Tomorrow morning I’m going to a dentist for the first time in New York. Now I know what you’re thinking, that that’s hard to believe since I’ve lived here for over six years, but you see, while I’ve lived here for six years, my teeth only got here a year ago. Also, usually I just go to the dentist in California who also happens to be the dentist Will Ferrell trusts with his teeth (I just couldn’t bring myself to refer to them as his chompers, pearly whites, or ‘grill’.) I’ve never actually seen Will Ferrell or his brother, who I’m told also goes there as well as their mom, however I always ask how he’s doing or if he’s been in lately and they always tell me that he hasn’t but his mom or brother has and he’s doing well and very rich. That’s pretty much all I ever hear about him, just how really rich he is. Then the dentist comes in (up to this point I’ve been chatting with the hygienist), asks me if I’m still in school and I say I’ve been out of school for eleven years and how’re my gums? At the end they let me look at my teeth in a tooth shaped mirror and give me a free toothbrush with the name and address of the dentist embossed on the side. Does Will Ferrell also brush his teeth with this kind of cheapo personalized toothbrush? Don’t be silly! He brushes his teeth with a golden toothbrush made of mermaid hair. Sometimes while I’m there I ask to use the bathroom and they give me a key attached to a giant toothbrush! I mean we’re talking freakishly large. Do plastic surgeons attach keys to breast implants?
So anyway, I have a toothache in twenty nine. Lower right twenty nine. That’s tooth talk for one of the ones on the bottom. Sensitivity to cold? Check. Sensitivity to sweet, hot, loud noises, motion, a tiny gnome pounding my tooth with a small hammer? Not yet but I imagine it could happen. And so twenty nine and his friends and I will be repairing to a new dentist tomorrow. I’m reminded of the episode of Sesame Street where a llama went to the dentist which is really preposterous when you think about it. Although that would totally make tomorrow worth it if there were llamas in the waiting room with me.