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What I'd Expect if I Were Expecting excerpt, Ch. 1

I’ve been reading excerpts of my faux pregnancy memoir, What I’d Expect if I Were Expecting on The Adam Carolla Show. The idea grew out of an on air discussion we were having about how the best time to write a memoir would be before the event you’re recalling, because that’s when you really have the time to knock out a book.

Due to the popularity of WIEIIWE, I’m now also working on my addiction/recovery memoir since there’s that old adage in publishing that you have your whole life to write your first book and only a year or two to write your second. Frankly there’s no way I can squeeze a lifetime of imaginary drug abuse into only a couple years.

A lot of people have asked if there’s a place they can go to read these excerpts. The short answer at this point is No. The long answer is Noooooooooooooo. But I’ve decided to put a few of them on my blog. Here is the first one:

Excerpt from What I’d Expect if I Were ExpectingChapter 1: Could I Be Pregnant?

…After months and months of not getting my period and being all fat, I began to wonder, could I be pregnant? It was the last thing I expected——me??? pregnant???— but the signs were all there. Unprotected sex some months before? Check. Morning sickness? Try morning, afternoon and evening sickness! Weird cravings? I’d eaten a pencil and two dry erase boards only moments before. My doctor pointing out the fetal heart rate on the fetal heart rate monitor? I made a mental note to pick up a pregnancy test on my way home from the bar…

Upcoming chapters include:

“What’s Up With My Areolas?”

“I Hope They Serve Ice Chips In Hell”

“What Do You Mean I Can’t Give Birth Underwater Surrounded By Dolphins?”

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  • Matthewh5262

    No luster lost on this still as funny as the first time I heard it..

  • Fetal hear rate monitor? Fetal heart RATE? Something must be up! (ok… as in knocked).

    Great Stuff! A show highlight every time.

  • Thumbs up!

    I’ve missed you on the Carolla show lately – Sammy Hagar and Dana Gould are guests who can hold up OK with a one-on-one but the show is much better with you there!

  • Michael_E

    Ha! That was awesome. You could get a show on MTV and instead of it being Teen Mom it could be something along the lines of, “Dirty 30’s and Pregnant.” Or, “I DID know I Was Pregnant.”

    Michael.

  • boinkity

    hahahaha… “the short answer is ‘no’ but the long answer is ‘noooooooo'” That one line had me and used me over and over till it was finished with me.

  • Joey1

    You should follow this with the memoir “Who’s My Baby Daddy?”

  • Actually this would dovetail very well with the fake drug abuse. Unprotected sex after smoking crack from a Whitney Houston “collectible” crack pipe!

  • I’ve started reading the show notes, and if I don’t see Alison mentioned I don’t download the podcast.

  • Puttie

    Charlie Sheen may have bombed but you did not. Thanks Alison!

  • I only recently found out what part an “Areolas” was! I’ve always been a fan, just didn’t know the technical name. Funny how ignorance on some things doesn’t hold you back.

  • Self_Righteous_Brothers

    Yay!
    So glad you posted this – my wife and I were just laughing about your memoirs the other night, after reading a horrible excerpt from an actual, no-joke, horrible pregnancy book (no, I won’t say which one).
    Your satire is dead-on perfect.

  • Matthewh5262

    No luster lost on this still as funny as the first time I heard it..

  • Fetal hear rate monitor? Fetal heart RATE? Something must be up! (ok… as in knocked).

    Great Stuff! A show highlight every time.

  • Thumbs up!

    I've missed you on the Carolla show lately – Sammy Hagar and Dana Gould are guests who can hold up OK with a one-on-one but the show is much better with you there!

  • Michael_E

    Ha! That was awesome. You could get a show on MTV and instead of it being Teen Mom it could be something along the lines of, “Dirty 30's and Pregnant.” Or, “I DID know I Was Pregnant.”

    Michael.

  • boinkity

    hahahaha… “the short answer is 'no' but the long answer is 'noooooooo'” That one line had me and used me over and over till it was finished with me.

  • You should follow this with the memoir “Who's My Baby Daddy?”

  • Actually this would dovetail very well with the fake drug abuse. Unprotected sex after smoking crack from a Whitney Houston “collectible” crack pipe!

  • I've started reading the show notes, and if I don't see Alison mentioned I don't download the podcast.

  • Puttie

    Charlie Sheen may have bombed but you did not. Thanks Alison!

  • I only recently found out what part an “Areolas” were! I've always been a fan, just didn't know the technical name. Funny how ignorance on some things doesn't hold you back.

  • AndyL

    I was three years ahead of you, also an English major at Pomona. NO ONE in the English department was this funny there, let alone wrote anything that wasn’t just navel-gazing. We were too busy listening to a professor pretend to know Middle English while he was reading us Chaucer. Most folks barely had a sense of humor, because humor, as we all know, isn’t politically correct. Even the Without A Box improv group was mostly failure in a cube.

    I call shenanigans, I think you went to Cal Poly.

    #HarwoodTootieRollerSkateTwirl

  • Yay!
    So glad you posted this – my wife and I were just laughing about your memoirs the other night, after reading a horrible excerpt from an actual, no-joke, horrible pregnancy book (no, I won't say which one).
    Your satire is dead-on perfect.

  • Haha! Your comment totally brings me back to the self-importance of being an English major. (Not that your comment is self-important but the dept was.) I think the Lit majors were worse. I’m trying to remember who the Chaucer prof was. I had a woman prof but didn’t Pinney or Barnes also teach it?

  • AndyL

    I was three years ahead of you, also an English major at Pomona. NO ONE in the English department was this funny there, let alone wrote anything that wasn't just navel-gazing. We were too busy listening to a professor pretend to know Middle English while he was reading us Chaucer. Most folks barely had a sense of humor, because humor, as we all know, isn't politically correct. Even the Without A Box improv group was mostly failure in a cube.

    I call shenanigans, I think you went to Cal Poly.

    #HarwoodTootieRollerSkateTwirl

  • Haha! Your comment totally brings me back to the self-importance of being an English major. (Not that your comment is self-important but the dept was.) I think the Lit majors were worse. I'm trying to remember who the Chaucer prof was. I had a woman prof but didn't Pinney or Barnes also teach it?

  • Jeff Chandler

    Just not the same without you there, SO glad you’re back and you sound like you’re feelin’ better.

  • Just not the same without you there, SO glad you're back and you sound like you're feelin' better.

  • AndyL

    Barnes taught Chaucer to me, sweating like a pig and oggling the legs of the pretty girl in the front row. Copeland was great, gave me a lifelong love of Austen, and Stonehill was fun too (did he die while you were there?). But Pinney and Barnes barely felt like they were trying. And I was tramautized for life when Cris Miller popped out a boob in front of me to breast feed.

    Yes, I was a Lit major. The amount of angst among the twelve of us in that little senior seminar room could have powered the lights of Claremont for weeks. That’s why, when I found out you were a Sagehen, I was dumbfounded that the English department birthed someone as funny as you.

  • AndyL

    Barnes taught Chaucer to me, sweating like a pig and oggling the legs of the pretty girl in the front row. Copeland was great, gave me a lifelong love of Austen, and Stonehill was fun too (did he die while you were there?). But Pinney and Barnes barely felt like they were trying. And I was tramautized for life when Cris Miller popped out a boob in front of me to breast feed.

    Yes, I was a Lit major. The amount of angst among the twelve of us in that little senior seminar room could have powered the lights of Claremont for weeks. That's why, when I found out you were a Sagehen, I was dumbfounded that the English department birthed someone as funny as you.

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