me down
s) I’m going to be kind to him, for he may be somebody’s mother
t) lose that baby weight!
u) men, I’m talking to you!
v) quit drinking
w) jello shots don’t count because they’re gross
x) get a move on
y) get on the good foot
z) take it all off!