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Archive | deep thought time

A list because you love lists

So I’m back in New York after six intense weeks of Marvin care and I have so many things to say it’s making it hard for me to say anything. This is a hazard when you’re a blogger who is known for sharing the details of your life. Also when you’re known for being achingly beautiful. I’m telling you, spending nights in the hospital did my complexion no favors. And that delicious hospital cafeteria food went straight to my hips. I think I should make a list of things I need to tell you:

1) I trust you’re all coming to see me Thursday in News Distillery at the 92Y. Here’s a story about Faith Salie that mentions it if you want more info which you probably do because you’re so like that.

2) I’m really proud of the ARIYNBF shows I put on in CA and I’m glad I did that even though at times it was hard.

3) Perhaps you’re reading this and you’re new to me and you’re wondering what I’m talking about.

4) Soon I will be able to speak about it, I think, but for now I have to be all vague and elliptical but here’s what you can know: one of my family members whom I’ve named “Marvin” was just diagnosed with something no one wants and so I’ve been helping out.

5) Not crabs, though no one wants them.

6) Or Jordan almonds.

7) Before the Mad Men premiere I kept wanting to write a list of “Mad Men inspired drinking games by someone who doesn’t watch Mad Men and doesn’t understand drinking games.” That person isn’t me, of course, since I watch Mad Men and love to drink till I puke.

8) It would be a persona. A device. A trope, if you will.

9) You won’t.

10) By the way, I don’t actually love to drink till I puke. In fact I seldom drink these days which is all part of the way I don’t have fun and am letting life pass me by.

11) woe = me

12) I’m actually tired of the Goldenrod Footbridge. Can you believe it?

13) In the past going home to CA was taking a break however a few days before I returned to New York it was suggested to me that I should return if for no other reason than I clearly needed a break and needed to get strong again before coming back to CA. This idea that New York is now the place I go when I need a break is doing all sorts of funky things in my head.

14) Specifically it’s doing the electric slide.

15) “A Marvin being sick marks the true end of childhood,” said a therapist.

16) Or maybe she said, “A Marvin being sick truly marks the end of childhood.”

17) Well, you get the point.

17.5) Not MY therapist! What use would I have for therapy? My brain is perfection and my emotions are a thing of beauty and my thoughts conform to the Platonic ideal of thoughts and my feelings are so appropriate you only WISH you had my feelings.

18) It’s hot in New York. I kind of hate that.

19) True Blood is now my favorite distraction and I’m sad I’m all caught up.

20) Also? I’ve been cheating on Splenda with Truvia. Just a little though.

21) I miss Tobey.

22) Congrats to Natali Del Conte on the birth of her baby boy!

23) Thank you all for the encouraging words you’ve sent my way.

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Ustream; about last night; weather; gynecology

Don’t forget to tune in to my Ustream show tonight at 11pm ET/8pm PT and join in the chat room or just watch the proceedings which are sure to be both fun and ridiculous.

Will we name plants?

Will we play Cow, Sheep or Goat which I believe we may have a request for?

Will we play the rhyming game which my sister and I invented but only I think is fun?

Will Dustin and I have found true love with strangers at the Singles party I’m supposedly going to tonight but which I can already feel I may flake on (pssss. No one tell Dustin. It’s a surprise!)

Will I tell you about how I won an iPod touch in a raffle at a comedy benefit for the leukemia and lymphoma society last night (hosted by Liam McEneany and featuring Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, John Oliver, Kristen Schaal, Todd Barry, Jim Gaffigan, Caroline Rhea, Eddie Brill and fuck who am I forgetting? A Brief View of the Hudson) and  it was exciting because I was literally sitting there thinking, “If they call my number, which they won’t since in my entire life of raffles I’ve never had my number called, is it ok if I just raise my hand or stand up as opposed to yelping like everyone else because I just don’t think I can summon the yelp and I hope they’ll understand that it doesn’t mean there’s a stick up my ass [though it kinda does] and it doesn’t mean I’m too cool for raffles [or am I?!?!?!?!], it just means I’m not the yelping kind,” but then as they called the numbers the excitement of winning actually coalesced into a yelp, which was a relief.

Sort of like when you go to the gynecologist and she confirms that all your parts are in working order as opposed to your fear, which is that she’ll recoil in horror, having seen something the likes of which I can’t even figure out right now, seeing as I’m already wishing I hadn’t taken this blog post in that direction. I know what you’re thinking though and yes, women can be doctors.

Um, where was I? Have I said too much? Just to continue on this dark path for a moment, it’s also like how you may wonder what you’ll do if you get a call saying someone died or if you have to call 911. Will it be like how you see it on TV? Having experienced both of those I can say that yes, the emotions come at the appropriate times, and perhaps I’m the only one that wondered about that?

In other news it’s raining cats and dogs in New York. What web sites do you guys use to get the weather forecast? I use twitter. But also weather dot com. But I wonder if there’s a better one.

Oh and RSVP for my show tonight so I’ll feel special.

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A question about dating

So I was talking with Trevor earlier—Trevor who incidentally is today’s guest on The Daily Alison as soon as YouTube sees fit to get off its ass and finish uploading that piece of digital celluloid magic—and we began talking about dating as we often do. Well, first we talked about potential themes for Trevor’s next appearance such as Under the Sea or Jamaica Me Crazy or Cabaret. Then we talked about what we’re looking for in a significant other. And then Trevor began shooting the following question around to people he knows and I said that I wanted to pose it to my blog readers because I love them and I will not experience anything without including them. Love me, love my blog readers! So here is the question. Please weigh in:

If you could date someone who had only one exceptional quality and all else was average, what would that quality be?

I personally am choosing between smart, witty, funny, kind, and symmetrical. Lord knows I love a symmetrical man.

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Problems I've yet to solve

I don’t know if my IQ drops by about 20 points when I’m at my parent’s house in Orange County or if I’m just tired from all the lying around but I’ve been sitting in this chair staring straight ahead for a while now and I’ve yet to solve any of the world’s problems.

Problems I’ve yet to solve:

Why are ducklings so cute?

Why do I have a headache?

Why is everyone saying Entourage was so sucky? (I thought it was pretty good last night)

Why do I gain 45 pounds every time I come to CA?

How did I get to be so wonderful?

What’s up with that?

How’s it going?

Where do I come up with these things?

No really, where

Why did I first want to write that my IQ drops about 20 “degrees”?

Am I actually going to make the phone calls I need to make or just keep thinking that I need to make phone calls?

Should I wear a sombrero to the party I’m going to tonight because I’m not loving my hair right now?

Or should I paint a very small mural on my forehead to distract from the hair?

Should I get up from this chair?

If there was some kind of device that would push me out of this chair would it be a chair lift? But not the skiing kind of chair lift, just another chair lift? I could get behind that.

So you see, I’m getting a LOT of stuff accomplished over here.

In other news, I think I may have written two not-very-funny jokes last night. Although they’re obvious enough that I can’t believe I’m the first to think of them. Yet unfunny enough that I don’t think I’ve heard them before. Shall we?

Q: What did the drug dealer say to the junkie?

A: “You gotta get right back on the horse.”

Another one? Ok:

Q: Why was everyone mad at the junkie?

A: He kept talkin’ smack.

Get it? I don’t know why my jokes are heroin based, by the way. I didn’t even eat poppy seed muffins or anything!

I suppose I should take a shower since I have to be somewhere in many hours.

Ok then.

Also, I’m having that neither here nor there feeling I often get when I’m neither here nor there. Like, I could easily stay out here longer and that would be fun. And yet I know my life is in NYC and so I should go back. But it’s so easy here except for the way everyone’s always throwing avocados at you and trying to get you to have plastic surgery. “No more implants!” I yelled, as an avocado went whizzing past my new nose. It was scary and yet exhilarating. In New York they just throw metrocards at you. Also, before I came out here I was in a huge screaming rush and so I left my apartment in disarray. I’m not looking forward to going back to the way I left it although thankfully I filled the ground with a couple feet water, plugged the holes, and released a few Koi in there because I find tropical fish relaxing. I just hope my neighbor remembers to feed them through the window.

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