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Weight loss tips and tricks

1. Steal a tip from the stars! Don’t eat for 5000 hours prior to a big event.

2. Donate a kidney. Fill body cavity with lettuce or baby spinach.

3. Going to a party? Stick your belongings in a pita and use it as a stylish clutch. If you get hungry, nibble on your handbag. Your fear of having nowhere to stash your stuff will prevent you from overeating. Or splurge and stuff your items into whole wheat ravioli. Who’s that headturner reaching for her cell phone in her pasta?

4. Another party trick: Only eat what can fit comfortably on a cocktail table.

5. Practice this mantra: “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels… except food.”

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Things you find when you're least looking

You know how they say you find love when you’re least looking? Here are some other things you find when you’re least looking:

movie stubs

lint

that you drove 20 minutes in the wrong direction

weird body hair

normal body hair

but who can really say what’s normal, you know?

a crumbly piece of paper you left in your jeans and put in the wash

that you ate a lot of grapes

pennies (note: not from heaven)

that thing you were looking for but don’t need anymore

pen caps

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Signs you've eaten a beach ball

stomach distended as if from ingestion of beach ball

friends invite you to beach with one caveat: no eating the beach ball this time

burps smell like latex

lunch was pizza and a beach ball

the beach ball is missing and you’re strangely full

someone bet you $100 bucks you couldn’t eat a beach ball. you’re holding $100!

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Problems I've yet to solve

I don’t know if my IQ drops by about 20 points when I’m at my parent’s house in Orange County or if I’m just tired from all the lying around but I’ve been sitting in this chair staring straight ahead for a while now and I’ve yet to solve any of the world’s problems.

Problems I’ve yet to solve:

Why are ducklings so cute?

Why do I have a headache?

Why is everyone saying Entourage was so sucky? (I thought it was pretty good last night)

Why do I gain 45 pounds every time I come to CA?

How did I get to be so wonderful?

What’s up with that?

How’s it going?

Where do I come up with these things?

No really, where

Why did I first want to write that my IQ drops about 20 “degrees”?

Am I actually going to make the phone calls I need to make or just keep thinking that I need to make phone calls?

Should I wear a sombrero to the party I’m going to tonight because I’m not loving my hair right now?

Or should I paint a very small mural on my forehead to distract from the hair?

Should I get up from this chair?

If there was some kind of device that would push me out of this chair would it be a chair lift? But not the skiing kind of chair lift, just another chair lift? I could get behind that.

So you see, I’m getting a LOT of stuff accomplished over here.

In other news, I think I may have written two not-very-funny jokes last night. Although they’re obvious enough that I can’t believe I’m the first to think of them. Yet unfunny enough that I don’t think I’ve heard them before. Shall we?

Q: What did the drug dealer say to the junkie?

A: “You gotta get right back on the horse.”

Another one? Ok:

Q: Why was everyone mad at the junkie?

A: He kept talkin’ smack.

Get it? I don’t know why my jokes are heroin based, by the way. I didn’t even eat poppy seed muffins or anything!

I suppose I should take a shower since I have to be somewhere in many hours.

Ok then.

Also, I’m having that neither here nor there feeling I often get when I’m neither here nor there. Like, I could easily stay out here longer and that would be fun. And yet I know my life is in NYC and so I should go back. But it’s so easy here except for the way everyone’s always throwing avocados at you and trying to get you to have plastic surgery. “No more implants!” I yelled, as an avocado went whizzing past my new nose. It was scary and yet exhilarating. In New York they just throw metrocards at you. Also, before I came out here I was in a huge screaming rush and so I left my apartment in disarray. I’m not looking forward to going back to the way I left it although thankfully I filled the ground with a couple feet water, plugged the holes, and released a few Koi in there because I find tropical fish relaxing. I just hope my neighbor remembers to feed them through the window.

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Things you would be surprised to know because I made them up

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s techno

You know the Ziploc commercial with the tiger who can’t smell the food? It took them months to complete the commercial because the tiger kept eating the sound guy!

Only assholes use three pronged forks

You can tell a lot about a person by which side they part their hair on

Parallel parking accounts for one-fifth of all parking

The “i” in iPhone stands for imaginary

A remake of Silver Spoons was in the works for years but ultimately didn’t happen because they couldn’t get Alphonso Ribiero to sign on

In a pinch, Bibb lettuce can be used as a bibb

Judy Blume is working on a sequel to Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret called Hey Margaret, What’s Up? She’s also considering calling it ‘Sup, Margaret?

Ice skating is twice as popular as roller skating but three times more deadly than just watching TV

Diet soda is responsible for twenty percent of all burps

Fear of clowns is called Bozophobia

Five-sixths of all people who respond to the question “Know what I mean?” in the affirmative actually have no idea what you mean

Jumping Jacks are named after a really jumpy guy named, you guessed it: Barry

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What I've been up to

What have I been doing since we last talked? Allow me to regale you with a list because I’ve been doing so much that the English language is barely sufficient to capture it all and I may have to snargle blarg snarf gleen!

1. Going to Balboa Island with my mom and Tobey and meeting all sorts of kids because Tobey is popular with children in a way that I never was, even when I was a child.

2. Looking these kids in they eye and saying things like, “I don’t want to freak you out but let me ask you a question, if I were your age do you think you would have liked me? Why or why not?”

3. Rolling my eyes and saying to the parents, “Looks like you’re raising a real winner there.”

4. Getting my hair straightened not with actual chocolate but with chocolate scented carcinogens.

5. Hush my mouth I shouldn’t even joke about that!

6. Bite my tongue I shouldn’t even hush my mouth about that!

7. Hold the phone I shouldn’t be biting my hushed mouth about that!

8. Pump the brakes who’s on the phone right now?

9. Keep your pants on and answer the car phone!

10. I wrote bants my mistake. Bants is funny. Nice bants!

11. You came in here like a bant out of hell.

12. By that I mean you were like a little pair of pants that hang upside down and flap around.

13. Oh also a friend and I invented a small squirrel named Mr. Pickles who craps in his diaper when he’s angry. It’s a special cinco de mayo diaper. I can’t really take credit for it, I just went along with it as I was too busy ducking the bants.

14. I went to a bday party for a 9 year old and saw a whole bunch of friends and then gave birth to my own 9 year old and also played Ms. Pacman.

15. Rubbed the side of my nostril at dinner because I had that uncomfortable pre-zit feeling and then my friend Trevor who I referred to in the last post and who wasn’t only my prom date but is one of my best friends grabbed my hand and said, “stop.” But was he saying that because he thought I was actually sitting at the table picking my nose? Because I wasn’t. This was a strictly superficial nostril massage, the kind that screams “appropriate for fine dining.”

16. Not that I really want to go into the intricacies of zits here but have you noticed how some seem to take forever to do their thing but then others are speedy? I felt an oncoming zit that night and by this morning it’s already sent me a card thanking me for allowing it to spend the night on my face. That’s better than some guys!

17. That was a terrible joke, I’m sorry.

18. Yeah so at dinner the seafood tower arrived and unfortunately it was just some stuff on ice which ruled out playing Jenga with it, which I kind of wanted to do. The crab came in a little terrine of dry ice so naturally my dad leaned forward and inhaled some dry ice and then blew it back out in a way designed to get as much attention as possible. The part where he motioned to the waiter and then did it and then smiled? Apparently the waiter was entertained, as were the entire table of people next to us however I turned right back into a high schooler and said “DAD!” and then tried to make my body as small as possible and hide behind the table cloth. The adult part of me said, “Wait, can you blow dry ice rings?” (Answer? No, only dry ice puffs.) I didn’t ask about dry ice French inhaling because I didn’t want my dad to hurt himself.

19. Not that I’m beyond reproach. I totally turned into an asshole and got all picky about which table we sat at.

20. I pretty much only turn into an asshole around my parents and around my birthday.

21. I wrote some jokes.

22. Oh, so I’ve been bad about scanning and uploading all of this but I’ve been doing the celeb slip ups in Life & Style every week so if you’re near a Life & Style, grab that shit.

23. What else have I been doing?

24. Um… I went to the tide pools and walked around with my friend and her daughter and then we went to her house and I almost played Uno but I didn’t. They had an automatic card shuffler. Remember when I was trying to teach myself fancy card shuffling?

25. I gained 35 pounds give or take 35 pounds.

26. I slept under a keyboard.

27. I went shopping even though I hate shopping.

28. Ok so it wasn’t exactly sleeping under a keyboard but sleeping near a keyboard and then waking up almost under it.

29. Thought about how I haven’t twittered enough while also trying to explain twitter to people here which is never a very satisfactory conversation to have.

30. Went to a crazy Cinco de Mayo party on Cinco de Mayo.

31. Swallowed wrong and coughed a lot. That just happened and now my throat feels irritated and my eyes are wet and my paws are cold and I’m not holding my tail up. Also my coat isn’t glistening. I hope it’s not parvo.

32. Or kennel cough. I definitely don’t want kennel cough.

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hobbies, a list, a blog, a new column

Hey bunions. Is that the first time I’ve addressed you by your chosen handle? I think it might be. Anyway, I’m in California where I’m feeling a little sorry for myself because it’s my new favorite hobby right behind water yoga and archeology. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Oh yeah, if you’re so into archeology then how come you never talk about going on archaeological digs?” Well first of all, some of the digs I go on are top secret and second of all, it’s very hard to get internet service when you’re in a gigantic ditch. Oh, look what I found here, a postcard I meant to send you from the last dig I went on. Want to know what it says? I’ll transcribe it. It says:

“Hey you guys. I’m on an archaeological dig! Don’t try to find me because I’m totally on a dig right now!”

See? So can we please just let it go?

Okay, so let’s get to the meat of all this.

1. Dustin has a blog which he’s been quietly working on but I’m sick of all this quietude. Go read his stuff! He’s been reviewing films and actually watching them first. What a traitor http://www.dustingoot.blogspot.com.

2. I won five bucks in Vegas! Five clams! Five smackaroons! Five big ones! Five dollars!

3. Tobey is as cute as ever.

4. See, I thought it would be super duper fun to have a layover in Las Vegas. It really wasn’t. I gambled for about ten minutes and then sat at the gate and fantasized about what I’m going to spend my winnings on. Probably a dream house and a sports car.

5. The flight from Las Vegas to Long Beach was delightful though because it was pretty empty. As much as I like people, which isn’t very much, it’s great when there aren’t very many of them on a flight.

6. Tobey does this thing where he stands on his back legs and kind of pumps his front paws up and down in the air. He should get a job at Hot Dog on a Stick if those are still around!

7. I’m just kind of confused and a little down and just like, “What am I doing with my life and who am I and what’s going on and given how freakishly gorgeous I am, am I living up to my beauty potential? When I stare into the mirror and only I stare back, is that selfish of me? Is there some way to give all the needy people in the world mirrors where when they look in, they see themselves but also me? Perhaps me giving a thumbs up sign?”

8. I imagine you probably don’t understand what I’m talking about since it’s very metaphysical and also something which probably only occurs to the top one point one one one point three point twelve point nine percentile of the population.

9. My parents have a great coffee maker. I’m in love with their coffee maker. I’ve made like thirteen cups of coffee with it in the last hour. Now I’m shaking and I think I might throw up. The coffee is that good.

10. Not really. I only had three cups.

11. And four red bulls.

12. And half of a five hour energy supplement.

13. Is my new McSweeney’s column up yet? I’m going to go check.

14. It is! I totally thought it wasn’t going to be! But it is: http://mcsweeneys.net/links/yourmoney/29column3.html

15. Maybe I should take a shower.

16. Nah.

17. I have some photos I should upload but I’m too lazy right now.

18. But I still love you guys.

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Things to do on 4/20 if you don't smoke pot or celebrate Hitler's bday

1. Eat an appropriate amount of Doritos
2. Hang out with your Jewish friends
3. Not buy Visine
4. Remember what you were about to say
5. Not make surreptitious calls to Argentina
6. What’s hackysack?
7. Not clean up bongwater
8. Not cut into a delicious swasticake
9. Ok I give up, these are all just going to be “not” things now
10. Not speak in German
11. I mean really, you’d think I would be able to turn them around so they could be actions
12. Not goosestep
13. Not say “this soap smells funny and feels weird”
14. Not run out of corn nuts
15. I mean, this is hardly funny anymore. It’s just… predictable
16. Assemble without a lookout, not in a bunker
17. I hate myself
18. Not watch Discovery Channel

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wind and picnics and other stuff

1. Wondering about the wisdom of posting videos where I’m clearly not looking or sounding my best. To what degree am I letting it all hang out? Hm. Anyway, to anyone wondering: I am okay!

2. It’s windy as hell out there!

3. Do everyone’s hands stop working when they’re cold or is this just some special situation I’m encountering? A lady’s gotta text, you know, and I may as well have had paws instead of lady hands earlier.

4. Which would be fitting as I’m pretty sure this was happening.

5. A friend of mine has a habit of sending elliptical text messages and I think I’m supposed to then ask questions to get the details of the cryptic text. Usually they are embedded in other texts. I should add that I care about this person and like him and mean no disrespect by saying all this so when he reads this, sorry, but it must be said! Anyway, here is an example and this is fictionalized:

“Have to do some work today. In other news: I think I like romantic picnics.”

Now, as a friend and curious person I feel like I’m supposed to be like “did you go on a picnic? picnics? no way! with whom did you picnic? hm????” And then it’s like, look at me! All nosy with my picnic questions. And yet if I just don’t acknowledge the picnic statement then it’s like I’m purposefully not engaging. So I think I found a solution and I’m very tempted to send the following:

“I hear you about the work! Unrelated: I think I like buttsex.”

Alas, I didn’t really send this because I don’t have the 400 texts it would take to untangle it in me. But it would be funny if I had!

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Fine until you asked me

1. So the guy who works at the grocery store/deli I frequent has taken to greeting me with, “How are you feeling today?” I don’t know the correct response to this. Usually I kind of pause, confused, and say, “Fine?” and then glance at him with a sort of quizzical suspicious look as he’s walking away. Somehow I doubt this is the expected response. So maybe I should just go with it and say “better, thanks!” as if at some point I wasn’t feeling well and discussed this with him? I mean, that never happened, but I could imagine an alternate universe where it might have. Or maybe he think I’m suffering some kind of debilitating something or other? Something or other for which the prescription is bell peppers? Should I affect a cough next time, as if my imaginary condition has worsened? Or maybe I’ll just be upfront next time and tell him that I had some weird dreams and woke up feeling kind of aimless and so I went on a long walk to try to clear my head which worked except for moments of self-doubt which are probably being brought on by the fact that my birthday is coming up which always throws me into a semi-depression as I take stock of everything but that really it’s no big thing? And that I can’t say dating hasn’t been sort of bumpy of late and I guess that’s also to be expected but hey, I’m no spring chicken and what am I doing with my life and yet I don’t even feel like a real grownup some of the time? And that it dawned on me today that it’s easier not to make messes than to clean them up after you’ve made them and yet I think people prone to making messes and then relying on their ability to clean them up which is always possible but usually more damaging and takes longer than you would hope, are people who think that they need to LIVE more and need to experience more and so they keep making messes when really what they need to experience is self-control a little more and I’m talking about myself here. Maybe it’s a late bloomer kind of thing? And also I bought diet root beer but don’t really like it? Yeah, I’m going with that.

2. Also, as I was walking down the street I was running through my stand up act in my head and moving bits of it around and at one point I looked up and saw two kids looking at me in semi-horror and I realized that a gamut of expressions had been flashing across my face as I’d been mumbling to myself. Maybe crazy people are just running through their stand up acts? I think it should be considered.

3. Wendy has a fancy new blog. So does Natali. So does Anna.

4. So one of the nightmares was that I gave a large chunk of money to charity and in the dream I realized I couldn’t afford to give that much to charity and I was freaking out and was going to have to leave New York probably and my parents were telling me I’d have to just get the money back but I didn’t think I’d be able to. I woke up all panicked and then felt relieved to realize it was just a dream and I didn’t in fact help the less fortunate in any discernible way. Phew!

5. A fair amount of perverts and weirdos have decided to leave comments lately or just contact me directly, often on youtube. It’s AWESOME!

6. It’s not awesome.

7. Um… do I have anything else to say?

8. Oh yes, I need to buy a rug for my living room. What color should I get?

9. Last night I was in need of a chuckle and so I told myself some jokes and then took to the web. What web sites do you guys go to when you want to read something funny or be entertained? Other than this one, I mean.

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