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Goodbye, thumb modeling career

A lot of people I know are expecting me to hurt myself on a bike but I totally showed them by hurting myself on a vacuum! It all happened very quickly as I was trying to change the belt. One minute I was huffing and puffing and forcing something, as you’re supposed to do when dealing with machinery, and the next minute I was yelling “ouch!” and holding my thumb and watching the blood pool where a flap of skin used to be—skin that was scrunched up but still attached like a little skin ruffle. It was quite demure and charming.

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Now I’ll never be a thumb model! (photo taken during healing)

Being a doctor’s daughter I kept my cool head and suggested  I have a seat in the waiting room where I perused Highlights magazine and some outdated issues of Outdoor Living. Then I called my name and asked myself to fill out some paperwork. “Is this really necessary?” I asked? “It’s for our files,” I said while filing my nails. “Whatever,” I mumbled and then took my seat again. Then I counted ceiling tiles. What could be taking me so long? Finally my insurance cleared and I was called in to see  myself. After answering a battery of questions which I really don’t think pertained to my thumb injury at all (When was my last menstrual cycle?  Any history of pulmonary dysfunction? What’s my favorite color?) I began to get testy. Seeing as I was getting testy, I shot myself with a tranquilizer dart and wheeled myself into the ER. “Let’s save a life” I said, staring at my thumb. Then I washed the cut with soap and water and hopped around because it was stinging and then I very carefully pushed the flap of skin back over the wound, first seasoning it with paprika and putting a pat of butter in there so it would bake to a crisp golden brown. My dad commended me on covering the cut with the skin—”that’s the perfect dressing”—he said, eating a salad. Then I covered it loosely with a bandaid because you shouldn’t cover a cut tightly with a bandaid. Then I jammed my thumb into a wall to see if it was all better. It wasn’t! My God, how long was it going to take to heal? I began to weep because modern medicine had failed me.

Oh, and then I vacuumed the hell out of the two rugs I have in here and I have to say looking around the apartment it was totally worth it.

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Clean carpet.

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Clean carpet.

And now that I’ve semi-cleaned my apartment I feel so much better about everything and considering how  much better I feel it’s a wonder that I ever let things get so messy in here. See, I’ve discovered two things. I feel good when my apartment is clean and I’m starving myself. I feel bad when my apartment is messy and I feel fat. So why do I eat twinkies and smear the wrappers on the walls? Gotta stop doing that.

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11 Responses to Goodbye, thumb modeling career

  1. Joe July 31, 2009 at 1:47 pm #

    Can you still thumb wrestle? Please tell me you can still thumb wrestle.

  2. Walt July 31, 2009 at 11:36 am #

    Nonsense. You still have the one perfect one, and with Photoshop you can reverse it into the other. Haaaaaaaaaa! technology these days…

  3. Jonathan Vanasco July 31, 2009 at 11:43 am #

    That doesn;t look so bad.

    However, this was my pinky injury this week: http://www.2xlp.com/misc/pinky.jpg

    maybe we can find people with injuries on the other 3 fingers and make an all-star hand team collage!!!!

  4. Joe July 31, 2009 at 12:47 pm #

    Can you still thumb wrestle? Please tell me you can still thumb wrestle.

  5. Anonymous July 31, 2009 at 5:53 pm #

    “You have a better thumb than Megan Fox. Be proud of yourself and also the Seinfeld reunion…(http://freewebpromotion.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/megan_fox_thumbs.jpg)…(http://www.pollsb.com/photos/o/306078-look_megan_fox_s_thumb_think_perfect.jpg)……….”

  6. Anonymous July 31, 2009 at 4:53 pm #

    “You have a better thumb than Megan Fox. Be proud of yourself and also the Seinfeld reunion…(http://freewebpromotion.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/megan_fox_thumbs.jpg)…(http://www.pollsb.com/photos/o/306078-look_megan_fox_s_thumb_think_perfect.jpg)……….”

  7. nilbog3000 July 31, 2009 at 10:03 pm #

    I had my thumb bitten off in a friendly fire incident during a fight between my Siberian husky and my brother's over who was to drink out of the waterbowl first. They were able to re-attach it and it mostly works now (but no handmodel jobs for me now), but it still would have been worth it so long as the waterbowl etiquette question was settled satisfactorily.

  8. nilbog3000 July 31, 2009 at 9:03 pm #

    I had my thumb bitten off in a friendly fire incident during a fight between my Siberian husky and my brother’s over who was to drink out of the waterbowl first. They were able to re-attach it and it mostly works now (but no handmodel jobs for me now), but it still would have been worth it so long as the waterbowl etiquette question was settled satisfactorily.

  9. Trapp August 2, 2009 at 10:16 am #

    This is very funny piece. And that's a majestic photo of Thumb Crater. I find impact sites very interesting. They can tell all kinds of things these days, like whether it was formed by a comet, or an asteroid.

  10. Trapp August 2, 2009 at 9:16 am #

    This is very funny piece. And that’s a majestic photo of Thumb Crater. I find impact sites very interesting. They can tell all kinds of things these days, like whether it was formed by a comet, or an asteroid.

  11. Trapp August 2, 2009 at 5:16 pm #

    This is very funny piece. And that's a majestic photo of Thumb Crater. I find impact sites very interesting. They can tell all kinds of things these days, like whether it was formed by a comet, or an asteroid.

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