Samantha Moss makes her Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend debut on this episode and by that I mean she was sleeping like an angel a few feet from the table while we all cooed and our hearts melted. Before the show Greg met her for the first time and announced, “I like holding babies. Holding babies is a thing I like to do.” So if anyone is wondering, that’s where Greg stands on baby holding. On this episode we got the low-down from Jenna on labor which involved, among other things, a balloon and a hairbrush. It did not involve modesty or a curtain. We also talked about insomnia and my attempts to rid myself of it, everyone’s Thanksgivings, pomegranates, toilets, afterbirths and so much more. And we did a round of Just Me Or Everyone.
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For insomnia, might I recommend the Tara Brach podcast. I listen to the talks, not the meditations, when I have trouble falling asleep and/or falling back to sleep in the middle of the night. Her voice is incredibly soothing and her talks are wonderfully applicable to folks with sensitive, anxious minds like ours. Sweet dreams, Alison. Be well.
Congratulations to Jenna and Al! You are going to be awesome parents. We need more of you guys, so don't ever stop reproducing!
When we had our kids my sleep, and thus entire life, was destroyed. I also have the no trouble falling asleep but can't stay or get back to sleep. What happened when the kids came into the picture was the delicate balance I had established got completely obliterated. It is definitely the hyperactive mind. I wonder sometimes if getting checked and treated for ADHD might help. It is not exactly ADHD (or maybe it is), but more on that later. My brain is so exhausted from the day of constant mental churning that I am in physical agony by the evening. I collapse to fall asleep, which I usually can't do for another 2 hours after I want to because of the kids who just don't go to sleep, and then I'll wake up at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. and can't go back to sleep most nights. Once rested, my mind wakes up. The only thing it doesn't think about is all the ramifications. Among other things, I determined chronic back pain and plantar fasciitis was simply due to disruption and lack of sleep. My overactive brain can sure be an inconsiderate dumbass.
Here is the thing about the phone, I think (for people like us) the phone is a symptom rather than a cause. Let me explain. I'll be so anxious at 2:00 a.m. and can't stop my brain that I'll got to the phone and check stuff and read blogs to get away from the thoughts. Then I'll turn the phone off and the brain turns back on. Five minutes of agony and then I go back to the phone.
Here is my newest theory on my brand of introversion. Part of the introversion is this weird version of ADHD. This clicked for me in a roundabout way when Dana Gould made the statement about “being open and vulnerable to a real relationship versus being alone and in control.” Being around people (depending on the situation) inhibits the ability of my mind to flow freely. I don't have the ability to tune out either the people or my frantic mind and the conflict is painful and exhausting.
So, what helps on the sleep: white noise: I have a big filter-based air purifier, so, pure air plus the noise. Warmth: I found being really warm, almost hot, helps. Super soft bed: I put on a cushy mattress pad. I think I've determined that what I'm basically doing is simulating a sensory deprivation chamber and maybe this is what helps keep the brain turned off. Next on my list is to try some bastardized version of meditation. I will try a mantra or an MP3 or podcast to put on repeat when I'm falling asleep normally and try to condition my brain to fall asleep to it at 3:00 a.m.
Wonderful, beautiful baby!
Jenna & Al congrats on the arrival of Samantha!
Jenna I'm sorry you are feeling pressure about breastfeeding. Please know that there are a lot of people out there that support you no matter what you and Al choose to do – whether it's breast, bottle, combo or whatever. YOU are the parents and it's your decision and concern, no one else's. YOU know what is best for your family and what works best and please feel free and even proud to do exactly that.
One thing that I have heard that I think is good advice: remember that the baby, while certainly precious and massively loved, is not the only person in the family. For example, my mom felt it was too difficult to breast feed any of her three kids because she and my dad had a home-based business where clients came to the home office on a daily basis (and it wasn't appointment based, either). It was just too much to handle for her, so she chose what was best for the whole family, including HER, and that was feeding us formula. And you know what? All three of us kids were (and are) super healthy and grew like weeds and suffered ZERO ill effects. She said if they had a different type of business she would have tried breast feeding. But they didn't. And it's ok!! No guilt necessary. Live the life you have, do the best you can for the family as a whole.
Best of luck in these early baby days. Remember, they aren't “fully cooked” until 3 or 4 months – things DO get easier after that. I have seen it happen a zillion times. Get through those first few months and you are golden. 🙂
Sorry, more to say (you're used to it, right?)
Alison, I think Jeff is right about the phone thing. The light from the screen can really mess up your circadian rhythm (Google it – but not at night!). Greg is also right about sleep hygiene. Both of those things are what every doctor has brought up when I've had sleep issues (which, when they happen, are similar to yours).
About the accepting yourself thing, I totally do this too and this is what my psychologist has said:
1. Life is a journey, not a destination. Improvement counts, not just perfection. One is never done being interested in things, improving things, trying things, thinking about things in a new way, etc. Chances are, your mental “inbox” is not going to be empty the day you die – whether it's tomorrow or 50+ years from now.
2. When you say “I am too old to be this insecure” you are judging yourself and treating yourself unkindly. This act perpetuates the cycle of insecurity, anxiety, depression, whatever it is that you are wanting to “get past”. This has been a hard concept and habit to break for me, but I do find diffusion helps. So, catch yourself doing it and label it without judgement and move on i.e. “I am too old to be this…oh look at that, that is a judgment” then move on to next thought, do not continue to judge self or judge lack of ability to judge self, etc. Doing this “literally” changes the well worn pathways in your thinking patterns. It interrupts something that is unhelpful. It works! It is ok to think of facts such as “I feel insecure right now” – just don't judge yourself for it.
When it comes to the being social thing – I know a lot of the “therapistizations” about it, but I am and have been struggling in this area myself. I always had pretty effortless friendships and social life until I was about 20. Then things were whittled down quite a bit, but I figured that was post college, post nervous breakdown life (at 20 I got off some meds and it was a bad scene, had to drop out of college). In the past 5 years or so, though, I've become an active-avoider of social stuff and even close friends as a coping mechanism for dealing with mental health issues, deaths in the family, not being able to work at a “conventional job,” and my plans not panning out in several areas of life for various reasons.
But humans need each other. We're a social species even if we individually are loners or introverts more than joiners and extroverts. That doesn't mean you have to force yourself to go to stupid parties or activities that you are TRULY not interested in. But it does mean that if you have the opportunity to do something you would most likely enjoy (or see people you enjoy) it's a good idea to push yourself to do it enough so that you can maintain your relationships without feeling guilt / strain / stress / whatever.
If it helps to quantify the above, then say ok at least one time per month I want to have lunch or dinner or a movie or something with friends (or whatever time frame feels workable and not stressful but still a bit of a “push” for you). You can always change it if it needs changing. You don't have to tell anyone else that you are quantifying things. Just make a moderate goal and work toward it. If it doesn't work, maybe back off on it a bit and go for smaller steps (one event every two months?).
I go to a book club once per month right now. I love it. I love every person in it and always laugh my butt off and have a great time. Yet I still get an “oh no, I don't want to go!” feeling every month that I force myself to push past. I am ALWAYS glad I did. I need to do more work on the social stuff (eventually), but I'm also super proud I haven't missed a book club meeting in 2 years now. 🙂
First – CONGRATS JKJ and #Al for the debut of #SamanthaMoss!!! I am thrilled for you guys!. It's a complete mind-melt for pretty much the whole first year, but after that it gets as easy as parenting ever gets. A very wise Mom (proving that not ALL the unsolicited advice I got when preggo and the baby's first year was utter garbage) – said to me, the 2's are terrible, they are just your preview of the teenager you'll get. This turned out to be perfectly true for both of my polar opposites daughters, the second thing this Mom (who I sometimes refer as the Obi-Wan who sailed through my galaxy said was “Don't worry that they don't seem to be listening to you, worry that they are always watching you”. Sad to say in the thousands of unsolicited comments I got – these were two that turned out to be perfectly true.
Second badabingo – this was a PERFECT post. Thank you.