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In need of a resolution?

Happy New Year everyone! Today is January 1st but my calendar still says December because my sister who is a lawyer didn’t take the time to make Tobey calendars for all of us this year. What a bitch, right? I guess she put work ahead of crafts or something. Fuck that noise, I say. I’m starting the year on a positive note and I can’t be brought down by these kind of maneuvers designed specifically to ruin my chances at happiness because that’s exactly what it is. Oh, you might think it was just a lack of time or lack of planning but no, I think she deliberately set out to make ME have a bad 2010 by purposefully not making ME a Tobey calendar. God, I have have a mind to never speak to her again. That’s how positive my attitude is starting January 1. I mean, I think it’s January 1 but I can’t be sure because, well, the calendar thing.

But anyway, it’s come to my attention that not all of you have resolutions and a man or woman without a new year’s resolution is like a dog without a 2010 calendar. Did I mention that I’m staring at December?

So if you don’t have a resolution, and really, why would you because you only had a year to think of one, here are some good general ones.

a) Keep on keeping on

b) Do it!

c) Just put it out there

d) Say Yes to the universe

e) Say Maybe to the universe

f) Say no to carbs

g) Say please and thank you

h) Charge money for sex

i) Put a portion of the proceeds you are charging for sex into an I.R.A. account

j) Sing

k) Sing a song

l) Dance as if no one’s watching

m) Hide in a tree and watch someone dance

n) I can see you; you’re doing it all wrong

o) Hips! Throw your hips into it!

p) There is a bird giving me the evil eye

q) Not to be confused with the eagle eye, which you could be forgiven for thinking, given these circumstances

r) The circumstances, for those who’ve lost track, are that I am in a tree which happens to have wifi and I’m watching you dance like no one’s looking, which is ironic since I’m right here, and also there is a bird staring me down

s) I’m going to be kind to him, for he may be somebody’s mother

t) lose that baby weight!

u) men, I’m talking to you!

v) quit drinking

w) jello shots don’t count because they’re gross

x) get a move on

y) get on the good foot

z) take it all off!

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  • Joe

    If you still don't have a Tobey calendar, you can always print out my Red Eye calendar! http://activitypit.ning.com/profiles/blogs/red-

    Sorry Alison, I couldn't resist (well, I could have but I didn't). People have been posting the nicest comments there, which I appreciate. It was a labor of love and lots of fun to do.

    So I've been looking for a Party in a Box because I'm desperately in need of a good time. I can't find one! They must think people in Vermont don't like to party. O contraire! We work hard and party hard. We party hardy. We party like everyone's watching. We whoop it up. We get down. We get crazy. We remember that life isn't a dress rehersal. We know that life is a beach and laughter is the best medicine. We realize it's not how many breaths we take but how many things take our breath away.

    I liked Dustin's idea about including vibrators in the Party in a Box. They really should have G, PG, PG-13, NC-17 and XXX versions. The XXX party box would have vibrators, condoms, tubes of Astroglide and other stuff I won't mention because Dr Rosen, Mrs Rosen and Tobey may be reading this. Tobey is only 2 years old after all.

    Hey, please tell me what's up with all the comments about Alison's eyebrows? I don't get it — I LOVE Alison's eyebrows!!! I really do – they're perfect!! So cut it out people or I'll hunt you down and call you a bad name. Don't make me do it!

  • Joe

    If you still don’t have a Tobey calendar, you can always print out my Red Eye calendar! http://activitypit.ning.com/profiles/blogs/red-eye-2010-2011-calendar

    Sorry Alison, I couldn’t resist (well, I could have but I didn’t). People have been posting the nicest comments there, which I appreciate. It was a labor of love and lots of fun to do.

    So I’ve been looking for a Party in a Box because I’m desperately in need of a good time. I can’t find one! They must think people in Vermont don’t like to party. O contraire! We work hard and party hard. We party hardy. We party like everyone’s watching. We whoop it up. We get down. We get crazy. We remember that life isn’t a dress rehersal. We know that life is a beach and laughter is the best medicine. We realize it’s not how many breaths we take but how many things take our breath away.

    I liked Dustin’s idea about including vibrators in the Party in a Box. They really should have G, PG, PG-13, NC-17 and XXX versions. The XXX party box would have vibrators, condoms, tubes of Astroglide and other stuff I won’t mention because Dr Rosen, Mrs Rosen and Tobey may be reading this. Tobey is only 2 years old after all.

    Hey, please tell me what’s up with all the comments about Alison’s eyebrows? I don’t get it — I LOVE Alison’s eyebrows!!! I really do – they’re perfect!! So cut it out people or I’ll hunt you down and call you a bad name. Don’t make me do it!

  • metalango

    You are so funny, very smart writing :), Happy New Year

  • metalango

    You are so funny, very smart writing :), Happy New Year

  • TrappDog

    Well, I followed choice “c”, and the next thing I knew, I was being tasered and put into the back of the police car. I think I misunderstood something. Maybe I didn't put enough hips into it. I guess there's always choice “v”.

    Great calendar Joe. I need to go to the Activity Pit more often. I don't know how everyone keeps up with all this stuff, especially since I joined Facebook and old friends have been contacting me looking for the money I owe them. Anyway, my consistent guilty pleasure is Alison. The way I see it, if you're going to have one guilty pleasure, it had darn well better be Alison Rosen.

    I don't get the eyebrow thing either. They look perfectly fine to me. I'm always captivated by her amazing choppers. Alison has perfect teeth.

  • TrappDog

    Well, I followed choice “c”, and the next thing I knew, I was being tasered and put into the back of the police car. I think I misunderstood something. Maybe I didn’t put enough hips into it. I guess there’s always choice “v”.

    Great calendar Joe. I need to go to the Activity Pit more often. I don’t know how everyone keeps up with all this stuff, especially since I joined Facebook and old friends have been contacting me looking for the money I owe them. Anyway, my consistent guilty pleasure is Alison. The way I see it, if you’re going to have one guilty pleasure, it had darn well better be Alison Rosen.

    I don’t get the eyebrow thing either. They look perfectly fine to me. I’m always captivated by her amazing choppers. Alison has perfect teeth.

  • Anonymous

    ” 2010 We-solution ( No Elmer Fudd Speech Impediment intended.) ”

    1. Be less humble and more arrogant. Express to the world your hard work rather than keep it inside.

    2. Send negative comments to someone you hate via email and block them as a user so they can’t respond.

    3. Don’t force self to laugh at dull jokes

    4. Did Lady Gaga stole parts from Ace of Base’s “Don’t Turn Around” for “Alejandro” ? Doesn’t matter, she’s hot.

    5. Don’t force self to like a certain song just because others like it

    6. Never forget to take Flintstones Vitamins. (Big fan)

    7. Jetsons and Hentai Vitamins as well

    8. Stop having erotic thoughts of the Women from the Progressive and E-surance commercials.

    9. Consider 2010 a year in the same decade of the previous years. 2011 is technically the start of the new one.

    10. For Women, don’t watch the Twilight series just because your hormones tell you to. For Men, don’t watch Disney for the same purposes just because Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato turn 18 this year. Or you’ll end up like this guy…. http://pibillwarner.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/amd_mcleod_mugshot.jpg. Or perhaps like this other guy….http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/7876/rosiepussyeatingface.jpg. As I said earlier, I’m a big fan of the Flintstones. No offense intended.

  • Joe

    I'm not big on New Year's resolutons, but I started giving it some thought after reading this excellent post by Alison. I came up with a few ideas that can help you make this a great year.

    1. Practice your Peeping Tom skills. Wait until dark, put on some black clothes and find out what your neighbors are up to. Yes it may be against the law, but you also might catch the next shoe/underwear bomber before he/she has a chance to strike. If you save some lives, you just might wind up on Oprah's couch!

    2. Try to sneak an explosive device through security at the nearest airport. If you're not caught, you can sell your story to TMZ and buy that beachfront home you've always wanted. If they nab you, I suggest you tell the Feds you have proof that Obama was really born in Tahiti and you're willing to strike a deal.

    3. Sell the Brooklyn Bridge. Yes it's been done to death, but as P.T. Barnum said, “There's a sucker born every minute.” Go out and find them! You'll be the life of the party telling friends about it and you might pick up some walking-around money in the process.

    4. Become a Life Coach and sign up people for motivational seminars. Find people who are willing to pay you big bucks to help them find some meaning in their lives. At the seminar, spend 30 minutes telling them how great they are and convince them they are just “thinking wrong.” Use a lot of impressive-sounding phrases. Tell them they can become “Spiritual Warriors” and that they can find “Harmonic Wealth”. Then make them endure a “Vision Quest” in a sweat lodge. While those suckers are sweating to death, you'll be walking away with their cold, hard cash.

    5. Start a new religious cult. I have two words for you: Heaven's Gate. If that lunatic Marshall Applewhite could lure 39 followers into believing aliens were coming for them on the Hale-Bopp comet, think of how well you could do with something a little more plausible. How about a sub-human race living near the Earth's core? Aliens from planet Alpha Prime with strange telepathic powers? Human clones capable of extraordinary physical feats? Use you imagination and soon you'll have plenty of people willing to sign over all their assets to you and do your bidding.

    I hope I've given you some ideas that will help you make this a great year!

  • Anonymous

    ” 2010 We-solution ( No Elmer Fudd Speech Impediment intended.) “

    1. Be less humble and more arrogant. Express to the world your hard work rather than keep it inside.

    2. Send negative comments to someone you hate via email and block them as a user so they can't respond.

    3. Don't force self to laugh at dull jokes

    4. Did Lady Gaga stole parts from Ace of Base's “Don't Turn Around” for “Alejandro” ? Doesn't matter, she's hot.

    5. Don't force self to like a certain song just because others like it

    6. Never forget to take Flintstones Vitamins. (Big fan)

    7. Jetsons and Hentai Vitamins as well

    8. Stop having erotic thoughts of the Women from the Progressive and E-surance commercials.

    9. Consider 2010 a year in the same decade of the previous years. 2011 is technically the start of the new one.

    10. For Women, don't watch the Twilight series just because your hormones tell you to. For Men, don't watch Disney for the same purposes just because Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato turn 18 this year. Or you'll end up like this guy…. http://pibillwarner.files.wordpress.com/2009/07…. Or perhaps like this other guy….http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/7876/rosiepussyeatingface.jpg. As I said earlier, I'm a big fan of the Flintstones. No offense intended.

  • Anonymous

    ” 2010 We-solution ( No Elmer Fudd Speech Impediment intended.) “

    1. Be less humble and more arrogant. Express to the world your hard work rather than keep it inside.

    2. Send negative comments to someone you hate via email and block them as a user so they can't respond.

    3. Don't force self to laugh at dull jokes

    4. Did Lady Gaga stole parts from Ace of Base's “Don't Turn Around” for “Alejandro” ? Doesn't matter, she's hot.

    5. Don't force self to like a certain song just because others like it

    6. Never forget to take Flintstones Vitamins. (Big fan)

    7. Jetsons and Hentai Vitamins as well

    8. Stop having erotic thoughts of the Women from the Progressive and E-surance commercials.

    9. Consider 2010 a year in the same decade of the previous years. 2011 is technically the start of the new one.

    10. For Women, don't watch the Twilight series just because your hormones tell you to. For Men, don't watch Disney for the same purposes just because Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato turn 18 this year. Or you'll end up like this guy…. http://pibillwarner.files.wordpress.com/2009/07…. Or perhaps like this other guy….http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/7876/rosiepussyeatingface.jpg. As I said earlier, I'm a big fan of the Flintstones. No offense intended.

  • Anonymous

    ” 2010 We-solution ( No Elmer Fudd Speech Impediment intended.) “

    1. Be less humble and more arrogant. Express to the world your hard work rather than keep it inside.

    2. Send negative comments to someone you hate via email and block them as a user so they can't respond.

    3. Don't force self to laugh at dull jokes

    4. Did Lady Gaga stole parts from Ace of Base's “Don't Turn Around” for “Alejandro” ? Doesn't matter, she's hot.

    5. Don't force self to like a certain song just because others like it

    6. Never forget to take Flintstones Vitamins. (Big fan)

    7. Jetsons and Hentai Vitamins as well

    8. Stop having erotic thoughts of the Women from the Progressive and E-surance commercials.

    9. Consider 2010 a year in the same decade of the previous years. 2011 is technically the start of the new one.

    10. For Women, don't watch the Twilight series just because your hormones tell you to. For Men, don't watch Disney for the same purposes just because Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato turn 18 this year. Or you'll end up like this guy…. http://pibillwarner.files.wordpress.com/2009/07…. Or perhaps like this other guy….http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/7876/rosiepussyeatingface.jpg. As I said earlier, I'm a big fan of the Flintstones. No offense intended.

  • Anonymous

    ” 2010 We-solution ( No Elmer Fudd Speech Impediment intended.) “

    1. Be less humble and more arrogant. Express to the world your hard work rather than keep it inside.

    2. Send negative comments to someone you hate via email and block them as a user so they can't respond.

    3. Don't force self to laugh at dull jokes

    4. Did Lady Gaga stole parts from Ace of Base's “Don't Turn Around” for “Alejandro” ? Doesn't matter, she's hot.

    5. Don't force self to like a certain song just because others like it

    6. Never forget to take Flintstones Vitamins. (Big fan)

    7. Jetsons and Hentai Vitamins as well

    8. Stop having erotic thoughts of the Women from the Progressive and E-surance commercials.

    9. Consider 2010 a year in the same decade of the previous years. 2011 is technically the start of the new one.

    10. For Women, don't watch the Twilight series just because your hormones tell you to. For Men, don't watch Disney for the same purposes just because Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato turn 18 this year. Or you'll end up like this guy…. http://pibillwarner.files.wordpress.com/2009/07…. Or perhaps like this other guy….http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/7876/rosiepussyeatingface.jpg. As I said earlier, I'm a big fan of the Flintstones. No offense intended.

  • Anonymous

    ” 2010 We-solution ( No Elmer Fudd Speech Impediment intended.) “

    1. Be less humble and more arrogant. Express to the world your hard work rather than keep it inside.

    2. Send negative comments to someone you hate via email and block them as a user so they can't respond.

    3. Don't force self to laugh at dull jokes

    4. Did Lady Gaga stole parts from Ace of Base's “Don't Turn Around” for “Alejandro” ? Doesn't matter, she's hot.

    5. Don't force self to like a certain song just because others like it

    6. Never forget to take Flintstones Vitamins. (Big fan)

    7. Jetsons and Hentai Vitamins as well

    8. Stop having erotic thoughts of the Women from the Progressive and E-surance commercials.

    9. Consider 2010 a year in the same decade of the previous years. 2011 is technically the start of the new one.

    10. For Women, don't watch the Twilight series just because your hormones tell you to. For Men, don't watch Disney for the same purposes just because Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato turn 18 this year. Or you'll end up like this guy…. http://pibillwarner.files.wordpress.com/2009/07…. Or perhaps like this other guy….http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/7876/rosiepussyeatingface.jpg. As I said earlier, I'm a big fan of the Flintstones. No offense intended.

  • Joe

    I’m not big on New Year’s resolutons, but I started giving it some thought after reading this excellent post by Alison. I came up with some other ideas that can help you make this a great year.

    1. Practice your Peeping Tom skills. Wait until dark, put on some black clothes and find out what your neighbors are up to. Yes it may be against the law, but you also might catch the next shoe/underwear bomber before he/she has a chance to strike. If you save some lives, you just might wind up on Oprah’s couch!

    2. Try to sneak an explosive device through security at the nearest airport. If you’re not caught, you can sell your story to TMZ and buy that beachfront home you’ve always wanted. If they nab you, I suggest you tell the Feds you have proof that Obama was really born in Tahiti and you’re willing to strike a deal.

    3. Sell the Brooklyn Bridge. Yes it’s been done to death, but as P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Go out and find them! You’ll be the life of the party telling friends about it and you might pick up some walking-around money in the process.

    4. Become a Life Coach and sign up people for motivational seminars. Find people who are willing to pay you big bucks to help them find some meaning in their lives. At the seminar, spend 30 minutes telling them how great they are and convince them they are just “thinking wrong.” Use a lot of impressive-sounding phrases. Tell them they can become “Spiritual Warriors” and that they can find “Harmonic Wealth”. Then make them endure a “Vision Quest” in a sweat lodge. While those suckers are sweating to death, you’ll be walking away with their cold, hard cash.

    5. Start a new religious cult. I have two words for you: Heaven’s Gate. If that lunatic Marshall Applewhite could lure 39 followers into believing aliens were coming for them on the Hale-Bopp comet, think of how well you could do with something a little more plausible. How about a sub-human race living near the Earth’s core? Aliens from planet Alpha Prime with strange telepathic powers? Human clones capable of extraordinary physical feats? Use you imagination and soon you’ll have plenty of people willing to sign over all their assets to you and do your bidding.

    I hope I’ve given you some ideas that will help you make this a great year!

  • Joe

    I'm not big on New Year's resolutons, but I started giving it some thought after reading this excellent post by Alison. I came up with some other ideas that can help you make this a great year.

    1. Practice your Peeping Tom skills. Wait until dark, put on some black clothes and find out what your neighbors are up to. Yes it may be against the law, but you also might catch the next shoe/underwear bomber before he/she has a chance to strike. If you save some lives, you just might wind up on Oprah's couch!

    2. Try to sneak an explosive device through security at the nearest airport. If you're not caught, you can sell your story to TMZ and buy that beachfront home you've always wanted. If they nab you, I suggest you tell the Feds you have proof that Obama was really born in Tahiti and you're willing to strike a deal.

    3. Sell the Brooklyn Bridge. Yes it's been done to death, but as P.T. Barnum said, “There's a sucker born every minute.” Go out and find them! You'll be the life of the party telling friends about it and you might pick up some walking-around money in the process.

    4. Become a Life Coach and sign up people for motivational seminars. Find people who are willing to pay you big bucks to help them find some meaning in their lives. At the seminar, spend 30 minutes telling them how great they are and convince them they are just “thinking wrong.” Use a lot of impressive-sounding phrases. Tell them they can become “Spiritual Warriors” and that they can find “Harmonic Wealth”. Then make them endure a “Vision Quest” in a sweat lodge. While those suckers are sweating to death, you'll be walking away with their cold, hard cash.

    5. Start a new religious cult. I have two words for you: Heaven's Gate. If that lunatic Marshall Applewhite could lure 39 followers into believing aliens were coming for them on the Hale-Bopp comet, think of how well you could do with something a little more plausible. How about a sub-human race living near the Earth's core? Aliens from planet Alpha Prime with strange telepathic powers? Human clones capable of extraordinary physical feats? Use you imagination and soon you'll have plenty of people willing to sign over all their assets to you and do your bidding.

    I hope I've given you some ideas that will help you make this a great year!

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