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Big news!

I’ve decided I’m going to start blogging more.

Here are some things I might blog about:



Why I didn’t freeze my eggs

The fact that all three of those are kind of the same but I’m trying to make this list look longer




Fuck, is it only shit involving my lady bits?

How I feel about the events of this year and how I both wish I said more, sooner, and yet also wish I never said anything at all.

But I am a graceful, classy and refined lady.

Farts and poop.


Dignified, really.

I really need to pee.


Ok then.

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Look at all this crap

As I begin the arduous process of packing up my apartment and determining what  goes with me to California and what stays behind to get tossed, donated or sold, I’m faced with the daunting task of figuring out what to do with the following:

my football phone

a collection of twist ties from loaves of bread

A Franklin Mint collector’s plate of “Scarlet and Her Suitors”

A small sculpture of a labradoodle made entirely of raisins

A large sculpture of a labradoodle made entirely of raisins

Franklin, from the Franklin Mint



my collection of blood oranges

various zithers and lutes

1 autoharp

1 manual harp

assorted pairs of corduroy pants in men’s extra large

hair bows

bow ties

a well-worn scirocco

a gently-used scirocco

a brand  new scirocco

a pile of parking tickets

18 remote controls

19 appliances

600 batteries

15 million roles of Kodak film

14 billion calligraphy pen ink cartridges

a rain forest

five footballs fields filled with sports fans

a banana (ripe)

clown shoes (matching pair, scuffed)

beef jerky

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A list because you love lists

So I’m back in New York after six intense weeks of Marvin care and I have so many things to say it’s making it hard for me to say anything. This is a hazard when you’re a blogger who is known for sharing the details of your life. Also when you’re known for being achingly beautiful. I’m telling you, spending nights in the hospital did my complexion no favors. And that delicious hospital cafeteria food went straight to my hips. I think I should make a list of things I need to tell you:

1) I trust you’re all coming to see me Thursday in News Distillery at the 92Y. Here’s a story about Faith Salie that mentions it if you want more info which you probably do because you’re so like that.

2) I’m really proud of the ARIYNBF shows I put on in CA and I’m glad I did that even though at times it was hard.

3) Perhaps you’re reading this and you’re new to me and you’re wondering what I’m talking about.

4) Soon I will be able to speak about it, I think, but for now I have to be all vague and elliptical but here’s what you can know: one of my family members whom I’ve named “Marvin” was just diagnosed with something no one wants and so I’ve been helping out.

5) Not crabs, though no one wants them.

6) Or Jordan almonds.

7) Before the Mad Men premiere I kept wanting to write a list of “Mad Men inspired drinking games by someone who doesn’t watch Mad Men and doesn’t understand drinking games.” That person isn’t me, of course, since I watch Mad Men and love to drink till I puke.

8) It would be a persona. A device. A trope, if you will.

9) You won’t.

10) By the way, I don’t actually love to drink till I puke. In fact I seldom drink these days which is all part of the way I don’t have fun and am letting life pass me by.

11) woe = me

12) I’m actually tired of the Goldenrod Footbridge. Can you believe it?

13) In the past going home to CA was taking a break however a few days before I returned to New York it was suggested to me that I should return if for no other reason than I clearly needed a break and needed to get strong again before coming back to CA. This idea that New York is now the place I go when I need a break is doing all sorts of funky things in my head.

14) Specifically it’s doing the electric slide.

15) “A Marvin being sick marks the true end of childhood,” said a therapist.

16) Or maybe she said, “A Marvin being sick truly marks the end of childhood.”

17) Well, you get the point.

17.5) Not MY therapist! What use would I have for therapy? My brain is perfection and my emotions are a thing of beauty and my thoughts conform to the Platonic ideal of thoughts and my feelings are so appropriate you only WISH you had my feelings.

18) It’s hot in New York. I kind of hate that.

19) True Blood is now my favorite distraction and I’m sad I’m all caught up.

20) Also? I’ve been cheating on Splenda with Truvia. Just a little though.

21) I miss Tobey.

22) Congrats to Natali Del Conte on the birth of her baby boy!

23) Thank you all for the encouraging words you’ve sent my way.

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Things one can be on






a tear

a bender

a trampoline

a deserted island

a billboard

a harpoon

a pedestal

a boat


a fast track to hell

a collision course

the road to hell

a suicide mission

a sun dappled beach surrounded by golden retriever puppies

“the rag” (women only)

deck (seafarers only)

the ball

a cracker



a bed of arugula (fancy food only)

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I have some emotions. I'm going to share them.

So I just lost something that I sort of had but sort of never had and I’m going to be vague about what it was however I’m not enjoying these feelings I’m having. Feelings I’d rather enjoy?






NOT antsyness unless it’s the kind associated with being very excited to go to an amusement park




Parakeets (or budgies)**

Certain smells

Those are the feelings I enjoy feeling. The rest can take a hike.

*Quinine? That really has no place on a list of emotions.

** Honestly, I prefer cockatiels.

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Nip slips and other slips

Was thinking tonight about wardrobe malfunctions and the “nip slip” and then thinking about some other unfortunate slips:

Chip slip: when you’re eating a chip and it falls out of your mouth while you’re talking. Not to be confused with the similar sounding…

Dip slip: this is when you stick a chip in dip and the dip is so thick the act of attempting to scoop some up on your chip causes you to lose your balance and hit the ground.

Slip slip: this is when a small boat pops out of your blouse. Embarrassing!

Pip slip: this is when a small Dickensian orphan pops out of your blouse. Mortifying!

Zip slip: this is when you’re ziplining and forget to wear underwear

Trip slip: this is when you’ve taken a secret vacation and you accidentally mention it

Rip slip: this is when you fart and then fall over

Sip slip: this is when you take a sip of a beverage and get it all over your shirt

Grip slip: this is when you go to do a fancy handshake with someone but you just moisturized your hands Nip

Tip slip: this is when you go to put a couple dollars in the tip jar and accidentally lose your footing and get pregnant

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In need of a resolution?

Happy New Year everyone! Today is January 1st but my calendar still says December because my sister who is a lawyer didn’t take the time to make Tobey calendars for all of us this year. What a bitch, right? I guess she put work ahead of crafts or something. Fuck that noise, I say. I’m starting the year on a positive note and I can’t be brought down by these kind of maneuvers designed specifically to ruin my chances at happiness because that’s exactly what it is. Oh, you might think it was just a lack of time or lack of planning but no, I think she deliberately set out to make ME have a bad 2010 by purposefully not making ME a Tobey calendar. God, I have have a mind to never speak to her again. That’s how positive my attitude is starting January 1. I mean, I think it’s January 1 but I can’t be sure because, well, the calendar thing.

But anyway, it’s come to my attention that not all of you have resolutions and a man or woman without a new year’s resolution is like a dog without a 2010 calendar. Did I mention that I’m staring at December?

So if you don’t have a resolution, and really, why would you because you only had a year to think of one, here are some good general ones.

a) Keep on keeping on

b) Do it!

c) Just put it out there

d) Say Yes to the universe

e) Say Maybe to the universe

f) Say no to carbs

g) Say please and thank you

h) Charge money for sex

i) Put a portion of the proceeds you are charging for sex into an I.R.A. account

j) Sing

k) Sing a song

l) Dance as if no one’s watching

m) Hide in a tree and watch someone dance

n) I can see you; you’re doing it all wrong

o) Hips! Throw your hips into it!

p) There is a bird giving me the evil eye

q) Not to be confused with the eagle eye, which you could be forgiven for thinking, given these circumstances

r) The circumstances, for those who’ve lost track, are that I am in a tree which happens to have wifi and I’m watching you dance like no one’s looking, which is ironic since I’m right here, and also there is a bird staring me down

s) I’m going to be kind to him, for he may be somebody’s mother

t) lose that baby weight!

u) men, I’m talking to you!

v) quit drinking

w) jello shots don’t count because they’re gross

x) get a move on

y) get on the good foot

z) take it all off!

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New Blog Column: My New Thing (plus other stuff)

As a tireless historian of my own antics I’ve decided to start a new blog column called My New Thing wherein I document my various activities as one would a toddler’s. So for example:

My New Thing: Waking up really early and moving to the couch and falling asleep there for a few hours.

My Old Thing: Frottage

In other news, this new hand lotion I’m using smells kind of like a diaper. Perhaps one day soon smelling like a diaper can be my new thing?

And in other other news, I have an audition tomorrow morning for something I really hope I get unless the casting director is reading this in which case, hey, no big deal, easy come easy go. Unless a more passionate attitude is in order in which case I’d totally trade my left diaper hand for this role. Or something.

And in other other other news, I’d like to tell you all about what happened when I blew my nose this morning however even I am going to draw the line at snot. (Drawing the line at snot is my new thing.)

And in other other other other news, I didn’t make it to Dustin’s pig roast yesterday because I’m a bad friend who cannot shake the lingering effects of this swine flu and I didn’t want to get reinfected by the guest of  honor (the pig, not Dustin). I’m thinking of changing my email signature to, “Just so you know, eventually I’m going to disappoint you.” What do you think? Catchy, right?

In other other other other other news, I’m flying to CA tomorrow after the audition.

In other other other other other other news, I wrote a tweet wherein I said “Newtons, go fig or go home” which was really just because I wanted to make the pun. I later came clean regarding my fundamental okayness with various Newton flavors. Then I started thinking of more puns:

Sausage? Go pig or go home.

Archeology? Go dig or go home.

Stage lights? Go Klieg or go home.

Sticks? Go twig or go home.

Irish dancing? Go jig or go home.

I think you can see where that’s going.

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Million dollar yogurt idea

I’ve been thinking a lot about how there are antibiotics, which are good for you according to doctors, and there are things which are probiotic, which are good for you according to people who hawk yogurt.

But see my whole life I’ve grown up with an awareness of antibiotics but this probiotic thing is something new and flashy and it sounds more like marketing than science.

So I was thinking that maybe everything anti should also have a pro version? For example:








Naturally all of these will be sold in yogurt, so if you are any sort of yogurt proprietor (or antiprietor)  you should make room on your shelf!

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