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A list because you love lists

So I’m back in New York after six intense weeks of Marvin care and I have so many things to say it’s making it hard for me to say anything. This is a hazard when you’re a blogger who is known for sharing the details of your life. Also when you’re known for being achingly beautiful. I’m telling you, spending nights in the hospital did my complexion no favors. And that delicious hospital cafeteria food went straight to my hips. I think I should make a list of things I need to tell you:

1) I trust you’re all coming to see me Thursday in News Distillery at the 92Y. Here’s a story about Faith Salie that mentions it if you want more info which you probably do because you’re so like that.

2) I’m really proud of the ARIYNBF shows I put on in CA and I’m glad I did that even though at times it was hard.

3) Perhaps you’re reading this and you’re new to me and you’re wondering what I’m talking about.

4) Soon I will be able to speak about it, I think, but for now I have to be all vague and elliptical but here’s what you can know: one of my family members whom I’ve named “Marvin” was just diagnosed with something no one wants and so I’ve been helping out.

5) Not crabs, though no one wants them.

6) Or Jordan almonds.

7) Before the Mad Men premiere I kept wanting to write a list of “Mad Men inspired drinking games by someone who doesn’t watch Mad Men and doesn’t understand drinking games.” That person isn’t me, of course, since I watch Mad Men and love to drink till I puke.

8) It would be a persona. A device. A trope, if you will.

9) You won’t.

10) By the way, I don’t actually love to drink till I puke. In fact I seldom drink these days which is all part of the way I don’t have fun and am letting life pass me by.

11) woe = me

12) I’m actually tired of the Goldenrod Footbridge. Can you believe it?

13) In the past going home to CA was taking a break however a few days before I returned to New York it was suggested to me that I should return if for no other reason than I clearly needed a break and needed to get strong again before coming back to CA. This idea that New York is now the place I go when I need a break is doing all sorts of funky things in my head.

14) Specifically it’s doing the electric slide.

15) “A Marvin being sick marks the true end of childhood,” said a therapist.

16) Or maybe she said, “A Marvin being sick truly marks the end of childhood.”

17) Well, you get the point.

17.5) Not MY therapist! What use would I have for therapy? My brain is perfection and my emotions are a thing of beauty and my thoughts conform to the Platonic ideal of thoughts and my feelings are so appropriate you only WISH you had my feelings.

18) It’s hot in New York. I kind of hate that.

19) True Blood is now my favorite distraction and I’m sad I’m all caught up.

20) Also? I’ve been cheating on Splenda with Truvia. Just a little though.

21) I miss Tobey.

22) Congrats to Natali Del Conte on the birth of her baby boy!

23) Thank you all for the encouraging words you’ve sent my way.

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last night's Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend recap plus online dating Qs, horror stories, where to see me

Last night’s show was really fun. First we talked to writer A.J. Jacobs, who was delightful, and then comedian Brendan McLaughlin came over to talk comedy and teach us how to professionally taste beer. He was a hoot, and I mean that in the sincerest way. At some point I also spoke Spanish and we did the wavey pencil dance and it was the greatest wavey pencil dance ever (Dustin took a solo) and we also talked about dating and my plans to do some online dating and document it on the show because I don’t go anywhere without my viewing audience.

Which brings me to a question: Have you had luck with online dating sites and which do you recommend?

And at the end of the show I invited you all to share your dating horror stories (either put them in the comments or email them to alisonrosenisyournewbestfriend AT gmail DOT com) and I will read some of them on the next show and name a winner. I’m not sure yet what the winner will win.

Oh and also, also, also, I need a logo so I can get some stickers made up. Anyone have any ideas for a logo that would look good on a bumper sticker? Maybe it should just be the name of the show. The thing that flummoxes me is that most sites where you order stickers have a button where you upload artwork. So that’s what I need. You know? Okay then.

Oh and also I had super fancy new title cards and we did a segment called “Just me or everyone?” where it was determined that many things I do are just me. It felt less reassuring than I’d hoped.

And one more potentially obnoxious thing. If anyone would like to make highlights on the videos for some of the moments I mentioned above, I will link to them.

Oh and see me tonight at 8pm ET on Diana Falzone‘s Paltalk show. Apparently I’ll be spelling my name with two LLs for the occasion.

And Friday morning at 11am ET I’ll be on CNET’s The 404 podcast. YAY!

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Ustream; about last night; weather; gynecology

Don’t forget to tune in to my Ustream show tonight at 11pm ET/8pm PT and join in the chat room or just watch the proceedings which are sure to be both fun and ridiculous.

Will we name plants?

Will we play Cow, Sheep or Goat which I believe we may have a request for?

Will we play the rhyming game which my sister and I invented but only I think is fun?

Will Dustin and I have found true love with strangers at the Singles party I’m supposedly going to tonight but which I can already feel I may flake on (pssss. No one tell Dustin. It’s a surprise!)

Will I tell you about how I won an iPod touch in a raffle at a comedy benefit for the leukemia and lymphoma society last night (hosted by Liam McEneany and featuring Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, John Oliver, Kristen Schaal, Todd Barry, Jim Gaffigan, Caroline Rhea, Eddie Brill and fuck who am I forgetting? A Brief View of the Hudson) and  it was exciting because I was literally sitting there thinking, “If they call my number, which they won’t since in my entire life of raffles I’ve never had my number called, is it ok if I just raise my hand or stand up as opposed to yelping like everyone else because I just don’t think I can summon the yelp and I hope they’ll understand that it doesn’t mean there’s a stick up my ass [though it kinda does] and it doesn’t mean I’m too cool for raffles [or am I?!?!?!?!], it just means I’m not the yelping kind,” but then as they called the numbers the excitement of winning actually coalesced into a yelp, which was a relief.

Sort of like when you go to the gynecologist and she confirms that all your parts are in working order as opposed to your fear, which is that she’ll recoil in horror, having seen something the likes of which I can’t even figure out right now, seeing as I’m already wishing I hadn’t taken this blog post in that direction. I know what you’re thinking though and yes, women can be doctors.

Um, where was I? Have I said too much? Just to continue on this dark path for a moment, it’s also like how you may wonder what you’ll do if you get a call saying someone died or if you have to call 911. Will it be like how you see it on TV? Having experienced both of those I can say that yes, the emotions come at the appropriate times, and perhaps I’m the only one that wondered about that?

In other news it’s raining cats and dogs in New York. What web sites do you guys use to get the weather forecast? I use twitter. But also weather dot com. But I wonder if there’s a better one.

Oh and RSVP for my show tonight so I’ll feel special.

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Tired of your boring box?

Check it out you guys. Thanks to something called SmokeStixx, you can now personalize/conceal your cigarette boxes so that instead of saying to the world, “Hi, I smoke!” you’re saying, “Hi, I smoke… and like tiaras.”


Or champagne:


Or something manly like a flaming skull! Scary!

But see, while I can’t condone smoking but I can condone stickers. In fact I condoned stickers as president of a sticker club when I was a child. We met in a cardboard box in my backyard. I’m not even making this up. But back to the subject at hand, do you think I want the world to know when I have my period?


I would festoon that shit with unicorns and then grab the box, clutch my stomach and whine loudly about my cramps and how men all suck. Then I’d start crying. No one would be the wiser!

Or what about this?


Like I want to broadcast to the world that I’m eating cheese? Like I want to put my cheese on shout? Excuse me, but a lady never tells.

Similarly, I would recommend personalizing your butter.


Why not disguise it as margarine? Wouldn’t that be a real hoot and a half? It would. So you see, it’s only your imagination that will limit your use of this product, so long as what you’re imagining fits in a small box. In fact—and this just occurred to me—you could disguise a rape kit as a cigarette box. Seriously you guys, I should be in R&D.

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Weight loss tips and tricks

1. Steal a tip from the stars! Don’t eat for 5000 hours prior to a big event.

2. Donate a kidney. Fill body cavity with lettuce or baby spinach.

3. Going to a party? Stick your belongings in a pita and use it as a stylish clutch. If you get hungry, nibble on your handbag. Your fear of having nowhere to stash your stuff will prevent you from overeating. Or splurge and stuff your items into whole wheat ravioli. Who’s that headturner reaching for her cell phone in her pasta?

4. Another party trick: Only eat what can fit comfortably on a cocktail table.

5. Practice this mantra: “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels… except food.”

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Time for a transformation

I woke up this morning feeling like I’m ready to make a change in my life—and by that I mean I woke up feeling… nay, KNOWING, that I want to change my ringtone. It’s time. I just don’t quite know what I want to change it to, and I’m trying to be okay with that emptiness.

In other news, last night I met up with someone I went to grade school with who contacted me on Facebook. I went to high school with him but have little recollection of it as he was on the football team and I was on pep squad and during rallies I was just concentrating really hard on splits and balancing and so there wasn’t much time to notice anything else. That was pretty much my whole high school experience: splits and balancing. But also I think I’ve blocked high school. I wasn’t really on the pep squad in case this is your first time reading my blog. What I do remember is that he and I were both in our 8th grade musical. Also he sat behind me in fifth grade. Now he’s married and has three children. I’ve been married three times and have nine children. The whole thing was fun but it made me feel old.

Then I saw Greg Wilson perform at a club in Times Square which was cool (he was really funny) except afterwards he kept trying to lick my face. I should have been wearing my bike helmet/man repellent.

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Things you find when you're least looking

You know how they say you find love when you’re least looking? Here are some other things you find when you’re least looking:

movie stubs


that you drove 20 minutes in the wrong direction

weird body hair

normal body hair

but who can really say what’s normal, you know?

a crumbly piece of paper you left in your jeans and put in the wash

that you ate a lot of grapes

pennies (note: not from heaven)

that thing you were looking for but don’t need anymore

pen caps

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