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Archive | I love myself

New Blog Column: My New Thing (plus other stuff)

As a tireless historian of my own antics I’ve decided to start a new blog column called My New Thing wherein I document my various activities as one would a toddler’s. So for example:

My New Thing: Waking up really early and moving to the couch and falling asleep there for a few hours.

My Old Thing: Frottage

In other news, this new hand lotion I’m using smells kind of like a diaper. Perhaps one day soon smelling like a diaper can be my new thing?

And in other other news, I have an audition tomorrow morning for something I really hope I get unless the casting director is reading this in which case, hey, no big deal, easy come easy go. Unless a more passionate attitude is in order in which case I’d totally trade my left diaper hand for this role. Or something.

And in other other other news, I’d like to tell you all about what happened when I blew my nose this morning however even I am going to draw the line at snot. (Drawing the line at snot is my new thing.)

And in other other other other news, I didn’t make it to Dustin’s pig roast yesterday because I’m a bad friend who cannot shake the lingering effects of this swine flu and I didn’t want to get reinfected by the guest of  honor (the pig, not Dustin). I’m thinking of changing my email signature to, “Just so you know, eventually I’m going to disappoint you.” What do you think? Catchy, right?

In other other other other other news, I’m flying to CA tomorrow after the audition.

In other other other other other other news, I wrote a tweet wherein I said “Newtons, go fig or go home” which was really just because I wanted to make the pun. I later came clean regarding my fundamental okayness with various Newton flavors. Then I started thinking of more puns:

Sausage? Go pig or go home.

Archeology? Go dig or go home.

Stage lights? Go Klieg or go home.

Sticks? Go twig or go home.

Irish dancing? Go jig or go home.

I think you can see where that’s going.

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Things I would rather do than clean my room

1. Stare at the mess

2. Write a blog post in list form

c. Entertain myself by going back and forth between numbers and letters

IV. Okay, now that’s going too far.

V. I said too far. Roman numeral humor is only funny to marble statues.

6. Listen to music (New Pornographers right now)

7. But I could totally clean while listening to music. That was the original plan.

8. To be fair, I did clean off my desk.

9. But some of it just got relocated to my bed.

10. Did I ever tell you that after college I slept for a number of months on a bed with a drawer full of crap sitting on one corner of the bed? It’s because we took the drawer out of the desk to make room for a filing cabinet or something, and didn’t have anywhere to put the drawer, so I set it on the bed and just learned to work around it. Also, at this time I had one of those wooden duck phones a la Silver Spoons that quacked when it rang—also its eyes lit up— but it didn’t sound like a duck. It sounded like Satan. It was really terrible. Anyway, I remember I was talking on the duck phone, sitting on the bed with the drawer nearby, setting up an interview for Rolling Stone or something and anyway I remember Wendy visited me that day and she said “Do you think anyone, when they’re talking to you, pictures you working in this environment?”

11. Okay, she didn’t say “environment” but that was the gist. And no, I don’t think they realized. I also don’t think people knew how young I was when I started. Except that I was really nice/eager, which gets beaten out of you quick.

12. Not me, I’m still nice/eager, except when I’m a total hardened bitch, but I mean, it gets beaten out of you.

13. No drawer on my bed today though. So you see: progress.

14. I’ve been in better moods.

15. I’ve also been in worse.

16. I have a lot of cords. And a lot of little thingies that I doubt I’ll ever use. Like do I need these various international plugs for my blackberry charger? I don’t think so. But it’s not like I can just throw them out, you know? Because you know what happens when you throw them out? You wake up in Paris without a cell phone cursing the last time you cleaned your room. Not making THAT mistake again.

17. I met Mo Rocca this morning. I was having a breakfast meeting, because that’s how I do, and the guy I was meeting knew Mo Rocca and anyway I was introduced and I said “I’m a fan,” because I am, and Mo seemed genuinely touched at my fandom. At my fanship? It’s interesting because were I Mo I would probably say something like “As well you should be” or something equally obnoxious.

18. Actually, that’s not true. Sometimes I say stuff like “Oh my Gosh, thanks!” but then this one time I got trapped at a party by someone who told me I was funny and I said “Oh my Gosh, thanks!” and then the person was like “what, are you surprised to find out you’re funny? you sound like you don’t think you are!”

19. It was an aggressive sort of complementary encounter.

20. I know I’m funny.

21. Perhaps not in this list.

22. The music stopped.

23. Mess still messy.

24. But I do feel we’ve gotten to know each other a bit better.

25. Don’t you?

26. Sorry, can’t hear you, thinking about myself again.

27. My sister had a barking dog phone, which also didn’t sound like a dog. When the phone rang in that house, it sounded like the caterwauling of the undead.

28. If the undead sounded vaguely like a dog and a duck.

29. The title of this post makes me sound 14.

30. Which is cool. Young is in.

31. Okay, I should really find new procrastination music.

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Appliance interruptus

I woke up this morning sleep-blogging, or rather sleep-storming, or rather thinking about fodder for a potential blog post which struck me as brilliant in my not-awake state. It would have looked like this:

Very Specific Reassurances

1. They can’t vacuum forever.

2. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (this is where I fell back asleep again)

Sadly I can’t see the appeal of this list beyond people whose upstairs neighbors vacuum for what seems like forever early in the morning.

In other news, I added to the list of articles I wrote recently and list of articles I wrote long ago (on the right side of this blog). It really breaks down to stuff I wrote for Time Out New York and stuff I wrote for the OC Weekly, so maybe some day I’ll change the way it’s labeled. The TONY stuff shows more restraint, but overall the OC Weekly stuff is probably more fun to read—arguably more creative—and I don’t quite know why that is. That’s not true actually, I do know why it is, but I’m still unsettled by it.

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Recent Red Eye shots

I sat in the seat that Ann Coulter was in moments before. I was going to make some kind of “oh, so this is where you stick all us skinny conservative women” joke but then didn’t find an opening that made sense. Instead I made a tasteful Michael Hutchence joke. It was necessary though. And quite topical.

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