Are you plagued by compliments? Are compliments ruining your life? Has anyone told you how fabulous you look today? Come to our offices and let us study the effects of around-the-clock compliments while also serving you your beverage of choice and letting you play with a puppy! You will be generously compensated for your time because you are important and also: beautiful!
Do you love The Facts of Life? Would you rather watch The Facts of Life than not watch The Facts of Life? We want to talk to you! Come to our research center and watch Facts of Life while we fan you with palm fronds and let you relieve yourself on a golden latrine. Free Fresca!
Do you long to frolic with fuzzy ducklings and then take naps? Come to our offices and play with ducks and then let us compliment you and style your hair and then take a nap on the comfortable bed of your choice.
Do you wish to fall asleep in the arms of an attractive witty man who raises ducklings and has an extensive library of Facts of Life? We want to study you! Research subjects will tire themselves out playing with ducklings and watching Facts of Life and then will take naps in the arms of attractive witty men who smell good.
Are you tired of cleaning your apartment and looking after yourself even though you’re an adult? Let us send you a personal assistant to do all that stuff you don’t feel like doing! Then we’ll study the effects of this by having you fill out a questionnaire made out of carbohydrates.
Do you wish every morning was Christmas? For one year we will recreate Christmas morning! You just show up and open gifts! Plus ducklings and diet soda! Egg nog on request.
A wise chicken doesn’t cackle until she lays an egg or something, but that’s not my style and plus if I were a chicken I’d much rather be the kind that plays piano. Probably something light, like Debussy. I know what you’re thinking: Do I take tips? Yes I do. I refer you to the tip jar on the side of my baby grand. They wanted to get me a concert grand since I’m performing at a pretty big concert hall however I explained that I wasn’t the biggest chicken (I actually said I wasn’t the biggest “cock on the walk” and we all had a good laugh at that) and therefore a concert grand would be using a hatchet to remove a fly from my friend’s beak.
I mean, I want the main thing you notice on that stage to be me and my amazing plumage first, then my romantic (and I mean that in the Platonic sense of the word) and moving playing, and then the light show and then you are free to notice the piano. And the tip jar. Please notice that. But I mean, I don’t want to be upstaged by my instrument.
But back to the tip jar. If you aren’t able to ascend the steps at Carnegie Hall (yes, that’s where I’m performing the works of Debussy) then we’re sending a collection plate out into the crowd.
What’s that? There aren’t any steps? I simply flap my wings and fly over the orchestra pit to get to the stage but I don’t really know how it would work for you. And I know what you’re thinking again: You’re wondering why I’m flying over the orchestra pit instead of entering the stage from backstage where I’ll be nibbling on various vittles kept warm on chafing dishes, as per my contract rider? Look, I’m a pretty down the earth chicken and I find that when I take the stage from the audience it really starts things off on the right foot. It’s my way of saying that I don’t OWN the music. I’m merely a vessel through which it speaks/lives/breathes.
Am I getting too lofty? I do that sometimes. In the coop where I periodically pass the time I’m kind of known as an intellectual. Some think I’m snobby but I’m really not. I just want to know what came before me, and what came after me, and how I fit in.
I read a lot of Nietzsche. I went through an Orwell phase but it hit a little close to home, as you can probably imagine.
1984. It was the year of my birth. Why, what did you think I was referring to?
Anyway, I have to go practice on my Casio keyboard which I keep in my mobile dressing room. A lot of people wonder how I practice and that’s how.
Oh and P.S. it looks as if I’ll be interviewing a certain Michael Showalter in a video/vlog soon. Happy Valentine’s Day!
NOTE: If you want to hear the old radio interviews I did with Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black go to my seldom-updated Myspace page and scroll down on the right side, after the videos, and there is a gray box with the interviews.
but I just shed a few tears… because I felt overwhelmed! And misunderstood! And get this, not because I’m overwhelmed with work, because I am, but overwhelmed with having to wrap presents.
I mean really.
And speaking of female matters, as someone who possesses ovaries and a television set I felt it my duty to attempt to watch Grey’s Anatomy last night. I say attempt because I had trouble caring. I mean, the scene where they had to apply constant pressure (i.e. hug) the Asperger’s doctor? Give me a break. And then the scene where … OH SPOILER ALERT… I should have said that earlier. Sorry. Anyway the scene where Yang hugs the war doctor even though he’s saying no and freaking out? You really can’t hug the unwilling. I mean, sometimes you can, but more often you can’t. Ducklings though, you can soothe by making a little nest with your hands and holding them tight and they’ll relax and fall asleep. Full grown human beings are harder to fit in your hands, I find.
Also, I have many thoughts about The Real World. Perhaps I will share them. But not now.
You can watch it here. www.foxnews.com/strategyroom
And then I’ll be on Red Eye Thursday night/Fri morning and The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet on Friday morning. I’m totally infesting your TV.
Infest is a gross word. Even if you had an infestation of something cute, like ducklings. In fact I’d almost say a duckling infestation is an oxymoron. But it’s not. Just almost. You know?
Okay so today hasn’t been the edgiest day. Perhaps I’m ovulating? Regardless, since it’s an all out cute-palooza, here’s a link to some adorable duck and chick videos that was just sent to me.
Incidentally, I really hope today is the day someone thinking about hiring me checks out my blog discover how newsy and relevant I am. I have my finger on the pulse… of waterfowl.
This duckling break has really been more of a duckling tease than anything.
THE SITUATION: someone has given you a duck which you’re trying desperately to give away, so desperately that you resort to flattery
YOU SAY: “Nice shoes! Want a duck?”