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Tired of your boring box?

Check it out you guys. Thanks to something called SmokeStixx, you can now personalize/conceal your cigarette boxes so that instead of saying to the world, “Hi, I smoke!” you’re saying, “Hi, I smoke… and like tiaras.”


Or champagne:


Or something manly like a flaming skull! Scary!

But see, while I can’t condone smoking but I can condone stickers. In fact I condoned stickers as president of a sticker club when I was a child. We met in a cardboard box in my backyard. I’m not even making this up. But back to the subject at hand, do you think I want the world to know when I have my period?


I would festoon that shit with unicorns and then grab the box, clutch my stomach and whine loudly about my cramps and how men all suck. Then I’d start crying. No one would be the wiser!

Or what about this?


Like I want to broadcast to the world that I’m eating cheese? Like I want to put my cheese on shout? Excuse me, but a lady never tells.

Similarly, I would recommend personalizing your butter.


Why not disguise it as margarine? Wouldn’t that be a real hoot and a half? It would. So you see, it’s only your imagination that will limit your use of this product, so long as what you’re imagining fits in a small box. In fact—and this just occurred to me—you could disguise a rape kit as a cigarette box. Seriously you guys, I should be in R&D.

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Last night I went grocery shopping

Think I’m not the kind of person who buys Brussels sprouts? Well I just want you to know you’re wrong. Feast your eyes on the below and then simmer in a pot of your own wrongness.

Yeah that’s right. I bought Brussels sprouts. And I’ll do it again. In fact, I like to pretend I’m in Belgium and just call them sprouts. As in, first I’m going to have, um, waffles, and then, um, chocolate, and then, um, sprouts, and then… and then I run out of things that have Belgian or Brussels in front of them. Anyone? Moving on…

I also am the kind of person who buys broccoli which, as you can see above, is thoughtfully wrapped in saran wrap by the grocery store. And not just any saran wrap, but blue tinted saran wrap. I make sure to request it.

“Hey, could I get the Saran Wrap that makes the food look toxic?” I say. Oh yeah, I also buy mushrooms, seen above. But sometimes I feel like something that tastes more like a jar so…

I opt for these. According to the label they’re “America’s Favorite Mushroom since 1928.” On the top it says “Sell by 1929.”

Oh and I also buy milk.

But this is the milk I prefer however the store only has it never to sometimes. It’s half the calories of nonfat milk but tastes more like regular milk if you took that regular milk and divided it in half and then replaced half with water and half with paste and then thinned it out with magical polymers and silicon. It’s delicious!

So but you’re probably wondering what I do with the Brussels sprouts? I’m reminded of my friend the epicurean who claims microwaves are only for heating and reheating. Not so, guy. (Just searched in vain for a link to anything aforementioned friend has written but all I’m coming up with are douchey wireimage shots, so I’m going to just leave it alone. You get the gist.)

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Gross! (and yet cute) AND YET GROSS!

I was watching the puppies here and all of them were nursing except there was one in the corner and I thought “Oh cute, he’s doing his own thing in the corner,” and then I realized doing his own thing meant going to the bathroom which was less cute and yet still kind of cute in a puppies will be puppies and go to the bathroom near where their mom and siblings are eating and then the mom quickly ate the poo! It wasn’t cute!

But now they’re all making puppy noises, which is cute.

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I don't care who my milk loves

But how come when the milk is straight they just call it milk but when this is going on

…well, I think you see my point. Look, I don’t care who my milk loves. It came from a cow and it’s beautiful.

Also, there is no such thing as half-and-half.

But really, this comes from Un-American English, a blog which charts “what the rest of the world means when English comes out of their mouths.” I don’t know who writes it, though I have a suspicion.

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