A lot of people wonder why I’m single. Often, in fact, they will leave comments to this effect followed by an “lol” and maybe one of these: 🙂 which I assume is to indicate that they wouldn’t mind having sex with me should it turn out that the reason I’m single isn’t because of anything grody like a raging case of the herps or that I’m psycho or have my period, like, constantly. You guys, it’s all three!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not saying it’s cool that I’m single. I mean, hello, when am I going to give myself some grandkids?
But here is the thing, whereas I’m quite fetching on TV—I mean, anyone can see that—in real life I’m a total dogface. A real woof. A butterface. A ‘scepter head. A pogo stick (fun to ride but you don’t want to be seen riding it.) A spatula. A broom. A carrot peeler. (I have no idea what those last three are.) I mean, I’m a real oboe. A potato. A roomba. And my voice is like nails on a chalkboard and not only that, I litter all the time. Sometimes I throw other people’s stuff on the sidewalk just for fun so it’s not only that I’m irresponsible in an environmental sense but also I’m just cruel. “Oh I’m sorry, were you reading that?” I’ll say in a silky tone after snatching a blender manual out of someone’s hand and tossing it on the floor. “Try making a smoothie now, motherfucker!” I’ll yell, laughing maniacally and then going home alone on a Friday night.
You’d think with all my singleness my sock drawer would be super organized but it isn’t. It’s a real mess, like my love life!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my GAWD you guys don’t even know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I ask a million questions during movies. Questions like “why did he do that?” and “what did she say?” and “did I call at a bad time?”
Oh and I like to light other people’s farts on fire which basically means I’m constantly accidentally setting my friends on fire.
And I have TERRIBLE taste in music. I enjoy jingles from commercials and the sounds of jackhammers.
And I grew up in a barn so I always smell like hay.
And I collect cows. My apartment is covered in cow memorabilia which I refer to as moo-iana. I call it “mom’s moo-iana” even though I’m not technically a mother to anyone besides my moo cows which are like children to me. Times were tough and I had to put a few of them on ebay. It was udderly ridiculous! OH NO I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I always joke that I’m going to get mad cow disease from my cows but it’s more like they’re going to get silly human disease from me, you know??????? HAHAHAHAHA LOL HA.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COWS 4-EVA!
So yeah, that’s why I’m single… LOL… 🙂
Alison, Alison, Alison… all your pants must be on fire because none of those things you said are even remotely true. The only reason you're single is because none of us guys are good enough for you (especially Ted – oh yes, especially Ted).
Let's face it… 99.9% (or more) of the guys in the world are losers. We're crude, smelly, unreliable, and our stomachs are always making weird gurgling noises. Living with us is WORSE than living with cows. Whereas you're way up here (I'm holding my hand high over my head), all of us guys are way down here (now I'm holding my hand 1″ above the floor).
And besides, I think roombas are kinda cute.
Alison, Alison, Alison… all your pants must be on fire because none of those things you said are even remotely true. The only reason you’re single is because none of us guys are good enough for you (especially Ted – oh yes, especially Ted).
Let’s face it… 99.9% (or more) of the guys in the world are losers. We’re crude, smelly, unreliable, and our stomachs are always making weird gurgling noises. Living with us is WORSE than living with cows. Whereas you’re way up here (I’m holding my hand high over my head), all of us guys are way down here (now I’m holding my hand 1″ above the floor).
And besides, I think roombas are kinda cute.
I can't speak to your personal life, obviously, but I gave up trying to find a girlfriend a couple years ago. I'm a 20-something lawyer in “flyover country” and just had an endless succession of atrocious dating experiences and finally said “this just isn't worth it!”
I then thought… Wouldn't it be nice to make money on my bad dates? VH1 has Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, I Love New York, I love Money, Megan Wants A Millionaire, etc., all of which involve men or women humiliating themselves to try and win a date with the show's bachelor(ette). Fox got into the act with “More to Love.”
Unfortunately, I'm not New York's Funniest Reporter and a Fox television personality. So, nobody would watch. But you, you could have a shot! “A Rosen of Love, airing this fall on Fox…” Has a nice ring to it…
You are single because no man could ever be as great as your Dad.
WOW Im single for the same reasons. I will just copy and paste this to my facebook page thanks saves me alot of writting.
With all those cows.. maybe you could dig through their poop and get us some mushrooms…
just wash them off in the sink and send them to me.. Thanks love..
Then we would fit right in together. Since my hearts not pure, my boots ain't clean, I smell like a litter of puppies and hardly ever tell the truth.
I can’t speak to your personal life, obviously, but I gave up trying to find a girlfriend a couple years ago. I’m a 20-something lawyer in “flyover country” and just had an endless succession of atrocious dating experiences and finally said “this just isn’t worth it!”
I then thought… Wouldn’t it be nice to make money on my bad dates? VH1 has Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, I Love New York, I love Money, Megan Wants A Millionaire, etc., all of which involve men or women humiliating themselves to try and win a date with the show’s bachelor(ette). Fox got into the act with “More to Love.”
Unfortunately, I’m not New York’s Funniest Reporter and a Fox television personality. So, nobody would watch. But you, you could have a shot! “A Rosen of Love, airing this fall on Fox…” Has a nice ring to it…
You are single because no man could ever be as great as your Dad.
WOW im single for the same reasons./..I will just copy ur blog and put it on my page.
What up my little peanut brittle(s)!?!?!?! I’m so sorry Alison used profanity Todd (just use that word filter program the rest of us have).
See, the reality is….all of your bloggers want you to stay single….that’s the fun in it…..so the more you advertise your herpes and flatulence cravings….the BETTER! Those issues might attract Joe but let’s keep throwing up these smoke screens to keep the masses away…shall we? This way, Alison and I can continue enjoying her penthouse spa on weekends…while sipping Margaritas and laughing gaudily at others.
In other news…..Ted B. Goodlove was offered a new job last week…..so this 30 something has decided to leave retirement and rejoin the workforce (this is crazy I know)….and “NO” I wasn’t offered a porn star leading actor position!!!! I’m sure you people assumed that…didn’t you?
XOXOXO to Alison…as long as those sores aren’t present this time! Call me babe!
WOW Im single for the same reasons. I will just copy and paste this to my facebook page thanks saves me alot of writting.
With all those cows.. maybe you could dig through their poop and get us some mushrooms…
just wash them off in the sink and send them to me.. Thanks love..
That's an amazing idea – a TV show where all of Alison's blog followers try to impress her and win her over. The big prize: a 3 day weekend with Alison in Atlantic City – in a room with one king size bed, a dozen porno channels and limitless room service.
Let's see.. my talents are I can hold my breathe underwater for 2 minutes, stand on my head for 8 minutes, burp the ABCs and pick up things with my webbed, prehensile toes.
Ha… let's see you guys beat that!
Then we would fit right in together. Since my hearts not pure, my boots ain’t clean, I smell like a litter of puppies and hardly ever tell the truth.
The truth is, you are single because your heart was broken and it’s difficult to jump back in to something so intimate as a relationship. You are afraid.
Oh wait that’s me. :p
That’s an amazing idea – a TV show where all of Alison’s blog followers try to impress her and win her over. The big prize: a 3 day weekend with Alison in Atlantic City – in a room with one king size bed, a dozen porno channels and limitless room service.
Let’s see.. my talents are I can hold my breathe underwater for 2 minutes, stand on my head for 8 minutes, burp the ABCs and pick up things with my webbed, prehensile toes.
Ha… let’s see you guys beat that!
Sea horses ,4-eva!
Sea horses ,4-eva!
Your post was an interesting counterpoint to what I hear every day. Many of my friends are undertaking a soul-searching investigation as to why they are married.
This is why you're single. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12065… You just haven't found you yet.
Your post was an interesting counterpoint to what I hear every day. Many of my friends are undertaking a soul-searching investigation as to why they are married.
This is why you’re single. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1206540/Why-ladies-likely-fall-lookalike.html You just haven’t found you yet.
“Perhaps you can start a dating Gimmick on your DailyAlison vidz. With a twist of course…..”
“Perhaps you can start a dating Gimmick on your DailyAlison vidz. With a twist of course…..”
You should all know, Alison's bemoaning her singleness is all a ploy for blog traffic.
I've repeatedly offered to make her my #2 wife in my Mormon polygamist compound. As #2 she'd have status and authority over the #3 through #6 wives (plus she can pick her night of the week for “relations”). I've also assured her that even though she's in her early thirty's (I usually take brides in their mid to late teens), I'm sure she'll be able to add 5 or 6 children to the Family. The offer's still open Alison. Think of all the Little House on the Prairie dresses, bad hair styles and the endless sea of grubby kids in your future is you say yes. It would be bliss.
All kidding aside, I'm going to be totally heart broken and jealous when Alison meets Mr Right.
You should all know, Alison’s bemoaning her singleness is all a ploy for blog traffic.
I’ve repeatedly offered to make her my #2 wife in my Mormon polygamist compound. As #2 she’d have status and authority over the #3 through #6 wives (plus she can pick her night of the week for “relations”). I’ve also assured her that even though she’s in her early thirty’s (I usually take brides in their mid to late teens), I’m sure she’ll be able to add 5 or 6 children to the Family. The offer’s still open Alison. Think of all the Little House on the Prairie dresses, bad hair styles and the endless sea of grubby kids in your future is you say yes. It would be bliss.
All kidding aside, I’m going to be totally heart broken and jealous when Alison meets Mr Right.
You should all know, Alison's bemoaning her singleness is all a ploy for blog traffic.
I've repeatedly offered to make her my #2 wife in my Mormon polygamist compound. As #2 she'd have status and authority over the #3 through #6 wives (plus she can pick her night of the week for “relations”). I've also assured her that even though she's in her early thirty's (I usually take brides in their mid to late teens), I'm sure she'll be able to add 5 or 6 children to the Family. The offer's still open Alison. Think of all the Little House on the Prairie dresses, bad hair styles and the endless sea of grubby kids in your future is you say yes. It would be bliss.
All kidding aside, I'm going to be totally heart broken and jealous when Alison meets Mr Right.
I could write a 400 page essay on why this is the funniest thing ever written.
I could write a 400 page essay on why this is the funniest thing ever written.
Jackhammers rock!
Oh, I’m sorry…were you reading that? Hahahaha! Thought I was the only one who did that!
Jackhammers rock!
Oh, I'm sorry…were you reading that? Hahahaha! Thought I was the only one who did that!
It’s good to see that you can laugh at yourself with the rest of us… Honestly though if you are happy with yourself they who are we to question it?
Ok, let me freshen this conversation up for you a little bit AliRo. I am currently interested in a woman who’s studied behavior psychology. Meaning, she can kind of read you like a book before you do something. In life we can not know all the ins & outs. Accept most all guys are very fallible & also very shy. I’m pretty shy around women initially. Even, when I first met the comedian Amy Schumer, though I’ve worked for her nearly two years promoting her online presence. It’s about accepting our quirkiness. Here, let me give you an example. I watched Seth Rogan once on the “Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno” explain he whole life is one big masturbation joke. I laughed at it because eventually I accepted for a lot guys that’s probably true. Including myself on some days. Hope this has been a little more enlightening for you. 🙂
You should definitely have someone read this to Adam.
“I grew up in a barn so I always smell like hay.” I nearly peed when I read that. Hilarious.
Alison, you are ridiculously pretty, smart and funny.
Finally! My dream girl! We are a perfect match! It’s too bad that I don’t date girls with low self-esteem, besides, I’m probably not good enough for you……boo-hoo…..lol!
Well that’s disappointing.
Soul Mate!
But I try and light people’s burps, there was an accident with a Burt Reynolds impersonator following the great Tom Selleck affair pre friends. I ma not allowed to do this in 33 states now.
Instead you settled for 16 words; and you could have just said “this is the funniest thing ever written” and avoided a jackhole like me pointing out your restraint to a boast that wasn’t really boastful. Hm.
Could a carrot peeler mean that she is flat chested? Like flat enough to have edge that can peel carrots? I don’t care what it means, I’m going to start calling people that immediately. Men. Women. All the carrot peelers.
They’re so beautiful and cute.
I like turtles.
You’re a ‘Double-Bagger’!! Lucky for you, I always carry two . .and besides, I hate that you’re an Orange County girl; but then again, I really don’t have to see you ever again [unless of course, I get ‘P-Whipped’! . . In which case I may just ask equally stupid questions in the sack, like “Did I hurt you?” and “What exactly did you mean by Oh God!, Oh God!?” and “What do you mean NO means FASTER?”
Disregard this message . . I must tend to my sock drawer 🙁
They only thing that would bother me would be the talking during the movie. 🙂
Oh the things I would do to your butthole…
She needs an audience to feel comfortable! When she is one on one and trying not to be all up in her head….she is so not winning! You are still funny and smart and that why we like you.
You really do need to write a book. I still haven’t bought Adam’s book yet (I’m waiting until an extremely cheap used copy on Amazon become available), but I would buy yours the day it was published.
You’re single because of all the exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's good to see that you can laugh at yourself with the rest of us… Honestly though if you are happy with yourself they who are we to question it?
You’re single because you haven’t met me yet.
You are funny, I hate peanut butter and Jelly also. How about the jerks who use one knife so you have jelly in the peanut butter and vise versa, good luck spreading that on toast, Jerks!
Ok, let me freshen this conversation up for you a little bit AliRo. I am currently interested in a woman who's studied behavior psychology. Meaning, she can kind of read you like a book before you do something. In life we can not know all the ins & outs. Accept most all guys are very fallible & also very shy. I'm pretty shy around women initially. Even, when I first met the comedian Amy Schumer, though I've worked for her nearly two years promoting her online presence. It's about accepting our quirkiness. Here, let me give you an example. I watched Seth Rogan once on the “Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno” explain he whole life is one big masturbation joke. I laughed at it because eventually I accepted for a lot guys that's probably true. Including myself on some days. Hope this has been a little more enlightening for you. 🙂
You should definitely have someone read this to Adam.
“I grew up in a barn so I always smell like hay.” I nearly peed when I read that. Hilarious.
Alison, you are ridiculously pretty, smart and funny.
Finally! My dream girl! We are a perfect match! It's too bad that I don't date girls with low self-esteem, besides, I'm probably not good enough for you……boo-hoo…..lol!
Well that's disappointing.
Soul Mate!
But I try and light people's burps, there was an accident with a Burt Reynolds impersonator following the great Tom Selleck affair pre friends. I ma not allowed to do this in 33 states now.
Instead you settled for 16 words; and you could have just said “this is the funniest thing ever written” and avoided a jackhole like me pointing out your restraint to a boast that wasn't really boastful. Hm.
Could a carrot peeler mean that she is flat chested? Like flat enough to have edge that can peel carrots? I don't care what it means, I'm going to start calling people that immediately. Men. Women. All the carrot peelers.
They're so beautiful and cute.
I like turtles.
You're a 'Double-Bagger'!! Lucky for you, I always carry two . .and besides, I hate that you're an Orange County girl; but then again, I really don't have to see you ever again [unless of course, I get 'P-Whipped'! . . In which case I may just ask equally stupid questions in the sack, like “Did I hurt you?” and “What exactly did you mean by Oh God!, Oh God!?” and “What do you mean NO means FASTER?”
Disregard this message . . I must tend to my sock drawer 🙁
They only thing that would bother me would be the talking during the movie. 🙂
Wow, you don’t know me at all. I’d totally let people watch me ride you. PSYCHE I’M NOT AN EXHIBITIONIST! But no, I would have sex with you.
Oh the things I would do to your butthole…
She needs an audience to feel comfortable! When she is one on one and trying not to be all up in her head….she is so not winning! You are still funny and smart and that why we like you.
You really do need to write a book. I still haven't bought Adam's book yet (I'm waiting until an extremely cheap used copy on Amazon become available), but I would buy yours the day it was published.
THAT’S GREAT…LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
You're single because of all the exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're single because you haven't met me yet.
You are funny, I hate peanut butter and Jelly also. How about the jerks who use one knife so you have jelly in the peanut butter and vise versa, good luck spreading that on toast, Jerks!
Wow, you don't know me at all. I'd totally let people watch me ride you. PSYCHE I'M NOT AN EXHIBITIONIST! But no, I would have sex with you.
THAT'S GREAT…LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
So you’re single because your desperate fear of intimacy causes you to hide behind your (admittedly sharp) sense of humor?
I think I dated you for three years.
I don’t care what you say Ms. Rosen, I’ve seen you at a Carolla podcast recording and you are drop dead gorgeous. My girlfriend had to pick my jaw off the floor when I saw you. I had to cover quick and tell her she looked absolutely adorable in her (burka, berka, berrrrkuh) however it’s spelled.
Why thank you! When were you at a recording? Oh, you mean at the Jon Lovitz
Comedy Club?
So you're single because your desperate fear of intimacy causes you to hide behind your (admittedly sharp) sense of humor?
I think I dated you for three years.
I don't care what you say Ms. Rosen, I've seen you at a Carolla podcast recording and you are drop dead gorgeous. My girlfriend had to pick my jaw off the floor when I saw you. I had to cover quick and tell her she looked absolutely adorable in her (burka, berka, berrrrkuh) however it's spelled.
Why thank you! When were you at a recording? Oh, you mean at the Jon Lovitz
Comedy Club?
shuddup thats me…good lord, why do I bother paying for therapy?
Where can I get in on some of that killer whale water slide action?
shuddup thats me…good lord, why do I bother paying for therapy?
Where can I get in on some of that killer whale water slide action?
Cabo San Lucas, buddy. You enter the whale via its tokus and are subsequently vomited out through the mouth. It was totally sanitary.
Cabo San Lucas, buddy. You enter the whale via its tokus and are subsequently vomited out through the mouth. It was totally sanitary.
Alison
Im 43 and not Jewish, and live on the East Coast. Im also behind the 8-ball in this request. You have to let me make a pitch to enter the Tournament as a wildcard.. I am a better catch than the burger-flippers you are screening. Love your work and smile,
jimbo
Alison
Im 43 and not Jewish, and live on the East Coast. Im also behind the 8-ball in this request. You have to let me make a pitch to enter the Tournament as a wildcard.. I am a better catch than the burger-flippers you are screening. Love your work and smile,
jimbo