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I'm running a sweatshop and I'm the only employee

As you likely know from the way I’ve been in your face about it, I’m now selling ARIYNBF tshirts with the Kez logo on them. They’re perfection in tshirt form. The downside is that I have a box full of tshirts and a pile of bubble wrap mailers and another pile of some other kind of mailer and envelopes of assorted sizes and sheets of paper and also photos and buttons and stamps and construction paper and trash and none of it is doing itself.

It’s weird, you would think my sitting on the couch and giving the shirts space to really be themselves and do what they need to do would have a positive effect but instead, nada. “Look alive!” I yelled at the tshirts yesterday, blowing into a whistle and jogging in place. “You, yeah, you!” I brayed, poking one of the shirts in the chest. “What are you waiting for, an invitation? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY AND THEN GET INTO AN ENVELOPE!” I shouted. I haven’t seen such a bunch of sorry little girls since I coached a fleet of collector’s buttons into bubble wrap a few weeks ago. It drove me to drink, so I sucked down some diet soda and then threw an energy bar over my left shoulder and rubbed chalk all over my hands and put a bunch of balls in a mesh bag. Then I inspected my shoes for termites, shaved my head for team spirit, injected some steroids into an orange (it’s a science experiment I’m performing), rubbed some grease paint under the picture of my eyes on the tshirt and then ordered everyone into the showers where the shirts began snapping themselves at one another. Again I had to blow my whistle. “Am I coaching or babysitting here? Rub some dirt in it!” I yelled, dabbing Gatorade behind my ears. I don’t get paid enough.

Here’s the base of operation:

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19 Responses to I'm running a sweatshop and I'm the only employee

  1. applenwo May 2, 2010 at 1:23 pm #

    I just bought a t-shirt. But will you ever come out with an “Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend” belt buckle complete with braided belt? Because thats something id be intersted in. Or maybe ARIYNBF nunchucks. that would be very cool as well.

  2. Joe May 2, 2010 at 2:24 pm #

    Maybe your next piece of merchandise should be Alison Rosen Boxer Shorts, like these only with your picture on them: http://www.webundies.com/kncb0610w.htm

    Then we can get Boinkity to do an ad where he’s wearing just the boxers and he says, “Nothing comes between me and my Alison Rosens.”

  3. Joe May 2, 2010 at 10:24 pm #

    Maybe your next piece of merchandise should be Alison Rosen Boxer Shorts, like these only with your picture on them: http://www.webundies.com/kncb0610w.htm

    Then we can get Boinkity to do an ad where he's wearing just the boxers and he says, “Nothing comes between me and my Alison Rosens.”

  4. Alison Rosen May 2, 2010 at 8:38 pm #

    ooh, belts would be cool! and thank you for buying a shirt! it will go out
    in the mail tomorrow or Tuesday

  5. alisonrosen May 3, 2010 at 4:38 am #

    ooh, belts would be cool! and thank you for buying a shirt! it will go out
    in the mail tomorrow or Tuesday

  6. pauldpearl May 3, 2010 at 11:20 am #

    Dude you have a fireplace? Sweet… – and I’m all about the ARIYNBF Boxers!

  7. pauldpearl May 3, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

    Dude you have a fireplace? Sweet… – and I'm all about the ARIYNBF Boxers!

  8. Ted_Goodlove May 4, 2010 at 4:30 pm #

    Can I get your logo on a pair of bikini underwear?

  9. Alison Rosen May 4, 2010 at 4:33 pm #

    Ted! You’re back, you creep! We missed you.

  10. Ted_Goodlove May 4, 2010 at 5:55 pm #

    Actually, could you put the logo on matching his and hers bikini underwear for our first date!?!?! You’re the best!

    Oh and thanks…missed you too sucka!

  11. Ted_Goodlove May 4, 2010 at 6:02 pm #

    Does anyone know if Joe and Boink miss me too!?!?! I bet those jerks are glad I’m working my ass off to pay taxes for the new health care bill. Thanks Joe

    I know Trapp misses me….he’s the only faithful TedFan

  12. Ted_Goodlove May 5, 2010 at 12:30 am #

    Can I get your logo on a pair of bikini underwear?

  13. alisonrosen May 5, 2010 at 12:33 am #

    Ted! You're back, you creep! We missed you.

  14. Ted_Goodlove May 5, 2010 at 1:55 am #

    Actually, could you put the logo on matching his and hers bikini underwear for our first date!?!?! You're the best!

    Oh and thanks…missed you too sucka!

  15. Ted_Goodlove May 5, 2010 at 2:02 am #

    Does anyone know if Joe and Boink miss me too!?!?! I bet those jerks are glad I'm working my ass off to pay taxes for the new health care bill. Thanks Joe

    I know Trapp misses me….he's the only faithful TedFan

  16. boinkity May 4, 2010 at 11:03 pm #

    Back to work YOU! I need to see the doctor about some warts on my tushie!

  17. boinkity May 5, 2010 at 7:03 am #

    Back to work YOU! I need to see the doctor about some warts on my tushie!

  18. pauldpearl May 5, 2010 at 10:36 am #

    TMI Boink… Too Much Information!!!!

  19. pauldpearl May 5, 2010 at 6:36 pm #

    TMI Boink… Too Much Information!!!!

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