Today is one of those days where I would rather just lie in bed and do nothing however I had dragged myself to the computer where I am writing this blog post and also doing other stuff I have to do. But let’s focus on this blog post shall we? I can feel it’s going to be a thing of beauty and yet also be short. It’s the Salma Hayak of posts. Anyway, for the first time since starting Lexapro I am depppppprrrrresssssssssseddddddddddddddd. That’s how the mood feels. All stretching out and oozy and blah. It’s actually kind of amazing that I hadn’t felt any of that for as long as I’d gone. I forget now how long. 6 weeks? I could find out. Hold please. I started at the very end of July. So a little over 6 weeks. But it takes some time to begin working. Anyway, it really curbed the depression although it didn’t ameliorate the anxiety. But it helped. But now I feel blah and oozy and icky again. It started a couple days ago when we saw a funeral procession on the highway and then I was hit with a wave of sadness and I was like, “What is this feeling that I haven’t experienced in so long? Oh yes, it’s sadness.” And then I’ve been spiraling a little ever since in terms of taking a tour through all my old unpleasant-to-experience emotions and now here I am back home in depressionland and for me, depression is more debilitating than anxiety. Anxiety is uncomfortable and unpleasant but depression makes me want to not do anything. Hence the feat of writing this blog post. By the way lest you read this and worry about me, don’t. I am fine in the big sense! Just feeling a little blue. Also I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow which is perfect timing!
Um, anyway, now I’m wondering if this is how it’s always going to be with meds? They’ll work for short periods of time and then I will have to increase the dose until my body is 90 percent pharmaceuticals and 10 percent Refreshe Wild Cherry soda?
I still think it’s pretty amazing that I felt a freedom from this feeling for as long as I did because this is pretty much what I always thought being alive felt like (i.e. pretty crappy with moments of levity). I could say more and I feel I’m not quite articulating any of this as well as I could however I have to take a shower while Elliot’s babysitter is still here.
In sum: 1) I blogged 2) Don’t worry about me! 3) I shower!
By the way, this kind of feeling tends to go away when I’m working and specifically when I’m connecting with another human being and yet this feeling makes me averse to choosing to do any of that. But for past few weeks I didn’t feel this feeling even when I was all alone and doing nothing. Ok bye for real.