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Author Archive | Alison Rosen

Books on the train

Last night I did something I never do—talked to strangers on the train. They started it! Twice!

It’s because I was reading the second book of the Twilight series. Vampire books for 13 year olds with loosely veiled Mormon themes? How could it not resonate with me, when you think about it.

My train friends also are concerned about the movie and the casting of Edward. One of my train friends was on the fourth and final book and she started reading something else because she didn’t want to finish and have no more books to read. She has more restraint than I do, sort of how Edward has more restraint than say, Jasper.

If you want to meet people, read the Twilight series on the train! If you want to read the Twilight series on the train? Take a cab.

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You can totally hear my name at the end of this

Here’s a link to a segment that ran on WNBC about the funniest reporter show. I was told that the version that’s running in taxis has actual footage of me doing stand up but maybe that’s just a scam to get me to take taxis? Anyway, lest anyone is wondering, I wrote all my own material.

http://video.wnbc.com/player/?id=739007

Also, do I need to just shut the hell up already about this show? Because I just performed my set again in the shower and let me just say, I killed! My loofah couldn’t even breath it was laughing so hard and my shampoo was doubled over.

I’m kidding of course, I don’t have a loofah. But I was having this daydream fantasy where I was asked, out of the blue, to get onstage and perform for a few minutes and so I just wanted to make sure that I would be able to still recall the set… from a few nights ago.

Also in the realm of daydream fantasy? Well see, I used to appear on WNBC all the time and so I was sort of hoping that when Cat said my name the anchors would be like “oh, I know Alison! She’s so nice… and funny!” I kind of can’t believe I just admitted that.

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I'm a go getter

The kind who wakes up at 1pm. I think I’m turning nocturnal. Like a hamster. Now today it’s not so bad because I’m doing Red Eye tonight and then at 2am I’m doing an interview on Joey Reynolds show on WOR talk radio about the funniest reporter competition. I just hope he doesn’t ask me to tell any jokes because it’s going to take an army to keep my from saying:

Heard the one about potato leek soup? It got everywhere!

I made that joke up, by the way. It’s both horrible and gourmet.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I have to stay up late so it’s not so bad that I’m getting up late but why, why is this happening? I feel I’m going to have to do something drastic like employ an alarm clock one of these days.

Also I’m reading the second book of the Twilight series now. I’m turning into a 13 year old. A nocturnal 13 year old.

UPDATE: We’re rescheduling the radio interview for next week. My creaky old body is kind of relieved.

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Just throwing this out there

I’m going to wash my face. I’m just going to do it. I’m going to take the plunge. Is there any reason I need to keep my achingly beautiful face looking achingly beautiful? Because I’m ready to be wearing less makeup. Except if I do that and then suddenly there is a reason where I should have kept it on, such as a party or “fun time” pops up out of nowhere I will be like DAMNIT, why did I wash all that pretty crud down the drain. And yes, of course I could put it back on, but I know myself and I wouldn’t, hence I’ll probably just stay home.

That’s kind of sad actually. The desire to not put on makeup is stronger than the desire to have a fun time.

Except so rarely are you assured a good time, you know? So often it’s just like “huh, I could see where that might be fun.”

Also I have a headache. It might be from holding my nose in the air to look down on all of you.

Oh get this: apparently I’m on taxi TV! There’s a segment about the funniest reporter show. Anyone see it? I only take helicopters so I wouldn’t know.

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If I ran for president

You know in school how you learn about the famous Nixon/Kennedy debate where Nixon lost to that MTV VJ Kennedy because he was all hot media and Kennedy was cold media and understood TV and something about the color of ties?

Well if McCain loses and they trace anything back to this debate I think they will point out that he looks like a little old man when he walks around and that he would have done much better to have stood still while making his points instead of doddering around all grandpa like. I mean, he looks like my grandfather, who is dead. Lest I have not made my point, what I’m trying to say is that when he walks around, it’s clear he is an old man. Granted, when I walk around it’s clear I am an old man, which is why were I to run for president I would make sure to be rolled around in a wheelchair so as to appear youthful. Like a youthful FDR. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself, pull my finger!” I will say, as they roll me by. I will say this while puffing on a pipe and inventing alphabet soup agencies. “Polio?” they will whisper as I go flying down a hill in my shoddy wheelchair.”But I thought polio was something from the past?” they will frown, as my wheelchair hits a divot and I am thrown into a tree. “Well, she’s an old soul,” someone will say, by way of explanation.

Am I mixing up my presidents? Well, you get the idea at least.

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More about my internet problems

Waiting around, not knowing when my internet will leave me, unable to focus on anything because of the gnawing sensation, surprised and overjoyed when it’s here and then crushed when suddenly it’s gone. Wondering when it will return, if it will return… Am I dating the internet? I’m certainly getting fucked by it!

I’m sorry, I know you don’t like when I go blue however I had no choice.

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Bedside vigil for my internet connection

Imagine if your beloved relative was lying in a hospital bed fading in and out of consciousness and you were trying to desperately squeeze all your questions about your past and family into the precious few lucid moments because when this person dies, there goes all that history and all those memories? Well imagine that instead of a relative, it’s your fucking internet connection that’s about to give up the ghost and every now and then it seems to actually be working and you’re like “wait wait! just give me my email! come back! just tell me the weather forecast! don’t go! I need to google mysel…. hello? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fight, fight! I’m not ready to live without my internet connection!”

And then again it’s gone. I can’t take this emotional roller coaster.

Thankfully I already talked to the nutsacks at Time Warner though and I explained that I work from home and I’m losing business and they kindly let me know that this is for residential use. Do they think I’m selling rubber stamps online or something?

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I'll be on Red Eye Wednesday night/Thursday morning

So tonight I was on the train when who should walk in but one of the producers of Red Eye. “I heard you won!” he said excitedly. “Yes, it’s true,” I coolly responded, because at this point I was tired of the little people with their mundane words of praise and banal well wishes. He wanted to know if I felt like maybe Red Eye had played a part in making me the phenom that I am today. He didn’t use the word phenom, but I could see it in his eyes.

I grew royally miffed and really let him have it.

By the way, when I grow royally miffed that means I’m miffed but wearing a crown or some other kind of regal headwear. Could even be a purple fez or gilded sombrero.

I mean, I’m just so tired of people wanting a piece of me. All day long my life has changed.

And then I agreed that maybe Red Eye could claim a slice of my comedic yeah-sure-whateverness and he said I ought to put a shout out on my blog so here goes:

Hey Red Eye, thanks!

Anyway, I’ll be on Red Eye Wednesday night/Thursday morning.

In other news, my neighborhood is very Halloweeny and I love it because it’s Halloweeny in the third grade sense of that word, not the horror sense of the word.

In even more news, I’m reading Twilight which all the other 13 year olds read ages ago. I think but I’m late to this YA party. Y.A. is young adult, by the way. See, it went down like this:

Another adult: Are you a reader?
Me: In theory
The other adult: I mean, do you like to read? Books?
Me: Well, I know how if that’s what you mean.
The other adult: Have you read any of the Twilight books? I can’t put them down.
Me: I haven’t even heard of them!

And then there I was, searching the teen fiction section of Barnes & Noble for a gift for my imaginary teen cousin.

And now I can’t put the book down either, which makes typing kind of difficult to say the least.

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