Subscribe to my Substack!!!!

An open letter to my parents, with whom I am now living

Oh hey guys. I just saw you a few minutes ago in the family room.

First of all I wanted to thank you for allowing me to broadcast my show from your living room and/ or kitchen. I appreciate it and I will give you a couple points on the back end once I figure out what that means.

Recently something has come to my attention though, which I can remain silent about no longer. It’s that you hang two fly swatters on a hook attached to the inside of the pantry door where you keep the garbage.

Exhibit A: the pantry (no indication of the Jack-in-the-box of swatters concealed within)

This is where the fly swatters live, which is fine. I’m sure the insect world is very aware and frightened of you two vigilantes keeping their population in check. If bugs had terrorist threat levels our house would be code red and tiny swatter-sniffing fleas would be nosing up against the pantry doors. My problem is not with the swatters so much as their placement.

Due to the laws of physics (an object in motion tends to stay in motion and also centrifugal force), the mere act of opening the pantry door launches these swatters up and away from their hooks, their balletic arc impeded only by contact with an object: me. They are essentially daughter swatters.

Exhibit B: swatters

Not only that, as I am the one who often is asked to take out the trash which involves leaning down and pulling the bag out of the can, my face is at prime swatter level. Taking out the trash for me involves a delicious one-two punch of trash smell and then bug guts. It’s as if I never left New York.

I’m hoping we can move the swatters because if they attempt frottage with my body or face one more time, they’re going to accidentally end up in the trash.

Thank you.

Alison

Share

21 Responses to An open letter to my parents, with whom I am now living

  1. Robert J. Lindsay November 30, 2010 at 3:09 pm #

    Well,why don’t you ask your mother if it ok to move,them without writing this post.

  2. Hotamuh November 30, 2010 at 4:08 pm #

    Then you’ll be complaining about all the flies flying around the house and how to deal with them.

  3. Glenn Kramer November 30, 2010 at 4:10 pm #

    I can’t wait to see what their responses are. And they better respond here in the comment view.

  4. Glenn Kramer November 30, 2010 at 4:11 pm #

    I can’t wait to read their responses, which I hope they will place here, in the comment section. Welcome back to California, Alison!

  5. Tim Warneking November 30, 2010 at 5:02 pm #

    His and hers fly swatters?

  6. coaster1robert November 30, 2010 at 11:09 pm #

    Well,why don't you ask your mother if it ok to move,them without writing this post.

  7. Glenn Kramer December 1, 2010 at 12:10 am #

    I can't wait to see what their responses are. And they better respond here in the comment view.

  8. Glenn Kramer December 1, 2010 at 12:11 am #

    I can't wait to read their responses, which I hope they will place here, in the comment section. Welcome back to California, Alison!

  9. Alison Rosen November 30, 2010 at 9:31 pm #

    I think they’re unisex bug killing apparatuses (apparati?)

  10. Alison Rosen November 30, 2010 at 9:32 pm #

    thank you!

  11. Alison Rosen November 30, 2010 at 9:32 pm #

    But that’s so direct and efficient!

  12. timdub70 December 1, 2010 at 1:02 am #

    His and hers fly swatters?

  13. Alison Rosen December 1, 2010 at 5:31 am #

    I think they're unisex bug killing apparatuses (apparati?)

  14. Alison Rosen December 1, 2010 at 5:32 am #

    thank you!

  15. Alison Rosen December 1, 2010 at 5:32 am #

    But that's so direct and efficient!

  16. Andrew December 1, 2010 at 8:57 pm #

    Left and right handed Tim

  17. boinkity December 1, 2010 at 10:04 pm #

    If people just talked to people directly… why in the hell would we need blogs!?!?!

  18. Andrew McGibbon December 2, 2010 at 4:57 am #

    Left and right handed Tim

  19. boinkity December 2, 2010 at 6:04 am #

    If people just talked to people directly… why in the hell would we need blogs!?!?!

  20. Living Room Furniture December 7, 2010 at 5:24 pm #

    2 fly swatters will definitely make flies scared entering your home.

  21. Living Room Furniture December 8, 2010 at 1:24 am #

    2 fly swatters will definitely make flies scared entering your home.

Site: Todd Jackson | Art Direction: Josh Holtsclaw | Original Logo: Kezilla | Show Music: Tom Rapp